Middle ages

I'm looking at the picture as a whole. It's wilting at it's sides. It almost looks like I've kept it in a box in some old broken down house that creeks every time anyone wants to walk through it. It's turning brown. It's a side. I can tell you, I can go on and on, about what it looks like and what it really is. But, then I'll be beating around the bush, and that's what I've been trying to get through for the past couple of days. This picture has become something that I never wanted to lose even if I lost it I wanted to keep the image in my head forever but now I'm not to sure what I wanna do with it. I lost it, but not on accident. I lost it on purpose. The picture is old...

I'll still hold onto it forever but right now I don't wanna see it. I don't want to hold it and I don't want to watch it in the corner of my eye, lie there and pretend that it means nothing. So many things have changed in this new picture. Maybe I'm the one changing, maybe it's you but its definitely different. So many times have i tried to convince myself that I'll never let myself follow the same steps and choose the wrong paths over and over again. But here I am again, wanting the same things, wishing i was in the same places.

The only thing I can do now is look at it and put myself there again. But that won't mean I wont put it back in it's box and leave it to wilt some more. Only time will tell to see what I'll actually do with it. My decisions must come quick before I fall behind and watch this picture from all the places I'm in. I'll think about it and pull it out right when I get home. I'll glance on it on my free time. I don't want that. So now I'll keep it.



I'll put myself there and see what I feel.
Is it right for me?
What is it really that I picture myself looking like in a mere distant picture?
I don't know but if it's not here I'll have to leave.


Give me some time and I'll figure it out. I'll follow my ambitions and I'll know at the right time.
May it be tomorrow, may it be next week, next month? right this second....




i can see the path already, but for now, welcome to the world where a picture can say a million words.

I don't know about you, but damn my grandpa rules.
His christmas gift was a playboy robe with a pipe. Siiiickk.

Lines and sentences

Since the beginning of this adventure, if that's what you wanna call it, I've been considering the fact that the neon lights are glowing brighter and brighter. The lights are even starting to change colors at this point in time. I see you trying to keep yourself from turning, from looking at the wonderful rainbow filled light bulbs. Now it's doing swirls and loopty loops, now she's really got your attention. I'm sitting here carving the pumpkin that I found, putting a candle in it to try to add some variety to the light I give off but they will never be like hers. They will never be like hers.

So I walk around trying to see if money will buy me the lights I deserve. Maybe all the things I've gone through are why I haven't been able to keep the candle blowing for long. It goes off once the neon light begin to light up once the sun starts to go down. Windows glow, attention is served, and I'm alone.

For now, I'll ignore it. But until that day, let me tell you, I know.

What am I doing? I'll show you. I promise. I will.





Create a world, and let me be apart of it. Let me fall out of it, let me fall through it. Let me through what you call danger. Twisting and turning my body. Looking at you from the corner of my eye. I can see you walking. I can see you turning and becoming invisible. I'm only a young one with a big heart. I only have so much to believe in. I believe in myself. A god? A higher figure? I am that higher figure. Through the universe and through the skies, I believe in what I want. You call me mischievous but I'm only trying to make it. Hang me up in your closet and take me out when you wanna play dress up. I'll be here all week.

Your smile is one thing that hurts me to see. I feel the ache every single time but I smile because I know sometimes that it's for me. When I'm around it's for me. I call you closer and closer and you come but sometimes it's a battle and I love every fight. I love every name drop. I love every cuss word. I love every word that we yell. It's a piece of artwork. It's the messy part and I love every moment of it.


So then your smile becomes a cure. I become fragile. You become powerless. But we live. I look at this ring and I know we live. Maybe it's real this time. I feel the reality brush against my skin every time you touch me. Every time you grab my face to kiss you.


Let it rush by. Let the pin drop. I'll still be around.

Erase me.
Erase....
Me...





My stomach hurts. This is what i get.

I was walking tired and on my own, and you had seen this coming all along.

