Trails

 There is something nagging deep inside my heart. This passion is setting this fire deep deep inside and I can’t figure out how to tame it. I’m constantly envisioning myself running, literally. Everything around me is dusty, yet majestic. All I want to do is accomplish this goal of mine or better yet, get better at it. I want to run without feeling my calves ache or without feeling like my lungs are gasping for air. I know this isn’t possible. Even the greatest runners aren’t able to surpass this but I yearn to be more skilled. I hope one day I can come back here and tell you how much I’ve grown.

Goodbye

 Today I say goodbye to a bag full of memories. I know I’m usually poetic about my thoughts, but this time I’m being as literal as I can get. A bag full of memories or a bag holding all of my precious possessions. Love letters, photos, birthday cards and Christmas cards, notes, and all of the above. I say goodbye but I hold you so close to my heart.

I’ll miss you.

Let the People Rise

hail to the people of the streets. let their voices rise as we all rejoice for a better day. let us fight for our people and our freedoms. the people are burning and tearing holes in hearts. rightfully so...let there be hearts unmended left behind. i struggle to look at people the same way. how can they justify their behaviors and their views. so dated. so racist. i lose hope in friends and family. we will rise and bring everything tumbling down with us. help us.

ASARO

I Do Love You

Everyone tells me that if I didn't love you I wouldn't be here. I wouldnt have the feelings that I feel deep in my heart. I wouldnt cry at the thought of more people being hurt. I wouldnt feel like my life is crumbling around me, as I watch my family be torn to shreds by the revolution. I've never had to choose a side...but i've made my bed. I lie here in my beliefs. I create an image of the world and if theyre not in it, then that's what may be. I've never felt more solid in my convictions. It's so real and that is why it hurts so bad.

Good bye friends.

Good bye family.

You are no longer attached to the strings that I hold onto.

My beliefs are too strong to continue to convince myself that you also know what love is. What is love? It is the most beautiful unconditional feeling. You want nothing but the best for everyone. I want it all for them. I want to watch all of this fall and be built into a magnificent place for those who need a home the most.

That is, my friend, what troubles me the most these days. I have relied on my readings to keep me warm at night, but thats the best I can do. I'm always giving my best. This seems to have become a problem. The best isn't what is needed from me. What's needed from me is my devotion to love. Revolution is love...

I keep having strange dreams. I keep remembering people and conversations with people that have never taken place. My brain is painting pictures of events that could never happen in a million years. People that never cared or no longer care, keep appearing. They're haunting me. Telling me things that I don't want to hear. Telling me that what I know and love isn't real.

I go through these haunting images every few months. They creep back into my reality and send me into a spin every few months. I look for symbols or signs to validate that these dreams are real. Or that they have a secret message for me. I tell my friends. I expect that they'll have some insight for me, but they're not in my brain. They can't see me crying in my dreams. They can't see me trying to reach out for those who haven't been in my life for many years. They laugh and tell me I'm crazy for dreaming up these images and people. They tell me, "Oh God..." and hope to change the subject. I know why they think that...They tell me I wouldn't be where I am today if any of those things I dream up are true. Those horrifying images come to life every time I wake up, though, and I can't dismiss that. How do i pretend that these things don't wreck me? I can't...

So I sit here trying to reckon with my memories. The things I felt that still feel very real to this very day. The drive to you. The sitting outside in the cold weather. The private conversations. The darts. The way you showed your teeth. The letters. The collect calls. The knee touch. The pick ups down the road. The blood spilling out onto the floor. The demons. The girls. The building crumbling...Its all in my dream land. All of it fizzles as the clock strikes 6:30.

Wake up. That isn't real life.

Welcome Back to Paradise

Hello, Old Friend.

You don't know how long I've searched for you. I checked my bed, my drawers, my most prized possessions for any remnants of your existence. Everything hurts and you're what I needed most. I've been lost for about 7 years without you. 2013 to 2020. My life has felt like its had this huge gaping hole in it and it was you. My words haven't been coming out clearly. My thoughts haven't been able to form beautiful pictures anymore. Even when theyre made of sadness, they're all fragmented.


Where have you been?

I searched far and wide for you. I called and asked about getting you back. They refused. They told me you were gone for good and all I had was an imprint in time. I never thought I could feel you under my fingers again. I never thought my words would come out crisp and whole ever again. Even if they were broken and fragmented, I'd at least know you were there to hold them up for everyone else to see.

I don't know where to start, but I know it's here. With you.

I'll see you soon.

love

I've listened to the song a million times. It still makes me feel the way I did during the cold winter months. I was wrapped up in blankets. I wore nothing but sweaters, jeans, and sweats. I was crying. I wasn't eating very much. But, somehow, that song gave me hope. Even though you hadn't heard the song at all and you didn't like the singer, I still felt like you were connected to the song. I still felt the emotion that you were trying to convey, in that particular song. It was the gleaming light in the fog. The one that led me to believe unspoken truths. Truths you didn't want me to know.

I remember the way you wouldn't let me go. I didn't want to be your friend. It was going to kill me if I stood around any longer, but at the same time, I didn't want to let you go either. You persuaded me to stick around and watch her love you the way I should have been loving you. I knew I had loved you more because no matter what stupid decisions you made, I stupidly forgave you for them.

I remember the look on your face when we sat down to eat. You asked me how my college applications were going and I said they were going great. I told you I had applied to schools rather far away because I needed to get away from everything. You looked at me and said, "what is everything?" I said, "Everything is you." And the look of dread and sadness fell upon your face and you just put your head down and continued to eat. You didn't wanna hear it. You didn't want to know that you had affected me that much. You didn't want to know that I wasn't going to only leave you as a friend, but I was going to physically leave, so that even if you wanted to come back to me, you couldn't. It wasn't going to be possible.

There are so many things I remember and that song still makes me feel the same. It's bitter-sweet. I always want to listen to it because I picture myself determining my future. You made your mistakes but you realized what you did. And i'm glad you're back home.

I wish you'd see her the same way that i do. I wish you'd see that she's a terrible person inside and out. I don't know if you're afraid to utter bad words because you were the root of the problem.

The anger inside of be is building. I'm usually calm and collective but this time around I can't stop the anger from dripping out of my nose and flowing through my veins. i want to swat you away like a gnat that won't leave my personal space. you deserve the worst of karma.

I hear this song and think about the way you'd touch my face.
your skin was rough but you always touched me so gently that i barely noticed you were there.
you used to tell me my eyes were the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen.
you'd ask to hear my slow breathing over the phone while i'd fall asleep.
i used to exaggerate my exhales so that you could picture the waves of my hair pressed gently across my pillow and my mouth shaped into a small o.
youd embrace the cold winds of december and january just to see me fall asleep on your shoulder while we sat on the sidewalk outside of my house.
you were perfect in a terrible way.
today, i hate you.