June 30th

I remember this place. It was part of my child hood. It felt like i was swimming in a dream of youth. The walls were the same color and so was everything else.

Our stuff was still in place like we had never left and grew up. It was confusing. But I figured we should move our stuff out in case it bothered anyone.

I remembered the closet door like if it was something that was behind every hidden door I'd encountered in my life. It was the scariest thing to me as a kid. The door always remained locked but I figured as a teenager, almost legal, I'd open it and find out what was really behind the whispers and hand covered mouths.

To my surprise, as i opened the door, I found another locked door. I closed the first and walked to the next one. As the first one was closed, I heard it lock. *click* I looked back and decided to go on. Beyond the second was another door. I closed it. *click* The second one was locked. I walked up to the third and found myself in a room full of things from my child hood. As the third door was closed, it locked as well. *click*

The crib was there and so was the high chair that had my name carved in beautiful hand writing on the back. There was a mattress with a huge mirror standing in front of it. At that moment I felt drawn to the mirror. I had to look into it.


I stood in front of the mattress and looked into the mirror.

As i was looking at my reflection I noticed someone sleeping on the mattress behind me. She looked so familiar. Chubby cheeks, dimples, a little over weight, and two pig tails with bangs.



It was me at the age of four. I snapped my head back to the bed and noone was there. But as soon as I looked back into the mirror, my younger self was sound asleep on the bed behind me. I felt dizzy.


I ran to the door that led me into this room. It was locked. I found an ax and I started chopping at the wood. I climbed through the whole and started at the second door because I knew that it would be locked just as well. I ran as fast as I could and chopped away at the first door. I was free.






My eyes shot open.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZpft4M6EQQ


:30 seconds. stop. look at the babe looking guy who is sitting next to the one laying down.


jesse wants his hair like his and im all for it. so babe. root him on with the non washing of his hair!

I never understood where she came from. She was this girl who said things and I laughed at them or smiled at them and I just knew something was left behind.


I felt like the stairs were never ending and my mind was going on a swift airplane to neverland. it all made sense at one point and now I don't even understand what the signs mean.


The penetrable walls sink into my body and collapse with a silent death. I feel like I'm alive or I'm at the middle mark making a decision.


I hope I can say hello to you sometime. You were always the one I wanted to be with but things didnt work out. We left each other at the door and that's how it stayed. My little goldfish, that's what ill always remember you by.


tick tock tick tock tick tock. my mind is muttering small phrases from grand standing books that tell me of time and space. it feels at home with the words and the commas but every space leave it empty until the next word starts.


I am unfinished, this is not the end. I will meet the new and the old and I will decide.

bad situations

I'm trying my hardest to hold back my tears right now. I never thought I'd be in this type of situation. I thought I was smarter than who I am now.


I thought I knew what I wanted in life and now I feel like I'm watching a movie.
The frames are freezing every couple of seconds and the sound is starting to fade.
This isn't my life but they gave it to me. I find myself searching for an answer.
I feel like I'm drowning in some type of vat of glue. It's to thick to even open my eyes.
I'm stuck in there until i know the solution of how to get out.


I want to fall asleep and wake up and know that everything is okay again.
I start crying because I thought I knew myself better than that.
It's no ones fault but mine. Not even his. It's mine.


So here we are trying to solve our problems and trying to pretend that we can still see the ground under our feet.

angry feelings

I get frustrated easily now a days. I think maybe it's my lack of social interaction and then sometimes i think it's because I get bored, so to entertain myself I make myself mad.


I don't know what it is. It's ridiculous.

I may seem to have a good life right now. New house. My own room. Money. New car (maybe). College.
But what they dont understand is that all of this stuff is material. Material that I have never had, so having them, doesn't mean a thing to me. It doesn't make me happier. It doesn't change my mood when I realize that I have them. Yes, I truly appreciate it all but I don't think that it should change the way I feel. If i'm irritated clothes won't make me happy and neither will anything worth a couple or even a hundred bucks will change that.


I think the life of being locked up in my room all the time and the life of keeping myself only close to one person should stop. I am not complaining but I do want change. I want to get more ideas and I want be influenced by great things and I wont be able to experience this if I dont jump up and do something for myself once in a while.


This is going to be something I want to do for myself and I promise you I wont let anyone stop me.

I'm watching the only movie that has left me speechless.






Welcome home mister supertrap.

song by song by song

I listen to the song and every single time I listen to it, it makes me laugh. I should kind of be weirded out by it but I always say FUCK IT, it's funny.


So this new house becomes smaller and smaller and I become more familiarized with the cracks and the sounds my fan makes when I pay too much attention to it.

My blinds are closed. My light is on. My mind is open.

The kitchen light looks like a dim star in the blackness of the house. It's so blunt everytime I see it. It says to me, "Well hello allyson. This is your new home. So deal with it." And i do most of the time but for now I still feel like im vacationing.

I pick up new things from the store every day to make myself feel a little more at home but all of these little material objects drag me farther and farther out from my home. I miss it but I don't miss the stuffy air that all of us would breathe in together. It's something I don't miss, definitely.


I write this with my new computer that I saved enough money for and now with the rest, I'll buy my school books and spend on new clothes. I'm not going to lie. I do want new clothes.


Vegas is going to become my new friend before summer school starts and I know I'll enjoy it. I hope I can take a friend along. He's not a friend, who am I kidding.


Kiss me before I break. I promise I'll tell you the truth.

So I'm trying to keep my mouth shut until you get home because I want to keep all my arguments in my head and in chronological order.


I don't think I've ever been so mad at you before but I have good reasons.

It hurts to be this way with someone like you but I can't hold back anymore.

Maybe it'll help us and maybe it'll break us but I promised myself that the next time I let my guard down that I'd be strong about it.






You're not home yet and my head is spinning and I'm waiting for you to call so I can ask simple questions before I get a little too heated for my own good.
I'm really trying to stay calm because you say you understand but I think you said that to keep me calm, I don't think it's the truth.





Okay, so even if it does hurt us. I will always be here for you and love you just like I was for the two years before.