There's a rush flowing through my body. A sudden feeling of adrenaline flowing through every nook and cranny. I read my old blog posts and I'm loving it all. I read through everything in it. I examined every word with a magnifying glass and put them in little test tubes to test for any viruses or overlooked emotions. I find myself growing over constant periods of time. Loving more that's living. Living more to love. My words are becoming strange and breaking into tiny pieces, making it harder for my readers to understand whats going through my head. I'm liking this. I'm loving my mysterious, cryptic messages. Not even you can tell what I'm saying. I want my messages to be kept to myself. As I grow I notice the growth in my own personal language. No longer do I turn to overused, big words to describe myself in the clearest way possible. My language becomes fluent and easily typed out within a matter of seconds. I wait for someone to decipher it all. I wait... My hands ache every day to type out something that's been stored in my head for weeks, but when they get to their home, they lose all energy, making me forget what I wanted to say, what I wanted to show all along. I can feel it all. I can feel it building up inside me creating some dream that only plays when my eyes are open. When my mind is far away from here, I can see it all. I can see the stairs. I can see you calling my name asking me for my hand. I see you falling and me running to help you up but then there is a sudden pause. Your gone. You can't read what I'm saying. Nothing but subtitles run along the invisible screen, controlled by some outside force that was never there to begin with. My words run into each other like a chaotic intersection, creating one big huge mess of a call for help. Where did you go? Why can you not hear me anymore? Why are you so far away? I thought you needed my help. The beats start. A small tapping of a drum. I lose my thought and I begin to feel revitalized. I'm energized. It's not the end. I must go on my search. Not to find you, but to find myself. Because I know when I find myself, you will be there. You will be standing on your own two feet, just like I will be in the end. I will be there in the end. So many words want to be voiced but I know that they will all have their own time to shine. Giving me only but a few seconds to really think if they should be spoken or not. I run through the script realizing that I'm only one person and no one controls this channel of thought but me. The b flat starts playing in a 4/4 measure and I can feel myself starting to build the adrenaline up again. The guitar starts playing, the drums come together, the keyboards begin and I'm off.


Here I am. As real as ever. As revitalized as ever. Believe me. Read me. I'm ready.

New read. and its a hit, and score.

blood

My blood rings around my veins squeezing it so tightly that I feel like I'm suffocating. But i remember its all in my head.

absotutely

I hate days like this. I hate them very much. I press repeat on the song I've recently fallen in love with:


I know it's hard for you to show that you love me
I can see when you look at me you want to tell me
you say you don't know how
but you don't have to 'cause I know
you say you don't know how
but you don't have to 'cause I know


But then the feeling comes. It comes at a speeding power, crushing me with all it's might and leaves me with a sense of doubt. I doubt myself. I doubt you. I doubt it. I doubt us. I feel out of place like anywhere in the world but the place I'm in would be the place I belong. Just not the settings I'm currently placed in. Whats wrong? I look at the beautiful slanted tree in the yard of the house that looks like it'd store lonely spirits and people with beautiful minds. I think to myself, I'd wanna be there. I know I'd fit in, sitting right there on that branch. But then I remember, I'll never be there. That's not my place. That's someone else's. So i let the feeling pass and I let time pass. Suddenly, it's gone. I'm right where I need to be. My stomach softens. My mind flows. My breathing slows. My heart is steady.



The off feeling of uncertainty.

At many many times do i make my weird facial expressions and think about the things you do and whther or not i want to be apart of them. Countless times do i have the need to say something but the horrible trait that i was born with to be nice to everyone kicks in. I dont know why i cant but its just how it is. Everytime i doubt i realize doors open and doors close. Its life allyson.


So whther the wind closes it or shoves it into the wall i count the timeswhere i wish i had the strength.

Would i have it this way or would i keep my face and teeth straight to hold my thoughts in place never taking the wrong direction? I dont know.

We'll just wait and see.

What is in you that i have not yet accomplished or have Gained from my experiences. I find myself wondering countless times. What brings them to their knees? Is it your hair? Your eyes? Your touch? Your randomness? Your legs? What?



Maybe im too mellow. Too soft hearted to stir up anyones emotions.

I love the world and its rainy personality. It lures a certain feeling outside of my body and brings it to life through my actions. I count my steps and steady my breathing as i watch the droplets fall and the wind blow away all of my misfortunes. Constantly do I find myself wishing i was watching this with someone who has made a significant change in my life and even though he can't be there I still never give up and fail to think that we will share this same moment.

Who was it that got stabbed here? There's blood everywhere. its pulled up thrown around in tracks. whos blood is this?






well its mine. i got stabbed here. With a flexing arm, i stabbed myself and the blood flow let go all i had taken in.






step 1:

swim out and dive down and face the fear of the seemingly bottomless black of underwater. Imagine that its endless but know that there's a sandy bottom not far.

step 2:

Flip around out in the water, and look up, facing the fear of even acknowledging the true endless black with its bright spots and invisible black spots, shimmering towards you through great distances.

step 3:

Now, the ultimate depth. Get out of the water. Go home. Close your eyes until you fall asleep and notice the thick black haze set in but also see the bright spots of green shimmering out of the depth and imagine how true and endless that abyss is, and how there are distant and visible dreams behind the ones you can see and how those bright spots are still there when you awake, just obscured like starlight in a blue moon sky.

woke up with a sense of pride. She's better now and we're going to celebrate her life by getting together, smiling and laughing.


Family together. Food being consumed. Jokes being told. Laughter being spewed. Stories being shared. Ears ready in place. Love is being shared. Hugs and kisses are bieng given.



