I wear a mask on my face. During the night my eyes glisten through holes. The trees sway and the leaves rustle creating a theme song made for the restless nights. Animals roam throught bushes coming out to the still air and light from the moon. The sun has gone to sleep but the earth still turns and i am still wearing my mask. It is not time to show the world my real self. I will let the days pass until the wind whistles a certain tune and off it will be. Gone into the vast abyss that the night sky creates. I look up and still under the plaster my mind floats above my head creating a deep dark black hole full of mysteries and unanswered questions. I walk to the corner of the forest sitting still on the floor. I write stories on the blank slates in my head. When i am done i close my eyes and create pictures. The pictures are descriptive and slow. They are painted in colors not known here. And ehen these pictures are finished. I get up walk back home and i fall asleep as the sun rises. My mind falls back into its place and when i awake i hope to hear that whistle coming my way .

no words to explain.

put a band-aid on it!

AWESOME day with roxanne.
I've missed the fun we've had sooo much. Finally getting to see her and hanging out with her topped the summer off, no doubt.

Got picked up then we headed to the mall. Bought a jacket for her and then I had! to get myself an icee. It was hot, plus I can't leave the mall without stopping at Mrs. Field's for an Icee. The medium size looked alot smaller from far away. When I got it it was just way too big. We headed to a kiosk to buy some fake ray bans that were yellow for her brother. Too cute.
After being at the mall for less than an hour and becoming extremely bored we decided to go on a hunt for a yogurtland. I've never been to a yogurtland but man, is it life changing!
I walk in and i see different icecream machines everywhere with toppings galore. i still had my icee so I didnt wanna throw it away and buy yogurt. Roxanne bought some and we sat in the car wondering where we should head next.
After driving and spontaneously picking random streets we end up on foothill heading towards Old Town Pasadena. Roxanne was telling me about this hat store that had a hilarious name so we decided it was a must to pass by and laugh.

Hat
Men Women Boy

We were cracking up so hard. They have hats for men, women, and just one for a boy. We drove on and ended parking right in the middle of Old town Pasadena. We headed to Urban Outfitters. Cute clothes galore but soo expenside. I NEED A JOBBBB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! someone hire me :] anyway after window shopping we went to forever 21. bought the cutest flower earrings. I had five dollars to spend, low key.
Finally last but not least we decided to start a tradition.
EVERY SUMMER TAKE PICTURES AT THE APPLE STORE.
we did it last year, we decided to do it again this year.
took a bunch. had a couple laughs. made fun of the ugly ones. sang to cute without the e and uploaded them.

On the ride home we talked about everything. The people who annoy us. The people who piss us off. The people who make us happy. And how in the hell did things happen the way they did?

I had such a good day. I missed her too much.


Three more days till summer ends and on the day before school starts im spending it with the best. Best way to top off everything.

writing obsession

A bad one at that.





Cute little octopus, with his friends. He doesn't look quite lonely.







I woke up in the dim light from the censored sun. I'm dieing in this heat. I've been waiting for winter to come around. I want the cold water to hit my back and make my hair frizz back up. I want to walk home and realize that I'm the luckiest girl in the world when I lay in bed at night, just because I have these blankets to keep me warm and happy.
As I lay there I hear kids screaming, running up and down the hallway, slamming doors and throwing foreign objects at eachother. I want to be back asleep. Safe and content. Happy and dreaming but this has all faded away along with the morning sun. The sun is finally sinking behind my curtains, and I'm missing it every moment it gets farther from me and the moon gets closer. I have to learn to be friends with this spirit. I have to talk with it and dream with it. It comforts me at times, why can I not comfort it when it's in need of me? I don't know.
My thoughts start back up. Oh here we go again. I find us incompatible. We are no longer one. We are no longer happy. We are no longer content. Ah, the horrid thoughts of a afternoon nap. Me and you must befriend each other once again.
I lay there once again rethinking my thoughts. Will I have time to make things possible? Or will I have to slowly let them pass me? Will you help along the way? Or will you just sit and watch with me. Watch it fail and fall along with the sun every afternoon. It will be our last laugh. our last joy of the summer.
I smile, silly girl, you are no longer who you thought you were. You are grown up. You are a new breed. Take my hand and we will watch as the flowers grow and the rain falls. It will all be the same at the end of the day.

baby im gunna stay like this forever

I want one of my own. My own personal totoro. He'll be my best friend and make me happy when I'm sad.



I want to be him. Let's go on an adventure. Tie ourselves to a couple birds and fly off into the sky. Happy and in love. singing...
EVERYBODY WAKE UP! ITS TIME TO GET DOWN!





