I'll always feel the need to be protective of what I have and who I am. But now it seems my whole wall has fallen to pieces. Not that I don't care, it's because I've finally come to terms with myself. The world has fallen to it's knees and I am the ruler of all my emotions. They get the best of me at times but never again will the wind blow my leaves into the direction of the pile waiting to be swept up and carried off. The sun will shine and the moon will glow but I'll feel what I want and I'll believe what I want. So go on letting your emotions be known. Go on letting the world know what you feel but never again will I feed off of it. Your only going to be the wind that follows what ever clouds form that day. Let it be known.

I'm looking through it all, and ofcourse I know I shouldn't, but I look anyway. I create a feeling that I shouldn't be feeling but I know how you are anyway, so it bugs. I stare. I stare with my eyes closed. This fucking feeling bothers. My heart beats slow, my fingers roll fast, my tongue lies on the bottom of my mouth ready to yell out the words and the questions and every single syllable of whats floating in the air around me. I shouldn't be listening to petty music, and to some silly love songs. I should but I wont.


One of these days....I'll make some money.
Buy myself those things that I want. Acrylic paints.
Acoustic guitar strings. new bicycle seat. i ride over to your house each night.
one of these days ill get a real job
and that actually pays like my dad had


I know what's inside of that person. I can see straight through it. I don't need to know them to know. It's instinct... I feel my feet growing colder and colder but I don't get up to get a blanket because I like these feelings of need. This need that's useless but it'll comfort me. I need to stop wanting. My hands grow colder and colder. I'd usually wish I was laying in bed under blankets but my desires are useless. I crawl into this place that's created in my mind where I scream gibberish. But after a while I sit there and I laugh because nothing is real. My safe place isn't even real. I'll sing to myself and feel that small bit of content in myself but it'll soon fade away when I wake up and hear everyone else singing beside me. I'm only one and their voices boom with melody and chords flowing out so beautifully that I'm the background singer and that's all I'll be. my nice ness gets me no where.


My whole fucking face hurts.

Time has changed me.






I'm going to sing and sing and sing. And even though it's not better than everyone else's. I'll be happy because it's my own. My own wind. My own tone. My own language. its beautiful to noone else but me.

It upsets me more than it did before. What's funny is that I always used to speak my mind before. But I think I hold back now because I'm afraid it will turn out how it was last time. Phone calls. And more phone calls. Questions and more questions. It was all hectic and chaotic. You would get so irritated with me. You'd roll your eyes. You'd give me attitude. You were sick of it and maybe that's why you messed up so bad, but that shouldn't be the reason to make such drastic choices. Now, I hold everything in. I'm afraid of what they'll say. I'm afraid of falling down the hole. But, you should know, you were there.


"stop being a pussy those who stand for nothing fall for anything"
"i dont know anymore..."
"stop it already! i already told you what to do. now go do it or im gunna have to keep telling you the same thing over again. you promised me you wouldnt talk about this anymore or if you did it would be about how your overcame this fear."
"i know..."






Help me over come it.

I'm sitting in a cafe. Eating food and having a conversation with the people who have given me this life. Right outside of this beautiful little restaurant are tall buildings. Bigger than the monsters that would appear in my past dreams. They looked down on me, keeping my feet on the ground, making me feel like I'm home. I'm really home. But all at once people are screaming. Running up and down the streets. Yelling, "FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I look up and this beautiful symbol has flames surrounding it. Looking like the demon that haunts your religious dreams, had taken shape of this building. It's roaring and full of anger. You can't miss it. My eyes tear because I know precious lives are falling to pieces and I'm here, all the way down here, only living as a spectator, and not a hero.

I appear in a full officers uniform. I'm escorting a poor hopeless polish man to his fate. He's so sullen and his prosecutor is a tall German man who looks like he grew old with wealth. He has a smile on his face, and I know right then and there that he knows what he's doing and he's proud of himself. He really is proud. The judge sends me off to guard the parking structure and away I go.


I'm standing around making sure no danger comes upon these people. But a simple thought bounces through my head, imagine, only imagine what I would do if this building would collapse. What would I do?






All at once.....a crash...






The building starts to lean. It will not collapse. It will fall over on its side. I feel the ground rumble and rumble and rumble.





I feel a strong hit to the head and I'm out.



I wake up and alarms are going off. the building is on the ground on its side. My vision is blurred. Blood is everywhere. It's coming from my head. I have to reach the small space that leads to the outside but my vision is not helping. I will die if I dont get out in a couple of seconds. I crawl and I crawl but I never reach the outside...



I awake.








I know who you are, and I know where your coming from. I've been there before. I've tried on your shoes and now your trying on mine, but I won't let myself fall behind. This is my chance to shine. You had yours and now I'm on top of the stage doing my tricks and leading the band with a tune thats only audible to the greatest of the greats. I need my time. I waited. The moon will shine in the darkness and I'll sing with my heart and the wrong tune but I know it's my own voice. Not yours.




Hideaway
Well they'll seat us in the sun
By the way
Know you've always been the one

You'll ask your reasons why
What once was yours is mine
My baby's gone

Ride away
Gonna take me from my man
By the way
No they'll never understand

We'll have a bit of fun
Watching everyone pass us by

You'll ask your reason why

after all that this is what i found..

I read back. I read far back and I realize that the words that were created by such an immature mind were words of great presence and great glory. I find the reality peeking out through every adjective, noun, and verb. It's face hides but once you keep reading and reading you find that after all of the clues have been discovered, the most obvious secrets come out and we become known. We are pulled out of hiding and are held with our hands up and our words hanging out of our mouths. They'll betray us and save us. They save me from my own destiny. Words find me and take me along a back road that many people have not yet discovered. They show me around and make me feel at home. Hello home. Hello world. Hello future.


I remember when the slightest feelings would set off stories and the slightest rhythm would give me a sensation only happiness could give me, but it isn't happiness today. It is the escape of reality that pulls me closer like the heat on the earth. It pulls it in creating the sweat on our brows, the hard work we think we do is symbolized by a man with sweat on his brow. He is a hard worker but is he a thinker? Does he live off the satisfaction of feelings? I'm sure at one point he does. But does it feed him the strength that it feeds me? I should be so sure to say no. Hard worker come around so I can ask you some questions.

The winter should be coming around but I feel nothing. Only when my eyes are closed does the wind wrap itself around my body and give me the chill of comfort. It is here. It is where it's supposed to be. I am supposed to be cold. Am i worthy enough? Yes, I have loved this small chill down my spine since i was young. The best days were spent strolling down a cold stormy day with rain boots and a rain coat. No invitation needed. Come on in, enjoy the world. Enjoy it.

My life is taking swerving twists and turns. The driver is unseen. I try and try to take a peek but every time I get close enough to peek over the seat they turn again throwing me to the side of the window. Sly. Until one day when they drive slow, I ask politely for the identification of this magnificent person. They turn and I see myself. Smiling slowly but comfortable with the revealing aspect of this first meeting. I sit back. No longer asking any questions. They'll take care of me. She promised.


Billie sings slowly. Her voice drops into a sudden sad monotone voice. But i see in front of me, a band behind her and lester right at her side. He smiles when the song is done holding his trumpet in his right hand and bowing with the left hand slowly forming an L behind his back. She opens her eyes and she smiles. She knows the transformation she just made everyone go through. Oh, the new person I have become. I turn to my table and realize Im sitting at my computer listening to her through an MP3 file. The things that duo could do with the sound of their beautiful language being played through instruments and vocal chords. And here I come back realizing I am only a writer and it is what I will always be.