RIP nina lupe.



you were beautiful inside and out. You gave the best presents ever. I remember on everyone's birthday or on christmas or basically any holiday, everyone would wait till they got your present. You always knew what everyone wanted. You gave the kids the loving they needed when they didnt get it. Everytime all of us were at grandma's house we'd all wait till you got home. We'd hear heels tapping against the front steps and start running and yelling, "NINAS HERE!!!!!!" You were more than a nina should be, you were like a mom. More to others than most. But you knew exactly how to make us laugh and make us smile. You taught me how to make root beer floats. I thought you were genius after that day. I thought you created something so epic that every time you came home, I begged you to make one for me. It was amazing. But even when I did find out that everyone else knew what they were, I still thought you were amazing for taking the time out of your day to teach a little girl how to make an all time favorite desert.


The last day I saw you was at my birthday party. I remember it very clear. You were inside for most of the party. You were looking pale but you were having a good time. While everyone else was outside drinking and laughing, I was inside opening my presents and only you and grandma were there to watch me. You were all into my presents asking me to hold them up and see what I got. You made me feel like the whole world was paying attention to me, and I loved it. But, that was the last day I saw you.




It's been 3 years now and we all miss you terribly. It's hard not to hear your heels tapping against the cement anymore. It's hard to think that your not coming back, because in our hearts, we all tell ourselves, "Oh, ninas just coming home late from work today." We just keep waiting to hear that tapping against the floor, so we can all run to you and tell you about our day.






Love you nina.

Movie day

She's crying because she doesn't wanna go to the movies. I say to hell with the opinions of the young ones. LETS HAVE A GOOD TIME TONIGHT!

i've got a place in the arctic circle. i got a place and i paint it white.






Such a good day.

Played some sudoku with the grandma. We all watched "medium" and "ghost whisperer." And we discussed the misfortunes that will be pushed upon me if I move.
"Do you really wanna move that far?"
"not at all..."
"its way too far. your auntie lives super far and now your moving farther in the other direction. You guys are leaving me with your uncle michael."
"hahaha. yeah but im not changing schools. I already told them that I'm definitely not leaving school."
"You could live here with me if you like..."
"grandma you dont know how bad I wish i could!"


Ugh. The greatest time living at my grandmas. Sounds like it would be a party every single day.


I want to go eat thai food.
Grandma, mom, and I are planning to have a girls day out to eat some pad thai and have the greatest night of our lives. We deserve it!


I can't wait to get my circa shirt. Order is going in today. YES!

The scariest day is the day that you'll never know if you'll fall short or not. Especially when you have no control of it. Your not even there. Your no where close to where it'll happen. It's not even you.





Destiny.

You’re talking to her now and your eaten something minty and your making that face that I like.

Even if the sky is falling down like she supposed to be,
She gets down low for me,
Down like her temperature, ’cause to me she zero degree,
She cold, overfreeze,
I got that girl from overseas,
Now she my miss America,
now can i be her soldier please,
I’m fighting for this girl,
On the battlefield of love,
Don’t it look like baby cupid sending arrows from above,
Don’t you ever leave the side of me,
Indefinitely, not probably,
and honestly im down like the economy,
Yeahhhhhh

getting pizaaaiidd. its going to rule so hard.

wilderness explorer

List:


-light brown hat
-w.e. patch for hat
-light brown shirt
-sash with different patches
-w.e. patch for shirt
-us flag for sleeve
-brown shorts
-long white socks
-brown shoes
-w.e. flag
-balloons

mile per hour mile per hour mile per hour

Sitting at home alone listening to algernon cadwallader. Its blasting and its making me happy. Random things made me happy today and I'm not quite sure why. I woke up in an ugly mood, like usual, but once chris came to talk to me at school and made me laugh, I was the happiest ever. Anthony and his complaining added to that. Mikey and his silly assumptions that we'll be going to Berkely together had its contributions. Everyone yelling OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when ms. lu walked into our class made things a little spontaneous. But i think Algernon pretty much topped everything off.

"Are you still in music?"
"AP?"
"yeah."
"no. im in piano now."
"but i thought you had first period ap?"
"nah she gave up on me."
"aw pobresito haha"
"yeah ms. gray was like "chris go back to the tuba!"
"hahahahahahahahahahahhahahaha"




"my jacket is awesome huh?"
"yeah its pretty cool."
"I just hate it cause when I stretch out my arms my sleeves come up"
"let me see i bet its not even that bad."
(he stretches them out)
"oh my gosh! what happened to the other foot of material thats supposed to cover your arms?!"
"shutup allyson.."






I'm in love with this weather. It makes me wish I was home by myself most of the time with nothing to do but to listen to music constantly and eat jello. I'm eating jello right now, it has an off taste to it but I love it anyway. Now that I think of it, it kinda tastes like medicine, like cherry cough medicine. ugh.


I'm in a spontaneous mood today. I want to be loved. i want to love. i want to explore. I want to be free. I wanna walk. I wanna talk. I wanna live.





I feel like drawing. So off I go to try to create facial features that only one person in the world can truley possess.

In your room, in my room.

We will become one and live happily ever after.