New favorite movie. All thanks to the best. He's got me hooked. Not only to this movie but on him ;]





I feel like something is changing inside me. The moon has traded places with the sun. The sun has traded places with the moon. We are living in darkness during the day. We are living in light during the night. Am i growing up? Am I changing? I'm becoming the person I never wished to be. I'm losing the race because my mind has decided to change routes. I am running backwards now. I am running towards the start up line. The finish line is becoming only a mirage to my mind. Something so far away and unreal. It haunts me. Like ghosts with unfinished business. What business do I need to tend to, to get where I want to be. I'm pushing everyone away. I need more time to myself. More time to draw. More time to think. I need it all. But I know I'll be back. I'm slowly starting to rotate towards the finish line. I'm starting to get my pace back up. It'll all be fine soon. I am now sitting here with a smile on my face. The breeze flowing through my hair. I smell of strawberries. The day has become one with me. Today is the day that I change back to who I am. The real me. No more holding back.


Welcome home Allyson.






In a hilly country, there once lived an old woman with two grandchildren, a boy and a girl. One day she went to a rich neighbour to lend a hand, in return for which she got a few millet pancakes. Thinking of her hungry children waiting for her, she hurried home, carrying the cakes on her head. Now there were a series of small hills between the rich man's house and hers. When she got over the first hill, she found a large tiger squatting in her way, who challenged her, saying, "Granny, what are you carrying on your head?"
"A few pancakes for my grandchildren."
"If you give me one of them, I won't harm you."
Thereupon the old woman gave a pancake away. When she hurried over the second hill, she was challenged by the same tiger who had cunningly come before her by another route, but whom the dim-eyed old woman took for another.
"What is it that you carry on your head?"
"A few pancakes for my grandchildren."
"If you give me one of them, I won't eat you."
So the second cake was gone. The same thing repeated itself till there was no cake left. Still another hill surmounted, the old woman again came upon the pitiless animal.
"Granny, what are those things that are dangling at your sides?"
"What have I got but my poor arms?"
"If you give me one of them, I won't eat you."
The poor old woman had to let the tiger have her right arm and soon her left one, too. At the foot of still another hill, the tiger asked, "Granny, what are those things that are moving alternately under you?"
"They are my poor legs. Your friends have taken everything else from me."
"Give me one of them, and I will spare your life."
"How can I go home with only one leg, O tiger?"
"You could by hopping."
The old woman allowed the beast to take her right leg. Over one more hill, the waiting beast again challenged her, "What is it that you are hopping with?" "My poor left leg," answered the woman. "Give it me," growled he, "or I will devour you." "O merciless tiger!" said the woman rather angrily this time, "how could you ask for the only leg left me? I would never reach home and see my dear children."
"Why, of course, you could do so by rolling." So saying, the tiger ate up her remaining leg. When she rolled over the last hill, the insatiable beast was already there. "Granny," he challenged, "what have you got to give me in return for sparing your life?" "Nothing whatever!" screeched the dying woman. Whereupon the tiger devoured what was left of her.
Now the tiger was too rapacious an animal to let the two children alone, who, he understood, were awaiting the return of the old woman. He disguised himself in his victim's clothes, and came to the cottage to ask for admittance. Remembering the words, however, their grandmother had said before her going about the dangers of tigers, the children prevented the door from opening by hanging on to the handle-string.
"Are you really our grandma? There's something strange about your voice."
"I have been drying barley all day and shouting birds away all the time has made me hoarse."
"Then, grandma, put in your hand that we may make sure. Why is it not so smooth as it used to be? And all covered with hair, too!"
"I felt cold and put on a pair of fur gloves."
The elder of the two children peeped out of a hole in the door, and saw who it really was that wanted to be let in. The frightened brother and sister slipped through the back door and climbed a tree that stood by a well. The tiger suspected their escape by reason of the silence, and broke through the door. Finding the room empty, he threw away his mask, and, howling his anger out, rummaged for the missing children. At length, he came to the well and noticed the reflection of the children in the water.
"What shall I use to draw you up, children, a bucket or a basket?" the tiger half asked himself bewildered. At this, the children up in the tree could not help going into peals of laughter. The tiger looked up and gave a triumphant howl.
"Children, how did you get up there so high?" asked he. "We did so," replied they, "after smearing the trunk of the tree with sesame oil we borrowed from our front neighbour." The tiger tried sesame oil, but it made it all the more slippery. He made up his mind to try and see what guile could do.
"You are really wonderful children," said the tiger flatteringly, "to have climbed the tree unaided. Tell me, sweet children, how you performed such a feat." This praise diverted the minds of the innocent children from their imminent peril, causing them to be thoughtless enough to make a fatal slip.
"We borrowed an axe from our back neighbour," said they, "and chopped into the trunk so as to afford easy footholds." The tiger, getting an axe, began to make notches on the tree trunk. The children saw at once what they had done to their own undoing. Stretching out their tiny hands toward Heaven, they began praying, "O Heavenly Lord, send help and save us two souls! Let down a strong chain, if you are pleased to save us, and send us a rotten straw rope, if you mean to forsake us." Presently a chain came down, to their joy, and took them up.
The cunning beast thought that he was sure to be forsaken by God, and likewise prayed. "Heavenly Lord, if you mean to help me, send me a rotten straw rope; if you want to forsake me, send me a chain." His prayer was also answered by the all-helpfull Lord, and accordingly a straw rope appeared, which snapped half way up. The tiger fell lifeless upon a millet field. Millet stalks pierced through his body and were stained by his blood, which accounts, it is held by some even to this day, for the scarlet spots on them.
When the children were taken to Heaven, they were summoned before the Heavenly Lord, whose solemn voice was heard to say, "No one in Heaven eats without working. You too shall also, therefore , be employed in honest labour. You brother shall shine by day, and you sister shall shine by night." The sister, however, pleaded for being made the sun herself, as she was sorely afraid of the night. So she was allowed to take her brother's place, but, as she hated being gazed at by idle people, while moving about in the daytime, she contrived to pour out such strong light as to dazzle their eyes.




