how stupid can i be to think that everything would stay the same?

a compilation of the past 2 days

So, as far as I can remember, I haven't really had a GREAT day, but January 20th and 21st have been great. They have been filled with sleepovers and concerts and funny jokes and whispers. I really wish you could have been there but then there would be no reason for me to tell you any of this.

I couldn't sleep wednesday, even though i thought i was as tired as i could ever be. i felt like my excitement wouldn't hit me until the couple of hours before i had actually left to see chris but i was wrong. I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30, perfectly knowing that i would have to wake up at 5:30 and get ready to head to jesse's house for the rest of the day until jackie came to pick us up for the show.

I woke up and got ready and left my make up alone. I find that sometimes one's face needs to breathe for a couple of hours. I had finally arrived to jesse's house and immediately as we got there, we found ourselves asleep till about 12. Both of us had gone to sleep late and the only way to keep us from feeling like chris was boring us, which would never happen in a million years, would be to take a nap and feel perfectly well rested. After reading and watching him yell, "FUCK!" and, "STUPID OLD HAG WON'T MOVE FROM THE RAIL!" for about 20 minutes, we started to get ready.

"we're angry people who are happy together."

We left a little later than proposed but all was well and the car was filled with happiness until we realized that none of us knew where we were going...

We all scrambled to get our GPS systems on our phones to start working on getting us there, THANK YOU TECHNOLOGY, but we still failed to arrive even close to the time it was supposed to start.

The beginning of a night to remember. from allyson martinez on Vimeo.

Once we got there and saw that there was no possible way of finding parking, we resorted to the small man who was controlling the valet in back of the troubador. He ended up parking us in someone else's driveway for 15 dollars. what a jip...DAMN YOU FAKE VALET! But we made our way inside anyway.

We were surprised by the lack of young kids in the venue. It was filled with adults who looked like they once listened to dashboard when they were in their freshman in college days. It was great. I felt their maturity linger in me and we all felt very comfortable. Everyone had the greatest of times and were laughing. We headed up the stairs to watch the next opening band perform and we immediately found discomfort. It just wasn't our style and my cousin met me with a look of dissatisfaction, "i know why you brought me here. you wanted to torture me. didnt you?" I laughed and promised that i would never do such a thing.

Next thing I knew, the other act started to set up and we found ourselves cringing at the sounds of the guy's voice. It was highly irritating which makes me not want to talk about it anymore.

After much more waiting and have to deal with musicians who didn't really suit our likings we found ourselves on the side of the stage waiting for chris carraba himself, and to our surprise, yet lack of surprise, we found him right there waiting for us...

Swiss Army Romance Tour pt.1 from allyson martinez on Vimeo.

and you should know that i was very much as apart of the crowd singing along than anyone else...

the drive home was much more comforting as our ears still rang and our heels were resting from holding our singing, happy bodies up. as soon as we got to jesse's house i changed into my pajamas and pulled out my book. I wasn't up for watching movies or doing as many fun things that we said we would do once i slept over. As soon as we were home, we both fell asleep. We woke up around 12 to find ourselves in a rush to get ready because of the fact that jesse had to leave to work at 2:30. which also meant that I had to stay at his house, ALONE for an hour with no one to keep me company. None of it made a difference though, the happiness from the night before still hadn't worn off.

Thursday

We get to experience this at the troubador.

are you jealous? I don't mean to be rude but I really hope you are. My former self is jealous of my Thurday night self.

One of my favorite poems of all time. The best thing about it, is that I know the person that wrote it.

so much time wasted on nothing
so many bridges burned
even though ive been here before
i didnt pay attention to those lessons learned

i get left with nothing but memories
well you leave with your head up high
i cant stand you and all of your kind

they say history repeats itself
and it always repeats shit on me
they say you learn from your mistakes
and i havent learned a damned thing.

I think as these walls more and more familiar, and i can count and retrace the dimples that they obtain, as if they were scars on my body, i feel less and less like myself. The sun and moon are no different to me than water and ice. I tend to pour myself into someone else's words so that my adventures are farther and farther away from my home, into another reality, into a fictional place. I feel like these words are all too familiar because they play constantly through my head, recited over and over again. the people around me care less and less about my feelings because the same complaints flow out of my mouth. do you realize what it feels like to be inside at all times of the day? do you know what it feels like to see the same surroundings over and over again? it is not a dream, it is what you see every day. you think a couple of hours to yourself pains you? Imagine your room being the only thing you see and having no one to talk to about your friendships, your family, your relationships, and anything else you feel the need to express through a friendly conversation.

My friendships have turned into online number counts that I can contact with a click of a button. Is this what friends are? If so, I don't want them.

This conversation is the same one that i've had with others that i feel can bare the secrets that i've bestowed upon them. they tell me the same things over and over again. i hear it all constantly or i hear nothing because they are tired of my complaints.

horrible ideas flash through my head at random moments of the day. i ignore them or relate them to other people so that i find myself detaching them from myself, never claiming ownership.