FRENZY

I'm in a posting frenzy today. I don't know what's gotten into me. I just wanna show you everything I wanna be and read and tell. Just everything.




One thing I do want you to know though is that I want to make a difference. I really do. Whether it's selling chocolate bars or selling chips to raise money for school or make cupcakes to help find the cure for diseases. I want to be something. I don't want to be on tv and I don't want to be in movies but I want one person out there to recognize me as the girl who helped their situation in life just a little bit more. I wanna give and not get anything in return but a thank you.

I dont understand why im doing this on here. I have too much time I guess.

You're not allowed to lie, okay?
uh sure.

Have you ever kissed the last person you messaged?
no i have not

What did you do today so far?
yell laugh breathe live write read same ol same ol

Will you be in a relationship next month?
uh sure

The last time you felt honestly broken?
last week when i was going through this mid-mid-life crisis

What does your last message in your inbox say?
uh well it was from a band concerning my zine

What are you listening to?
the little IM noise go off

Where would i have found you at 10pm last night?
in the shower

Have you eaten a live fish?
i hate fish

Do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?
take them off

When you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?
depends what movie

When was the last time you had a real smile on your face?
today

Will you be up before 7am tomorrow?
yes

Is anything bothering you?
uh not anymore.

Are you missing someone?
yes

What was the first thing you did this morning?
open the door for siria

Do you have a boyfriend?
well, he's not my boyfriend but we've been dating for almost 11 months. its just complicated. I think he really is waiting for me to ask him. lol who knows?

Have you gotten any messages from a random person lately?
haha no

Have you ever been completely alone with a guy in their bedroom?
yes

How do you feel about gay marriage?
let everyone be happy

Is your bed against more than one of your walls?
yes

Are you there for your friends?
yes

Are you planning on watching New Moon?
i did :/

If your parents searched your room, would they be mad at what they'd find?
no

What do you like more, Fruits or Veggies?
fruits

Are you taller than 5 foot 7 inches?
no

Are you taller than your mom?
no

Were you single two birthdays ago?
yes

Have you ever been called cute?
yes

What were you doing at 12 am last night?
asleep

Do you drink more apple or orange juice?
orange

What time did you go to sleep last night?
11 something

Do you have any plans for the weekend?
yes ITS EASTER WOOOO!

Have you ever slept in a bedroom with someone you liked?
yes

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
his name rhymes with messy

Does anyone call you baby?
bahahaha yes

Where did your last hug take place?
uh.........i think i hugged logan last?

Do you and your friends often hang out at Starbucks?
no

Does the last person you held hands with mean something to you?
he means WOOOSH thats alot

In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a guy?
probably not haha

What is the last thing you laughed really hard over?
something that jesse said on the phone

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
my mom

Tell me about the shirt you wore yesterday?
uh. it was a shirt that i got on one of the best nights of my life

Today-Tuesday

I'm looking at all the things she wrote. I kinda giggle a little because it all seems so clear now. Everything was so out there in perfect colors and back then I just watched without a care in the world, and now that the puzzle has come together I kind of feel guilty for even clicking on the link.

I remember this one time you walked me home and we were in the happiest of moods and you were making me laugh. When we came upon this little patch of grass and all the grass was dead and brown. The whole place looked so sullen. But right smack in the middle of it all was a small flower. And I got so excited that i pointed it out to you and as I started walking towards it, you ran to where the flower was, made sure I watched and smashed it with your shoe. I was devastated, but I couldn't help but laugh so hard. It all seemed so sudden and joke-ish that I didn't even care. I kinda just wanted to see you do it again. You made fun of me after for being so devastated and for having a really funny look on my face. That's one thing I'll always remember.

Right now I'm ready to go to college. I went through this stage where I hated everything that was going on around me. I didn't wanna be anywhere but bed. Sometimes I didn't even wanna wake up to see jesse because I knew what kind of moods I'd be in, in the morning and it would only ruin our day together. I hate ruining our days together.

I've been so intrigued by Bukowski lately that I haven't even had time to run to Espinoza and tell him to check him out. The poems flow so elegantly off the paper. They don't have any rhyme scheme and there are never any couplets but the poems give me something to believe in. I'm sure he has heard about him and if he hasn't id be glad to introduce. Reading and writing has been giving me such great joy lately. Please give us this time to write a poem and show it to everyone. Show everyone what's really inside whether it's abstract or not.



You will live in my heart charles.


Language Fiend is going so smoothly. I've been thinking about starting a fundraiser to be able to send our zines to people in other countries. It's so wonderful knowing that mind and jesse's ideas are coming together, and people are really appreciating them. All thanks to Chalk Talk, Mark Chen, Ape up!, remainder, etc. etc. They've helped us get many readers and I couldn't thank them any more.



I like how you can see part of my body on the side. Jesse's hands are the mysterious ones holding our zine up. It's such a beautiful sight.

Spring break is coming up. Adventures are coming. I promise. Picture and or video.