-The origin of the sun and moon (Korean Folk Tale)

feeling what? this.

falling out of love with you...




but falling in love with this.




the tokey tones.








Sept. 20. Some how make it to go to see the Microphones that sunday. Hopefully i can, because I will be miserable that day if I dont.



October 1, or 2, make plans to take best to get his surprise. Somehow. Some way I'm going to make it happen.

Hopefully it'll make up for all this bull shiz that i've been putting him through.





The thunder clouds broke up
The rain dried up
The lightning let up
The clacking shutters just shut up

There's no black or white
No change in the light
No night, no golden sun
The sound of cars, the smell of bars
The awful feeling of electric heat
Under fluorescent lights, they sacrifice
There's hard feelings, there's pointless waste

I want wind
To blow

My clothes off me, sweep me off my feet
Take me out, don't bring me back
Oh, where I can see days passed by me
I have no head to hold in grief
But there's no hope for me, I've been set free
There's no breeze, there's no ship on my sea

this

And so by seeing this picture it intrigued me. It sparked my greatest interest. Upon looking at it, it seems as though the two mysterious people are exchanging secrets. The sun is bright in the sky but the world around them is silent and filled with dark things, happy things, and the unknown. I wish to be here. Whether it be sitting next to these people or it be the person taking the photo. This photo holds so many words and ideas. I will forever look at this and wonder what they must be saying. Is it bad? Is it good? Are they becoming lovers? Are they becoming friends? Who are we to know? The picture is here for us to look at and cherish. But this picture is for them to hold memories of this special day when they fooled the minds of many people who looked upon it. I wonder if they knew that it would have this type of affect on anyone? Probably not. Maybe so. But, I know that they knew that at this exact moment it was a moment that needed to be recorded.

psychic

Today has been a very weird day. I needed to talk about it. Actually the past couple days put together have been weird.

I'm not sure where to begin. Let's begin with the title of this blog, "Psychic."
Lately my family, my cousins more or less, have been visiting one. I personally would be too scared to go through any of these type of things but the things i have been hearing from about two days ago have spooked me just a bit. I want to be surprised about my future and keep my past to myself. But, there are things that some people need to know....

This is where cheating comes in.

Physical Cheating: Kissing, fooling around, doing anything physical with a boy/girl other than your significant other

Mental Cheating: Texting, calling, internet chatting in a flirtacious manner with a boy/girl other than your significant other


These two go together very well in my story, don't worry, you won't lose interest.


So these two have come together like puzzle pieces. Jack has been finding out about someone cheating on her and what she has to do to make the relationship work. The crazy thing is, the night before her reading she was explaining both these things to me.(physical/mental) We had a serious talk about both these things because she has been worried about it. I must say I did shed a few tears with her because the feelings were being brought of what I went through.

Well, the next thing is today while sitting in the doctors office for hours, a tyra banks show came on. By the way, love the show. ;]
Anywho, on this show there were two psychics talking to couples and the couples wanted to know if their significant others were cheating on them. But then all of a sudden they brought up physical and mental cheating.



I found this very puzzling. I felt like I was going through deja vu.

Didn't I just have this conversation with Jack?
Didn't we just discuss physical and mental?
What was going on?


The weather is quite odd today too. Beautiful yet odd.


I'm wondering why these past couple of days have been linked together. Nothing like this has ever happened. But the thought that Jack is going through what I went through breaks my heart. I remember the feeling. I remember the tears. I remember the time alone thinking, "what had i done wrong?"

I don't worry about this anymore. Not one bit. This person is more than I could ever ask for. But to think someone else whom I love has to, kills me.



So do I tell her how these days have been connected or do I let her do her own thing with her new information?



hmmmmmm......


Anyway, today I just wanna sleep. I want to wake up to a brand new tomorrow where I'll be putting on something special just for my day of watching movies with the best.
Next week is going to be bowling with the family and the best, can't get any better.
New school year is getting to me, its scaring me.
They say it doesn't kick in till about december but no, its kicking in now and it hasn't even started.
What will I do?
Where will i go?
How will I get by?


