so i thought we needed this type of moment.
the kind where i watch you take pictures of yourself and i smile cause your usually really shy and right now your open and something new. I like this new kind of comfortability.
So i'm taking a sip of my coffee and we're discussing books. I like klosterman and you like bukowski. we are kindred spirits and i'm loving every moment.
my shirt says "to hell with you and all your friends" and its yellow and you say you cant stop thinking about it with me in it. You want to tell all your friends to go to hell just so you can worship my shirt.
I laugh at your funny jokes and i shake my head at the ignorant things you say. My lips are moving and your nodding to try to understand the language that im talking to you in. You seem interested and lost at the same time. i know ive got you in.
Your taking sips of your tea and your talking about how it kind of awakens you from a long depressing withdrawl from writing. you say that you havent written in days and that writers block has cause destruction completely. I frown cause i know how it feels not to know what to say when your hands are ready to be off.
We close up our meeting and i tell you we'll meet again. i look down at the shoes your wearing and i can picture ian curtis picking them out back in 79' but its cute and i laugh. i wish i could take a picture of them. and you smile and say its all good cause ill see them again.
and the day is over.
26.2.10
21.2.10
maybe its time
There is this line that I keep following. One foot in front of the other, never letting my foot slip off one side. The floor is right beneath the line. But I never want to walk off of it. It's this sense of safety that comes along with each and every step. I tend to make myself worry more than necessary. So when every step is accomplished, it's one less to worry about.
I think about how short time I have left till I graduate. It's quite exciting. I need to get money to pay for the stamps for the Language Fiend zines and I need to find a way to get money for everything else I plan on buying. No jobs for me. I'm not allowed to get one. Weird, I know.
My friends keep getting closer. Some are a little too close for comfort. Hopefully once I graduate I'll find who my real ones are and who will actually stick around through thick and thin. Some open their mouths way too often, others open their legs way too often. It's the same story all around. You'd think I'd be apart of this, but I'm the exact opposite. I never fall in line with any of these people. I am a commentator, listing statistics and watching every move they play during the game. It's what I do. But it's not what I live for.
My writing has gradually become less appealing to me. But my imaginative writing was done mostly during the summer. So hopefully when it comes around I'll be able to paint every color, draw every picture, with a couple words. It'll help. I know it will.
Let's live in this moment.
I think about how short time I have left till I graduate. It's quite exciting. I need to get money to pay for the stamps for the Language Fiend zines and I need to find a way to get money for everything else I plan on buying. No jobs for me. I'm not allowed to get one. Weird, I know.
My friends keep getting closer. Some are a little too close for comfort. Hopefully once I graduate I'll find who my real ones are and who will actually stick around through thick and thin. Some open their mouths way too often, others open their legs way too often. It's the same story all around. You'd think I'd be apart of this, but I'm the exact opposite. I never fall in line with any of these people. I am a commentator, listing statistics and watching every move they play during the game. It's what I do. But it's not what I live for.
My writing has gradually become less appealing to me. But my imaginative writing was done mostly during the summer. So hopefully when it comes around I'll be able to paint every color, draw every picture, with a couple words. It'll help. I know it will.
Let's live in this moment.
14.2.10
first time for everything....
So this is the first time in a long time where I feel the need to write in the morning. There is this morning sunlight urge that makes me contemplate the thoughts that are going through my head. I watch some certain movie, I hear certain things and then i suddenly feel like I need to write. I hope this kind of thinking always stays with me, even in my old age.
I usually don't see myself getting old. When I told someone very close to me this, they hushed me because I think it was very taboo to talk about death. I'd rather die young then actually see all the people I completely care about leave me. I guess I like beating people to the chase. I've always been this way, and this mentality was picked up far before I was old enough to think for myself. But, I guess it's very unusual to think about what would happen after you've left. I don't mind it much and I appreciate everything I have. But I want it to stay this way. I want to appreciate the things I HAVE not the things I HAD. Maybe someone will understand this but for now I'm on my own.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Kevin Devine. There was no doubt or second guess to what I should listen to when I thought about bringing my lap top inside my room to write. I guess just certain people fit certain moods at certain times. I think the last time I felt this way I wasn't listening to anything. Everything was quiet and everything was peaceful outside. I guess it fit that time. But right now I needed some kind of mellow soundtrack to play. No, not the soundtrack of my life. I hate the way that sounds. Because not a few songs could fit my life at all. Only bits and pieces of some. It would sound like complete shit if I put it all together. But I guess no one's is perfect.