-adventures with jesse
-movies at jesses house
(so many things with jesse ofcourse)
-dress shopping (prom)
-maybe hang out with an old friend IF THEY ACTUALLY KEEP THEIR PROMISE THIS TIME. yes you know who you are damn it.
-work on my musical abilities
-read 1984 (i dont understand why i havent read this already)
-stay up till 3 in the morning on the phone
etc. etc.
anything new, i'll add to the list.


Oh what a week.

I have these frivolous beats coming together making something of importance, in my ears. They have a meter of 4/4 and they are played beautifully on a xylophone.

I picture myself looking into a mirror. I don't see my reflection but I do see myself laying in a dark field with bright stars floating in the sky. My emotions are rising. Tears are falling. First is out of my right eye. I feel the wind brush my hair against my face and I know tonight when I take a shower it's going to smell of rich soil and fresh country air.

I then walk away from the mirror and head out into the real world. My mind is trying to process everything that is going on around me. I have grown up to recognize and learn the sounds of the world. The problems are presented to me and all I do is solve them. I take my time. Picking apart each puzzle but I do see where it ends. I hear the small bells of the church sound system start to ring and then I notice why it's caught my attention. They are not in the same "hallelujah" tone. They float off the walls and they conjure up a type of idea that's only recognized by free thinkers. I guess I was the lucky one today.


Ever since I was a little girl words were like presents to me. They opened up new thoughts and feelings but it was never clear why it was so easy to put them together and make them make sense. I'd tell stories of poisonous flowers and lucky villages with people who had wonderful stories to tell and beautiful lives to live. I was never part of the stories but they made sense. I now know that it is my calling.


I'm looking through an old year book from the 70's and I see unknown faces. I want to jump inside the picture and ask them a question that was never asked before. "What would you do if you were given a panda?" "What is your favorite foreign movie?" "If you could change your name what would you change it to?"
They all seem so decent. No problems. No issues. Just quiet people painted on black and white pages. I will someday be apart of this group. I will live as a memory in colored tones. I will live in yellows, purples, blues, blacks, and reds. This will be who i am.

its over...

I keep whispering to myself in the dark room, "I can't do this anymore." And I feel like I have nothing left to say. Everything is changing at wild intense speeds, except for myself. Time changes the normality of life styles and I change with time but this time I am the onlooker.




I'll sit here and listen to clay bodies and keep saying, "I'm done."

sea

mid-mid-life crisis

I'm going through this phase where I'm not content with anything or anyone.
I complain about everything.
I feel like I'm less secure about myself.
I mean honestly, nothing seems to interest me anymore.

Therefore, I have decided that I want to move away after I finish my general education at the school I will be attending in the summer. Somewhere where I won't be noticed and no one will yell out my name is recognition. I want to be away from it all. So...that's what I'm going to do.


I feel my throat closing in. I feel my eyes starting to get smaller. I know why this is happening and I don't like to point it out.


So there is where I stop complaining. I stop hating everything. I stop letting my frustrations get ahead of me and I just sit still. I wait till something happens. My background will move fast while I sit in the same place for hours on end. Well in my case it will be about a year and a half.


Let summer begin and the waiting start.

meh

Lately I've overcome some things and I keep holding onto others. The weather is increasing tremendously and I feel like this summer will hold my future in it's small over heated hands.

I constantly get irritated by so many things and I feel that maybe soon I'll lose control of whats important to me. I become overwhelmed by my sense of pride or my weaknesses and I fail to bring myself back to normal.

My magazine has caught on fire and is now making itself known throughout the states. Good ideas are what I live for.

School is ending. High school is a bore. I remember reading about a week ago, my posts about how I was so excited for senior year and how great it was going to be. I live for the end now. I complain so much that even I hate hearing about it. But every time I return I seem to dread it more and more. The people, the useless information, the insufficient teachers. It all becomes a haze and I've been trying to find my way out of it for months.

I'm choking up right now because it seems like I'm wasting time here. I feel that I could be a writer making my name a little known, and I'll be out of here. But the more I return to the school the more i realize that I hate it. Im in a sea of kids. Maybe I'm an elitist? But at this point I am not ashamed of it. I've done what I needed to do, and I've learned what I needed to learn. Oh well, it's ending.


My best friend and lover pisses me off so bad sometimes. He doesn't like to listen to me. He hates when I keep talking when he's yelling at me to shut up. But this is only this week. I think it's one of those things where you're around someone too much and they just get tired of hearing the same old things. I can understand that but sometimes i hate the thought of him actually being tired of me or bored. It's this kind of phase we go through where we argue and argue and I bitch and complain and cry because I'm sick of it and then BOOM! it's back to normal. I wait for saturdays so that it can go away but oh well.



this is life.

ha.

Question

What do you say when you hear the truth about what youve always wondered about. It doesnt fit what you always pictured it to be and it gives you an ugly feeling inside.

"because that certain someone was someone else.."




But then the bluriness comes clear and you have what youve always longed for.