Too many questions.









Nothing to do with anything but I liked these pictures. Maybe you will too.

hard working days

Listening to Duck typing and loving every second of today.

My feet hurt from the long walk but it was well worth it all. bring on tomorrow and give me something to talk about.

Summerstorms

Look at her. Look her in her eyes. Those green bright eyes that yearn for adventure. Shes a mastermind and your her support. You never tell her the impossible. You lend her a hand. You help her up the steps. Shes fragile in a strong way. Your so deep in that you ignore every one else around you. You lie and say that everythings fine but everything is so much more. She hides her flaws under a spotlight. She calls for attention and you pick up the phone everytime.

I can hear your conversation, "i miss you." and you reply with, "i miss you too when will i see you again? Do you think you can come here and spend a day with me?" she has a smile on her face. Ofcourse.


You turn down the lights and you let the music take you away. You cant sleep you cant dream. You just want her by your side after so long. Its bittersweet. You wont let her go.

I dance into the music of the night imagining your mind wandering through its deepest thoughts. I twirl and see your eyes sparkle when you find her at your door. I dip and hear you try to fit your words precisely in the correct order while you guys talk. I bow when I am finished and feel your lips touch her. I slowly fade away into the background when you ask to see her again.


They all lively happily ever after. So do i. I dance, I write, and I find myself roaming my thoughts for some kind of brilliant idea to make you answer your phone. Maybe ill get your attention just once more.

Do you see all that they have in common? Do you really see it? Have your eyes tricked or have I set up a photo base where you can see what they all deliver to your mind?

I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like listening to everyone around me. I tell them over and over again it will never happen but more and more I see myself doubting you.




My world is distorted.

its been a long time coming, literally

Today, was long and tiring. I'm starving and tired. I have been waking up too early for the past couple of days. I need my rest. I think I deserve it.

Registration turned out meh. I got the classes I needed but not the ones i wanted. Me and the best were looking forward to my art class so much, but I guess me being scheduled at 1:30 didn't help the situation. At least I am Mr. Espinozas TA. So i know this will definitely be a fun year. So many "smart" classes. Hope I can keep up. haha.

Today, was surely an adventure. Waking up to my best friend sitting in the living room with my mom to getting my ID in a matter of seconds. Then it was off the pasadena to hit up Out of the Closet. Not many things fit me there. Actually nothing fit me there. But, when it came to the books and records, i was in heaven. I was lost for about half an hour looking at almost every book and reading all the summaries with careful eyes so that I knew I was getting the ones that will take me away to another world.

Distortions by Ann Beattie
The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit by Sloan Wilson
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey (read this before but i wanna return my gmas and have one of my own, too much of a good book)

Going to get started on them as soon as possible.

I feel like a good person. Today, I was asked for help, and I'm going to give it. I'm going to help Mikey look for a job, and with the connections that I have with certain places and the people who work there, he might have a chance. Going to guide him on what to put on his apps. and the things they like to hear during an interview. Hopefully, it will be a success. It will make me feel even better, plus its times like these when we can get along just fine.

This whole summer as a whole has been phenomenal. I can't even explain how good its been. Past summer I was worried about this and that or i was too busy being sad over a boy. But no, not this one. This year has been all about friends and the best. Hanging out with siria made it a thousand times better. Last year we drifted but too afraid to lose her again, she comes down the house about three times a week to sit with me and talk about the things we've done and the things we should be doing. But the best has made it all worth while. AH! no words to explain it. Seeing him every week, talking to him on the phone every night. I don't know how this summer would be without him.

I watched Spirited Away yesterday for the first time ever. Hands down one of the best movies I've ever seeennnnnnnnn!!!! I doubted the best at first, I wasn't too sure if I'd be into it but my eyes were peeled to the screen the whole entire time.

Hopefully saturday I get to see him again so we can watch more good movies, laugh more, talk more, and sleep more. He's all I need to make a good day even better.



I hope tonight I take a nice walk to Quicklys and get some thai tea. I could sure go for some and the nice walk. it'll be cool and plus I havent had that stuff in a while. All is well.