I was thinking about the situations I've been through with relationship types. Lets describe them:
1. First boyfriend. One of those relationships where you hold hands and hug. You never kiss. OH NO OH NO! That's absurd. We were too shy. Most of the time I'd walk home alone because I was too shy to ask him to walk me home. People felt that I'd never get another boyfriend this way. He wrote me cheesy letters that said, "If you were a book, I'd check you out. Love (insert name here)." And then we both decided to end it because we both knew he wanted someone else. He wanted a close friend of mine. And that was that. I didn't cry. I was mad but in my head I thought wow if that was this easy and I'll just be mad when we break up then I can do this.
2.First kiss. This relationship was all sparkly and pretty. Actually, now that I think of it, it was rather quite stupid. It was dumb and it lasted for about 2 weeks. I met this guy about twice and he was one of my good friend's older brother. He thought I was cute and he asked her to introduce me. We hung out once. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I had my first kiss and anything was totally out of the question. I knew he wanted more but it wasn't gunna pass for me. Everything was off limits. I was still shy and after a while he stopped calling me. He stopped showing up to my class. He just completely cut off contact with me. Until one day he called to tell me he wanted to be friends. I cried for a day. and I was done. Next day he had pictures up with another girl.
3.Oh it is love. I like naming these relationships. It's kinda fun. Well this one was what you call "OH MY GOD IM SO IN LOVE!" I am actually smiling when I think about this one because it's so funny to think about how I let my guard completely down with this one. I let him tell me whatever he wanted. I let him do whatever he wanted. But in the beginning all he wanted was me until he saw the other girls walk by, and saw the other guys drinking and hitting on those other girls. It was all the perfect picture. While I thought i was having fun and in love, he was having fun and loving others. It was fun and cool at first. We were the closest of friends who just got caught up and started liking eachother. The first months we laughed and went places and then after that it turned into long nights and long talks. It was done after the third time of that special phone call named the "I got something to tell you" phone call.
4. Do what ever you want. This was the relationship that never really meant anything. I never cried. It was fun to have this person around. We joked around. He did his own thing and I did mine. We laughed. But that was it. There was nothing special. After catching him having a little more fun than usual, I said I needed to go and that was it. Did and done.
5.Dating phase. This is the time where I dated people. I wouldn't even call it dating because to some of them, I didn't even want them to kiss me. I didn't like getting their phone calls. When they found something else I didn't cry. I laughed and said congrats. And to this day, I say thank you to all of them. My guard was up and I promised it would never be let down. Maybe one of these guys would have gotten a chance to actually date me. But it wasn't there. The wall was up and like I said, it wasn't coming down.
6.What the hell am I doing? Now this is the one that puzzles me. After dating these guys that I had no intention of being with. I remember that I have this best friend that has talked me through each and every one of these phases or relationships. (whatever you want to call them) I always flirted with him. I had the hugest crush on him but I knew it would never be anything. We never hung out. We talked on the phone once in a while. We told each other our secrets. He came to me to tell me about his relationships and the girls he liked. and i did the exact same with him, and the boys I liked. I'd tell him to find me a guy that would be perfect for me and he'd just say, "I'm right here." I'd laugh and think nothing of it because that's how we played around. Now look at me, nine months in from our first kiss. Talking to him all day everyday. Laughing at the way he dances and sings to me. Going over his house to spend our time sleeping all day. It's funny actually. Now I don't wanna get cheesy or anything. Because it's not over yet. Not that I know of at least. But even if it is. I'll always consider him my best friend.
That felt good to write about. I'm laying on my bed on valentines day and my hair is messed up and i have shorts on with a wife beater. It's a beautiful day outside. And this isn't my favorite holiday. But it's good enough to actually be enjoying it. Tomorrow is another day to have infinite feelings. It really is.
I usually don't see myself getting old. When I told someone very close to me this, they hushed me because I think it was very taboo to talk about death. I'd rather die young then actually see all the people I completely care about leave me. I guess I like beating people to the chase. I've always been this way, and this mentality was picked up far before I was old enough to think for myself. But, I guess it's very unusual to think about what would happen after you've left. I don't mind it much and I appreciate everything I have. But I want it to stay this way. I want to appreciate the things I HAVE not the things I HAD. Maybe someone will understand this but for now I'm on my own.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Kevin Devine. There was no doubt or second guess to what I should listen to when I thought about bringing my lap top inside my room to write. I guess just certain people fit certain moods at certain times. I think the last time I felt this way I wasn't listening to anything. Everything was quiet and everything was peaceful outside. I guess it fit that time. But right now I needed some kind of mellow soundtrack to play. No, not the soundtrack of my life. I hate the way that sounds. Because not a few songs could fit my life at all. Only bits and pieces of some. It would sound like complete shit if I put it all together. But I guess no one's is perfect.
