Another night of no sleep.

Here we go again. The worrying never ends. Its ridiculous actually.


I'm not worrying about him. Is that what you thought I meant? Oh no, I'm not. I'm worried about myself and my feelings.



I keep searching for this reason this explanation for the way ive been feeling. Like everything I once loved is being peeled like a banana. It's almost as if I'm trying to convince myself to stay when i have no reason to.







its too late at night. and i think thats why im writing these silly things.





I sound like im wasting my time

im gone and youre home.




get ready for it all. im ready.




im ready to tell myself that Im okay and that even though I'm away, I know you'll miss something about me.

Our talk about religion and the people, over a subway sandwich and wanna-be takis, killed me.




It was sweet and honest.



I'm glad this time I wasn't force-drank (if its not me eating and its me drinking would it still be considered force fed?) melon juice.


"it has apples and pineapple too!"
"youre lieing to me." (your smile is too big for a picture frame)
"NO IM NOT I SWEAR!"
"yes yes you are because youre smiling! i dont want it. NO!"







lets be honest, im counting how many words are said and youre counting how many breaths are taken. lets be lovers forever.

"I want to be the master of my own will.



lets tell god to back the fuck up and let me make my own choices."




Brandnewthug: hhahaha! so clever (bay-be)

love tore us apart.

This is what she was scared of. No wonder she wasn't sure if she wanted to do it.


I did it and now I think I'm starting to regret it.

I feel them. They're wet and they roll beautifully down pale cheeks.


They're the water that flows inside of me. But, it is no longer in side of me, they are now showing and expressing how i feel inside and out. Is it a break down? Have I finally lost it? Have I finally come to terms with my feelings? I don't need you and I keep trying to convince myself that I do. It's not working. I keep putting up with your tantrums and your silly tactics but I can't. I keep looking in the mirror and telling you that you're becoming someone you never wanted to be. I want to blame others for making you like this but this was all your doing. You made me this way.




I see one word answers every where. I avoid starting a fight. I avoid expressing my feelings because they're dumb and a waste of time and I'm stupid for thinking this way. I am. Am I? No, you are. Yeah, you're not. I don't know anymore.


I can sound like these girls who rant on about guys but I don't care about boys. I care about myself and I always put myself first. I can differentiate myself from the rest of them but someone will always have the feelings, the same blog post, the same words, the same punctuation. It's upsetting.



I want my leaves to grow so that I can be on my own. I love my family. As I grow older you would think that I would start ignoring them and not wanting to spend time with them but as I get older, those are the only people I want to be with. It kills me when I'm not with them. I've become a home-body. Am i too mature? Am I too independent? Would it could if I was independent towards society and not my family? What would be the word for that? Socidependent? I'm not sure.



I cant take this thing anymore. This circle of cross streets and roads. We pass the same statue every single day. When are we going to make a left or even a right? It gets boring. We can't find any time to surprise each other. If this is how it's going to be, let's both jump out of the moving car and go our separate ways. Lets add some adventure. Come on, join me.




Good bye.

it has become a mountain

Everything slowly keeps building. I hear myself yelling and I understand why I react like this. I have slowly become angry with everyone. I know why this is.


I can hear my heart beating through my chest. I can feel my food coming up from my stomach. It's an ugly feeling but it's a familiar one. Lately, this is all I feel.


I remember smiling and feeling like the world was okay and even with all of its problems, they would never hit me because everything would really be okay.


The stage of growing up is coming on fast. I need transportation, I need an education, and I need funds to support myself and my needs.



My heart grows farther and farther apart from the world and it slowly gets ignored by what I need rather than what I feel. So it shows itself only when it feels the pressure coming on.


I don't know when I'll give up or when I'll be content with everyone and my world around me.



Slowly, the puzzle pieces are coming together. You weren't who you claimed to be. You're different. I look in the mirror and I see me and you. We're different. this needs to end.



















good bye.

lets go back

lets go back to when we were just friends. you complained. you always felt that you were the nice guy that finished last.

but i was always there with my arms wide open.


you told me everything.
we were the best of friends for 2 years.
you called me late at night and talked about your day and the things you went through.




you never noticed till last may.

I like to think of my mind as a separate growing being. I can feel it starting to take shape and create it's own thoughts separate from my own.




My fingers find ways into my head and pull out the words that need to be said.



call me some time. i could use your kind of talent.

"The picture is far too big to look at kid. Your eyes won't open wide enough and you are constantly surrounded by that swirling stream of what is and what was. Well, we've all made our predictions but the truth still isn't out. So if you want to see the future, go stare into a cloud. And keep trying to find your way out of that maze of memories. It all sort of looks familiar, until you get up close and then it's different, clearly. But each time you turn a corner, you're right back where you were and your only hope is that forgetting might make a door appear. Well is it your fear of being buried that makes you so afraid to speak? An avalanche of opinions like the one that fell that I'm now underneath. It was my voice that moved the first rock, and I would do it all again. So I mean, it's cool if you keep quiet, but I like singing here. So I'll be holding my note and stomping and strumming and feeling, so very lucky. And there is nothing I know except that this lifetime is just one moment and wishing will just leave me empty. So you can try and live in darkness but you will never shake the light. It will greet you every morning and make you more aware with its absence at night, when you are wrapped up in your blankets baby, that comfortable cocoon. But I have seen the day of your awakening boy, and it's coming soon. So go ahead and loose yourself in liquor, and you can praise the clouded mind, but it isn't what you're thinking - no - it's the course of history, your position in line. You're just a piece of the puzzle, so I think you'd better find your place. And don't go blaming your knowledge on some fruit you ate! 'Cause there's been a great deal of discussion, yes, about the properties of man. Animal or angel? You were carved from bone, but your heart it's just sand, and the wind is gonna to scatter it and cover everything with love. So if it makes you happy, then keep kneeling Mama, but I am standing up. Because this veil it has been lifted, yes. My eyes are wet with clarity. I have been a witness to such wonders. Oh, I've searched for them all across this country but I think I'll be returning now to the town where I was born. And I understand you must keep moving friend, but I am heading home. I'm gonna follow the road, and let the scenery sweeping by easily enter my body. Now I'll send you all this message in code, under ground, over mountains, through forests, and deserts and cities. All across the electric wire, it's a baited line. The hook is in deep boys, there is no more time. So you can struggle in the water and be too stubborn to die, or you could just let go and be lifted to the sky."

Everyone seems to miss me more when I'm alot farther away. I think the fact that the ability to see me is no longer there creates a psychological hole and it creates someone to miss me more.




I don't feel much like typing but I'm forcing myself.


I hate forcing myself.

I remember driving in the car and popping the strokes cd in the cd player.


I also remember telling my mom that i dedicated "between love & hate" to you, because thats how much I thought about it back then. and I would scream the lyrics....




"i never needed anybody. dont worry about it hunny, i never needed anybody"


and my mom said, "i always told you, you never needed anyone...."

My stomach fucking hurts.


It feels like im about to throw up every organ that is inside of me.