At this moment in time I am in a super natural daze. Whirlpools of colors are floating around me traveling at unexplainable speeds. I am not scared. I am home. I find comfort in this weakness of my mind. The challenges and hardships of the world are gone. I am on my own for now. But this does not frighten me. My fear has always been of being alone but these fields of colors falling from every mountain and overflowing every river does something to me that noone has the power to posess. Nothing falls short here. Unexplainable and the unimaginable are the everyday life. You must never fall short. Im laying in a field full of blue skies and green grass. I look at the clouds and see nothing but the unknown. The unknown is at this moment my friend. In this sacred world we are not afraid of eachother. We are both at peace. No answers solved. No questions asked. my head is filled with ideas only conceivable here. When i snap back to reality I am only a silly philosopher but here I am an inventor of my own imagination. I never doubt. Birds fly by and they never fly south. They just roam the fields and live in the trees living off the beauty. When it rains they never leave, they watch. They become part of the world. They create the atmosphere. Noone hides from the rain. Noone dislikes it. We draw ourselves with tiny droplets on cement creating masterpieces with just our minds. Im constantly trying to find myself here but everytime i wish it never happens. It comes to me. It chooses the right time and place when to take me away to overwhelming beauty and breath taking doses of imagination. I must leave now. It is time to go home. It is time to live my life, it says. And i only bid it farewell and wish to visit soon. Goodnight.

Ha. So i'm texting anthony. He is one of the very few people that i enjoy talking to through text. I have this weird annoyance with people texting me, even though when I don't have a phone, I complain at times and then I realize how happy I am without it. Except for when I'm in serious need of a phone call from mister macksalot, which is practically every night. As, I was saying! We are talking and I finally realize how amazing school is going to be. I'm getting the things I need, to be something in the future plus, I'm taking fun and exciting classes. UGH, i cant wait for art class. I hope we get to use pastels, and I hope this is not an easy A class. I want a challenge. Challenges are what I live for now. They are what I see in everything I do, from a day to day basis.

New friends maybe? New teachers? Old teachers, definitely. I'm so excited to be Mr. Espinoza's TA. Can you say, amazing taste in music? We can talk about music for hours and still be totally intrigued by the new stuff we find. I remember one time I received a demo in the mail from a band and the moment i got it, I marked down on my agenda: LET MR. ESPINOZA BORROW IT! and when he did listen to it, he liked it. Awesome. I hope i meet more teachers like this in years to come. So open minded and willing to speak the truth.

I'm currently downloading some music that was shown to me by mister macksalot and the first time I heard it i thought, "it gives me a feeling of warmth. Like your in a dream just relaxing laying down and so...sooo...soooo...chill?" I don't have good words to describe how certain music makes me feel but this time there was definitely a spark. I'm waiting for it to finish so that when I transfer it into my ipod I can play it while I'm in the shower. So good.

Today was magnificent. For the first time ever, I took a nap in a closet. A closet. Yes, I said a closet. A bit uncomfortable from a neck ache when i woke up but the whole time I was asleep I was floating on clouds. Especially having him next to me. We are such kids. We're cute too. No i'm not being conceded. Okay maybe I am just a bit but it's because thats how good I feel about him. We can nap together while holding hands and we can stick hairs up eachothers noses for fun, and be completely entertained the whole time. My visit first started off with a series of incorrect high fives. We needed the perfect one. Palm to palm. Fingers to fingers. Thumbs to thumbs. Hand in hand. After about 10 tries we finally got it and you better believe that our hands were uber red. (i love the word uber) i was half asleep and he was determined. We make a great team, we really do. Sometimes I doubt myself thinking, will i ever make him completely happy but when I'm with him he never seizes to show me that I do. At the end of my visit I was told to close my eyes, afraid that I'd get pushed into something or just given something creepy, I hesitated. He asked please and I said okay. I covered my eyes. I hear drawers open and I know hes not kidding around. He asks for my hands and my eyes to still be shut. I hold out my hands and I feel a tiny container placed in my palms. he says open. As soon as I open them there is a container of playdough in front of me. (i absolutely adore playdough, and he knows this) and i open it and the playdough is rock solid. I look up and I can't take the smile off my face for the life of me. We both say, "its the thought that counts" at the same time and the whole time I'm walking to the car I'm smiling and all giggly. He makes me so happy.

As I'm sitting here typing this all out, my brother comes along and pulls some grapes out of the fridge but this is not what im intrigued by. I'm interested in the song he's singing. I don't know where its from or if he made it up but its catchy and I wanna learn it. I really do. It goes a little something like this:
"i can write my name, I can read a book..."
the rest is all gibberish. Or so i can hear? Im sure they are words but I cant understand between his lisp and his growing speech. I think I'm going to ask him to teach me the song, I wanna sing along with him. He'll keep me young. I know it.

ah the music has finally finished downloading. I'm off to my shower and some episodes of the nanny and that 70s show. goodnight.

short story.

when did you plan on telling me?


I saw the look in your eyes and I felt your admiration. You tell lies and say it's all just a physical attraction and all you have in your heart is lust, but I know with the look you gave me, that it was more than that.

You were nervous, you followed behind me from a safe distance, and you stared. You weren't afraid of me catching you. You wanted my attention. You wanted the eye contact. You wanted to read me like I read you. But it was interrupted by voices, by looks, and by everyone's presence. I seen you look me up and down checking to see if I was me. Maybe i had become some significant symbol in the world or I was just a girl with a life and had nothing but solid respect for everything around her.