I was thinking about the situations I've been through with relationship types. Lets describe them:
1. First boyfriend. One of those relationships where you hold hands and hug. You never kiss. OH NO OH NO! That's absurd. We were too shy. Most of the time I'd walk home alone because I was too shy to ask him to walk me home. People felt that I'd never get another boyfriend this way. He wrote me cheesy letters that said, "If you were a book, I'd check you out. Love (insert name here)." And then we both decided to end it because we both knew he wanted someone else. He wanted a close friend of mine. And that was that. I didn't cry. I was mad but in my head I thought wow if that was this easy and I'll just be mad when we break up then I can do this.
2.First kiss. This relationship was all sparkly and pretty. Actually, now that I think of it, it was rather quite stupid. It was dumb and it lasted for about 2 weeks. I met this guy about twice and he was one of my good friend's older brother. He thought I was cute and he asked her to introduce me. We hung out once. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I had my first kiss and anything was totally out of the question. I knew he wanted more but it wasn't gunna pass for me. Everything was off limits. I was still shy and after a while he stopped calling me. He stopped showing up to my class. He just completely cut off contact with me. Until one day he called to tell me he wanted to be friends. I cried for a day. and I was done. Next day he had pictures up with another girl.
3.Oh it is love. I like naming these relationships. It's kinda fun. Well this one was what you call "OH MY GOD IM SO IN LOVE!" I am actually smiling when I think about this one because it's so funny to think about how I let my guard completely down with this one. I let him tell me whatever he wanted. I let him do whatever he wanted. But in the beginning all he wanted was me until he saw the other girls walk by, and saw the other guys drinking and hitting on those other girls. It was all the perfect picture. While I thought i was having fun and in love, he was having fun and loving others. It was fun and cool at first. We were the closest of friends who just got caught up and started liking eachother. The first months we laughed and went places and then after that it turned into long nights and long talks. It was done after the third time of that special phone call named the "I got something to tell you" phone call.
4. Do what ever you want. This was the relationship that never really meant anything. I never cried. It was fun to have this person around. We joked around. He did his own thing and I did mine. We laughed. But that was it. There was nothing special. After catching him having a little more fun than usual, I said I needed to go and that was it. Did and done.
5.Dating phase. This is the time where I dated people. I wouldn't even call it dating because to some of them, I didn't even want them to kiss me. I didn't like getting their phone calls. When they found something else I didn't cry. I laughed and said congrats. And to this day, I say thank you to all of them. My guard was up and I promised it would never be let down. Maybe one of these guys would have gotten a chance to actually date me. But it wasn't there. The wall was up and like I said, it wasn't coming down.
6.What the hell am I doing? Now this is the one that puzzles me. After dating these guys that I had no intention of being with. I remember that I have this best friend that has talked me through each and every one of these phases or relationships. (whatever you want to call them) I always flirted with him. I had the hugest crush on him but I knew it would never be anything. We never hung out. We talked on the phone once in a while. We told each other our secrets. He came to me to tell me about his relationships and the girls he liked. and i did the exact same with him, and the boys I liked. I'd tell him to find me a guy that would be perfect for me and he'd just say, "I'm right here." I'd laugh and think nothing of it because that's how we played around. Now look at me, nine months in from our first kiss. Talking to him all day everyday. Laughing at the way he dances and sings to me. Going over his house to spend our time sleeping all day. It's funny actually. Now I don't wanna get cheesy or anything. Because it's not over yet. Not that I know of at least. But even if it is. I'll always consider him my best friend.
That felt good to write about. I'm laying on my bed on valentines day and my hair is messed up and i have shorts on with a wife beater. It's a beautiful day outside. And this isn't my favorite holiday. But it's good enough to actually be enjoying it. Tomorrow is another day to have infinite feelings. It really is.
7.2.10
feb. 6
"babe we saw best coast last night."
Despite the constant bickering during the day and hating the living hell out of my home, I probably had one of the best nights ever. Talking crap about people, getting angry at people who push jesse, zoning out a couple minutes during the show, seeing people dance and mosh to the wrong things, and all of that with jesse.
I can only say so much because you just had to be there to experience it all.
3.2.10
college and kids...
I look at where I've grown up and the things I've seen. I can't even count how many things I've learned just in one week of living my life. I wonder if people pay attention to lessons as much as I do?
My life is going completely smooth. I know the path I'm taking and I know where I'm going. These words will give me the life I want. I know I'll make them better, and I'll dress them up with pretty clothes and jewelry and they'll sparkle under your own personal reading light. Your voice will make them sound sweet and bitter but I'll love every moment of it.
