dreams vs. reality

I can't tell which is which anymore. Desolation makes me feel like the mist between the two worlds doesn't exist. This certain song makes me feel as though the two worlds collide and it is my reality. It is my own world. It is my own theory of reality. It is everyone's theory of reality. You see jumping flamingos and I see waving pancakes.

let me live with my own world and i wont disturb yours.

such strength, such attitude

so much pressure to knock each other off

so much pressure to be better than the rest

so much pressure to be faster than the best

test me and i'll beat you to a pulp

play the part...

Please listen. This is what is setting my reconnection mood right now. Please find me under these layers of notes, chords, rhythms, beats, and everything you could imagine. Find all of the emotion and love me with it.

I feel like I've been gone for so long. My name should not be Allyson. It should change. It should've changed to someone else's name and kept my real one in a locker for the old me to return and pick up her books. Here, right now, with these sounds playing in my ears, with these words being written, I just opened the locker. The locker is now ajar. The locker is now apart of me and it has disappeared to the layers deep down in my soul. Welcome back. I always say I'm back and I lie. I know I'm lying. I never used to lie. I would lie but there would be heart behind it. Now I lie too much for my own good. But, I promise you that I am hear. Hello Allyson Marie Martinez. I just smiled as I wrote that. I feel whole. I feel like this empty puzzle piece, the blue piece that looks like all the others, it drives you mad because it can fit in two areas, well that piece, has been put back into it's place.

Picture that field of flowers once again. Picture it with a girl named "esmeralda" well that is who i've become. Get to know her. She is there. But she is now gone. She wanted to obtain her own body, mind and soul. She has welcomed Allyson in with open arms.

This weight has been lifted. Calm me. Kiss me. Hug me. This is who we are in the family tree.

theories and things like that

Theories start to form in my head about why I think the way I do. I have a loss of some type of chemical...I know it...I'm wrong. It's just me being who I am and I have no problem with it.

Things have been drained out by unhappiness lately but I have no way to control them. Part of this makes me feel in control. Loss of control gains control. A mixed up type of world that only I belong in. If you understand, you can share it with me. But if you don't, I can't make up any excuses and I have to leave you behind. Leaving you behind isn't a problem, missing you is the only problem.

My legs and knees are starting to hurt from the cold. I've forgotten what sweat is. I don't know what sun shine means to me anymore and some how, I miss it. Instead of it being so cold at home, I wish it was wet. I wish all of the rain would fill up my lungs and leave me breathless. It still does and I don't need to feel the overwhelming feeling of drowning. Are you jealous? Do you want what I have? I don't have much but I promise I'll share. I might be greedy at first but I know that once we find each other in the mist of forgotten memories, we'll be perfectly fine. We'll be the best of friends.

I don't understand how you haven't noticed how much I've missed this. This whole thing is part of the days where I was better off with and without you. It was more towards the "with." I feel like I'm trying to reconnect with my past. Not so much as to hold on, but to connect. I feel disconnected. I feel like my chord has been unplugged and I'm plugging myself into all these electrical fixes so that I can be someone. If not me, then someone. This is leading my way back to my socket. I am now here and I have plugged myself in. The current is flowing through my body and the flowers are growing inside of my brain and stomach. I have seen the worst today but I think it's awaken me to reality and to stop wasting my fears in my nightmares. If that even makes sense... I'm listening to music from the past and I can feel the rhythm. I feel everything. I can feel his voice penetrating my body and her soft fingers pressing the keys on the keyboard and making all of us feel like we're all related somehow, some way.