I wanted your time. You wanted mine. But it wasn't possible. I feel you staring from the room over and I want to go to you but with everyone around it makes me shake. It makes me nervous. I don't want them to see my weakness. I don't want them to see who I really am, the person I know you see when you stare. They give me the suspicious eye and I smile because I know they are thinking what I'm thinking. Someone calls out your name and my stomach turns, I don't want you to see me blush, I dont want you to see me falling a little every time I catch you looking. Your solid stare becomes the thing I admire most and I feel like I never want to leave because your eyes hold me in a place that feels like home.

We take a walk outside and everyone follows. I know they see me staring now. I know they see you staring as well. But we don't care. We've lost sight of the things around us. I've lost belief in everything that's happened. You keep looking me up and down and it seems as though you are trying to find something. I can't quite picture what it is, but I know its making you crazy. I stare deep into your eyes and I know I'm seeing what I want to see, you finally accepting everything I am and everything I do. I look down, trying to balance the contact with everyone else around me. You look down to, you don't want them to know your interested. You don't want them to see your love for me. Your reputation has become a big part of your life. You slowly look up and I do the same, our eyes meet once again and it feels like my stomach is about to fall out of my mouth. Someone decides to take a walk because the heat grows thicker and thicker with every waking moment. I don't want to leave your sight. Everyone starts leaving and I slow my pace. You stare at me and still sit there looking to see if I will stay with you. I open my hand and you grab it. For the quick five seconds the earth moves and I can feel it. I am not spinning, I am in a daze. Everyone sees us walking slower and slower so they catch up to us and start having fun, making us the life of the party.

You sit again and I want to be alone with you. I want everyone to fall away into the background and just sit with you and hold your hand. You would never let me though. You have a reputation to uphold. So i stand around and i follow everyones actions, I find myself talking and leaving you in the distance. You suddenly lose interest with everyone, even myself.

I try convincing some of them to walk away, to go somewhere else, some where, where it would be alot more fun. But they don't want to. They want me around. They want you around. I can't stand it anymore. I join the fun and leave you by yourself.

Every once in a while I peek to see if your still staring but you stay there looking down and I lose hope...

The party ends and your still sitting there looking down. I want to be with you for the last few seconds. I want to be with you before I leave. Noone wants to let me go. You get up, and as I start walking away, you wave. You wave, with a small smirk on your face, knowing I would never be able to keep up with the games you play. I keep walking and I stop.


I can't let you go, not like this.


Everyone keeps on walking to their cars and I run to you. Almost too eager. I give you the biggest hug. You don't let go. I wrap my arms around your waist, and your arms are gently placed around my neck. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I couldn't believe I'd actually gain the strength.

I whisper, "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you. This isn't the time or place to do it. There are too many people. I wish we had time to ourselves. Do you think that would be possible?" You look at me and smile. We are still hugging, not losing grip at all. "I think that's possible." I let go but your still holding onto me. After about five seconds you let go and I can't help but say, "I'll see you later. Please don't forget to get ahold of me as soon as I get in the car." and you reply with, "I wont."

I walk away and can't help but look back. Your still standing in the same spot, hands in pockets, with the same old stare. I smile and wave.


We choose to meet again...

Lately, I've been writing alot. There is so much to say. I feel like a wind trapped in a wooden box waiting to finally get the strength to break loose. My words represent my strength. But, somehow there is still some words stuck inside me. I have the need to say something, but I don't quite know what it is. It's just stuck. This may be why I keep writing and writing and writing. My words seem so useless right about now. I feel like they don't contain the strength I need to bust out of these morbid, depressing chains. I wanna search inside me for what really wants to be said. A story maybe? A complaint? An apology? I don't know.


Minutes pass by...


I think I have found my answer. I am scared. I'm scared of what may be and what may not be. Am I losing my touch? Are the lights slowly dimming? I lay on my bed wishing I knew the answers to my questions. I feel so hurt by nothing. Am I becoming less of an upbeat person? What is going on... I find myself constantly doubting my capabilities and comparing them to others. It's becoming out of hand. I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not but being myself isn't suiting what once was.


I feel so alive yet so closed in.

I wanna ask you the question. I want to work it into a conversation but Im afraid you will take great defense. It hurts waking up to the same unanswered thoughts. Somehow you always make me forget.


Im not blind. I can see it with my own two eyes. I can feel it in my heart. But I wont let it be, i choose to ignore it. I dont want to acknowledge it, i want you to. But i dont think that will happen. I try to push this thought out of my head with endless reminders of things that were said but in the end its sly body wraps around the end of your words. Im only wishing for truth, not for happiness. Just truth.

dear mama,

Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?