Lately I'll take a quick look at my future. I really don't like to do this but I realize if you look at more it'll become easier to face when you get there. Well at least that's my theory. I realize people will be gone at certain points and I'll meet new people. I wish I kept in touch with the people I met during the summer. I'll meet a college friend and maybe we'll fall in love and maybe we'll be the best of friends and maybe we'll hate each other in a couple of years. It's quite strange to think that there are so many possibilities for tomorrow. You can meet me and you can meet him and you can meet her and you can meet them. It'll all keep you so close that you'll feel the need to keep returning to it every single day. I like this spontaneous sense of my life. I wish high school was more along these lines but I guess we can't have everything right?
My magazine is flourishing. With the help of my best friend I wouldn't have gotten anywhere but his intelligence and sort of knack for being social helped me alot. He's so easy to get along with that, that's why I think many people like him. Anyway, on another note. We are finally done with our first issue and we're going to finally mail them out. It seems like such a fairy tale to come up with some crazy but magnificent idea and then all at once it's real. It's your everyday life. We organize our stories and our interviews. We listen to bands to see if they're good or not. We argue countless times because making decisions to suit the public is hard and then we give up for those first few awkward moments. And then we're right back to working. I like this feeling and I hope that once my career starts off after college I'll be making money off of my talents and ideas. Even if me and my best friend aren't super close anymore I know we will try and make things work for the sake of this amazing dream come true. Or at least I hope it will. Friends work things out and him being my friend for two years solves everything.
And then I like to take a look at my past. i make fun of the things i wore, said, and did. I laugh hard at the people I actually let myself deal with. But i never laugh at the lessons I learn. It all serves as a great purpose in the end I guess. My ex boyfriend is now a good friend after a long battle. And i think this being so has gotten me through alot. Being friends with someone you used to care deeply about makes everything so much clearer. Even if you aren't friends you can still move on and still find love but you will always have unanswered questions and personally, I like to know the answer to everything. Being this close to seeing what i have and what i had makes me think clearer and makes me think the right way. All of it just seems so nice and yes there will be hard stuff later but i'm sure even from a high school mishap, I'll learn and learn every day.
So let this be the end of another day. Well, at least until I explain what I feel again.
My life is going completely smooth. I know the path I'm taking and I know where I'm going. These words will give me the life I want. I know I'll make them better, and I'll dress them up with pretty clothes and jewelry and they'll sparkle under your own personal reading light. Your voice will make them sound sweet and bitter but I'll love every moment of it.
Lately I'll take a quick look at my future. I really don't like to do this but I realize if you look at more it'll become easier to face when you get there. Well at least that's my theory. I realize people will be gone at certain points and I'll meet new people. I wish I kept in touch with the people I met during the summer. I'll meet a college friend and maybe we'll fall in love and maybe we'll be the best of friends and maybe we'll hate each other in a couple of years. It's quite strange to think that there are so many possibilities for tomorrow. You can meet me and you can meet him and you can meet her and you can meet them. It'll all keep you so close that you'll feel the need to keep returning to it every single day. I like this spontaneous sense of my life. I wish high school was more along these lines but I guess we can't have everything right?
My magazine is flourishing. With the help of my best friend I wouldn't have gotten anywhere but his intelligence and sort of knack for being social helped me alot. He's so easy to get along with that, that's why I think many people like him. Anyway, on another note. We are finally done with our first issue and we're going to finally mail them out. It seems like such a fairy tale to come up with some crazy but magnificent idea and then all at once it's real. It's your everyday life. We organize our stories and our interviews. We listen to bands to see if they're good or not. We argue countless times because making decisions to suit the public is hard and then we give up for those first few awkward moments. And then we're right back to working. I like this feeling and I hope that once my career starts off after college I'll be making money off of my talents and ideas. Even if me and my best friend aren't super close anymore I know we will try and make things work for the sake of this amazing dream come true. Or at least I hope it will. Friends work things out and him being my friend for two years solves everything.
And then I like to take a look at my past. i make fun of the things i wore, said, and did. I laugh hard at the people I actually let myself deal with. But i never laugh at the lessons I learn. It all serves as a great purpose in the end I guess. My ex boyfriend is now a good friend after a long battle. And i think this being so has gotten me through alot. Being friends with someone you used to care deeply about makes everything so much clearer. Even if you aren't friends you can still move on and still find love but you will always have unanswered questions and personally, I like to know the answer to everything. Being this close to seeing what i have and what i had makes me think clearer and makes me think the right way. All of it just seems so nice and yes there will be hard stuff later but i'm sure even from a high school mishap, I'll learn and learn every day.
So let this be the end of another day. Well, at least until I explain what I feel again.
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