I hate how you think your worth nothing around this house. You mean more to me than anything in this world, and I mean ANYTHING. Ever since the day I was born we have been connected with this invisible string. No matter how far I am from you, the string just gets longer to keep us together. Everytime I used to go away I knew that inside your heart you were worried to death that I wouldnt come back home. And I'd cry in the back seat under my pillow because I had already missed you more than home. We had this period in time where we never got along. I was off being young and "in love" and you wanted me to becareful but I'd brush you off and go talk on the phone. We would fight over the times I'd cry and the times I would be mistreated and I'd say it was a usual relationship and you would say it was never meant to be. But as soon as he left, you were there. You were there to hold my hand, you were there when I was sick of it all. I'd scream and cry in my room begging for something to hold onto, and you would sit with me telling me everything was real and that's why it was so hard to hold onto anything. Everything real slips from our fingers. But when the one things that seems too real to be true, almost fake, it becomes the easiest thing to hold onto. You wake up every morning to make sure I'm up, you support me even when I make the biggest mistakes because you went through everything I went through. You cook every night, you clean, you try your hardest to make me and all the rest of us happy. I know I don't show you how much I love you sometimes, I know i argue back when I'm in the worst of moods but I will never ever ever ever ever underappreciate you. Your more than anything I could ever ask for. The moment your gone, I'm lost. My mother is always going to be my best friend. Always and forever. People may underestimate your strength and your intelligence but I know you. I know you better than anyone else. And i know that no matter what is going on, I'm here to support you. Even if its your fault, even if it was your doing, I'm here because even when you do something wrong that never changes how you love and care for us. I tell you everything. From the moment I wake up to the moment i fall asleep. I tell you about the people I have crushes on, my past, my future, my friends, what I hear, I tell you all my chisme too. Its incredible to have such a strong bond with my mother. I feel like the damn gilmore girls.



Noone will ever take your place in my heart. noone. You will always be the most important to me, and I would give up anything to make you happy.





I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I'm hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

"your way better than that."
"you think so?"
"i know so."
"is that why you wanted to be my lover?"
"well. duh. you have nothing to worry about. your like an upgrade!"
"so if i was ugly youd still give me what ever i wanted?!"
"i doubt that, but yes if you were I told you I'd always be down for anything for you. and still love you."


Ah this made me laugh so hard when he told her that. Kids these days!
I love being one as well.
today seems so layed back.
i watched an amazing movie. Mar Adentro

Such a beautiful movie in every shape and form.


I will not spill any details, you just have to watch for yourself. I'm not going to lie, I actually cried. But it was worth it. Ah, it moved me so much.


Other than that today has been somewhat calming. Planning a trip on tuesday to Duarte to visit Marble with Sid. Should be fun. Scary, but fun. Thursday is my trip around LA with chris and that should be even better. This up coming week should be too exciting. Last but definitely not least, monday and saturday are going to be spent with the person who puts the biggest smile on my face. Those are going to be the best days.



Something inside me is wishing I could catch this problem in action. Even though I know what type of person you are, I know you like the back of my hand, I feel like someday all that is going to turn to ashes and blow away in the mourning wind. I know I'll feel less like myself and betrayed, but as long as what I think is confirmed I know my senses havent been drowned. I know that the blinking lights in front of me weren't wired wrong and they were guiding me to nowhere. But if they are wrong I'll know deep inside whats best is best. It is what it is. Lo-key. Hahaha that didnt fit in here in any shape or form but it was highly necessary. Hopefully, Im crossing my fingers, and legs, and hands, and arms, that I'm wrong. Please tell me I'm wrong.








I love writing about nothing, but I know once that nothing turns into something I know that these feelings were exactly what I decided to write out. The birds will call in the morning sun and I will wake up reading my feelings voiced through words. My words can be so lifeless sometimes. Maybe I don't want to feel the passion that I write. It's too depressing. To feel the way I think people feel in certain situations is starting to make my stomach hurt. Ah. If only things were black and white. But then Id have nothing interesting to write about, or to even think about for that matter. I'm just confusing myself in my own thoughts.





hm.....

i hate how your always there for me. No, actually i dont hate it. I wish you cared a tiny bit more. But then that would make things messed up for both of us. I like you better as a friend. your more upbeat and sarcastic. And now that we're friends I have the chance to tell you whatever i feel like saying. i dont have to worry about you being mad that i dont agree with your "ideas" and you hanging up because now i can do just the same. Your telling me what to do in my situation right now and I find it comforting but in the end are you really helping me? How come we can't be friends? How come we can't just sit down and talk without having to yell at eachother or it turning into an awkward silence. This is really bothering me. We can go to eachother about our problems but when it comes to anything other than that, we never get along. Maybe we'll grow into it but for now I'll sit and wait for you to reply to any messages I send you with the love of a friend and only a friend. been friends for 4 years been enemies for even less but no matter what we always have a chance to talk about any messed up things going on. Im content with our friendship. Dont change it now!



I constantly find myself looking for a new adventure. A place to go. People to see. Thoughts to rethink. But I can never act upon these thoughts. They are too weak. They have not grown into their full potential. I wish I could see what they will grow into. Beautiful days full of nothing but smiles.
Chris and i should be going on adventure soon. It makes my stomach hurt because its going to be so much fun. Off the HEEEZZYYYY!!! One bus ticket for the whole day, traveling all around los angeles.
china town.
the alleys.
santa monica.
hollywood.
venice.
ahHHHH!!! im getting excited just thinking about it. I'm glad I have a friend that knows how to take the bus. Now i just need to save money. So if we stop at a cute gift shop i can buy a souvenir representing every place we go. A pencil? a toy bird? I dont know, who knows? All i know is that this day is going to be unimaginable. I just need to hurry chris up and set our day. hopefully by next week we get this shiiizzz on track.


I feel like walking into a record store with about fifty bucks and saying, "give me the best!" AH! thats been my dream lately. I wish i could buy myself a record player. My grandma has one but I'm afraid to ask to use it. What if it hasnt been used? What if its broken? I dont wanna be dissapointed. They would be lovely collectables but I wanna put my vinyls to use. I didn't buy them to look cool I bought them to show myself that i can appreciate music in any shape or form. But until then I shall come on the computer and listen to what i gots tah listen to. ya get me dah?


I miss my friends and school. I wanna go back already. All this free time is making me rethink my actions and I dont like it one bit. Its too much time for a young girl. This school year should be off the heezzzzy, no doubt! ugh its giving me the willies just thinking about how awesome its going to be. Nothing but the last year of high school to cheer me up. College here i come. Journalism welcome me into your arms.





Look its me in the future getting married. No but really, I'm so eager to see this movie. just seeing the previews makes me smile. I hope it doesnt turn into a bust when everyone watches it. Itll be so dissapointing.

I'm sitting on my bed. My body is completely tired but mentally im not. Im on the phone with daniel and he's telling me about half baked and im half interested and half wandering off into space. I call this selective hearing. Sometimes i wonder why with only certain people i can actually have a conversation with on the phone. Ive lost interest in actually having conversations on the phone. I dont know why this has become? Maybe because ive lost interest in people having to listen to me. My conversations have slowly become less and less interesting. I always catch myself saying, "mmmmmm" or, "okayyy." ive lost interest in myself, my life runs through the same old routine. Oh well, i guess its time for some new adventures.

I find your eyes wandering. I know what your thinking. I know your looking to see when she'll pass by. You read every word with the fullest attention you could ever give. She mentions your name, you smile. She talks to you, your sitting at the edge of your seat. She invites you places, you never turn her down. I couldnt blame you. She's different. She talks with the greatest tongue and her individuality sticks out like a sore thumb. At times, shes too different but this doesnt bother you. It only intrigues you more. It only makes you wish she was present more. Everyone is stunned by her presence, not just you. I feel your pulse racing, your no good at hiding it. I feel you slowly drifting, its only a matter of time. The sun will set and it will be a new day for all of us. We will all start off new and she will be back again. It will almost be like rereading your favorite book. But, will you once again be dissapointed by the horrible plot and bad ending? What made it your favorite in the first place? What drove the urge that let your eyes drift over the sacred words once again. But all at once you open your eyes, finding the answers to your questions and i am once again finding your eyes wandering the crowd looking for her all over again.




Oh well. This is how it always begins.

I am in unbearable pain. Ok, ok, calm down Allyson, its bearable. Alright, you caught me, its bearable but I'm sick of getting no sleep at all because of the uncomfortable-ness. Today is the day we see what the big problem is. Today I take a small trip to Hollywood for necessary purposes. I'm just waiting to see what secrets are hidden in the streets of downtown LA. Later on going to the best's house. Finally. Seems like I haven't seen him in forever.


My visit will be full of laughter, naps, dancing, singing, tickling, stories, and so much more. But that's everyday when you put us two together.


I'm happy this summer is turning out more epic than it was supposed to be. No lie. BEST SUMMER EVER!


HA. i always used to be jealous of the fundamental activities other acquaintences would embark on, but no, not this year! THIS YEAR, its my turn.


Next year will be almost as good too. Well at least I'm hoping. Road trip! Camping! Fun exciting places. Such and such. Ha! I think im going to start using that more often. "Such and such."

I honestly should be getting ready but I think I'm too excited for the places I'm going today. Hollywood shouldn't be an exciting event because I'll be uncomfortable the whole trip BUT oh well. It is what it is. LO-KEY! hahaha.


my hair is a fro and the no make up on my face feels good, its all smooth and non-sweaty. But this all has to change because I'll look like a dead beat on the street looking for something to eat with nothing but a pocket of beats. OHHHH SIIIIIICK! hahaha.



Never let the sisters bring you down. Seriously. Cause if you do, you won't have smile on your face like I do. I'm not letting her bring me down. Oh no, not this time.