Tomorrow I leave to Arizona with my diary and a camera in hand.


I will document from the moment i wake up, tomorrow morning, to the moment I get home.


It's going to be a blast.
I sure hope it will be.

I'm in a world of dreams with bells ringing and fast beating drums banging against the walls of my ear drums.

I'm constantly searching for a reason to keep my eyes shut. I say it will all turn out good in the end but I find myself more and more tired by the end of each sentence that I don't wish to speak.

When will all the work stop?

the throw up butterfly sensation

I'm thinking about my life ahead of me. Whether it includes someone special or a big future, I honestly don't know.

There are trees surrounding every window of my house. They line my walls like painted pictures. They are uneven and not perfect in any way possible but this is how I like my art. No one ever understands this. But I laugh anyway in the silence.

I hear a synth-like sound playing in a room above the living space. It's soft but loud. It makes me wish I was sitting. I listen and I watch. Things move in front of me and I can never quite catch all of them with my small eyes but I know things are moving. It's part of life. Things will always be moving.

I hear voices in the kitchen but they are quiet enough to know that they obtain the knowledge of my presence here. They know I want peace and quiet at all times of the day. It's quite peculiar that the lights flash here when it rains because I'd expect everything to be still, even when the sun goes down.


I write during the day when my house is empty. I don't know where I live but I know that I live.


Whether you're here with me or you're with someone else, I know that your influence plays a great role in my writing. Let it be detailed and fall slowly in between nouns and subjects and verbs. It's a funny little sentence with your name in it. It's all quite different and picturesque.




So let me live now.

I'm in love.



Not with anyone you think.





But with......Make Wave.

Please understand that everything I say and do has a meaning.
I'm constantly searching for something to uplift me and leave me paralyzed but I miss it by a second.
I always miss it.


School is coming to an end and I know that once I leave I wont be coming back. I won't miss it and it won't miss me. I'm no one special and school had no significant effect on me. It only taught me that some are more mature than others. Is this the real goal of the education system?

I'm still looking for a job. I need funds for the zine and shows and my car. I'm moving away in a month and boxes will be filled with memories and everyday used things. It's incredible how many things I will find once I tear everything apart. It's the opposite of a puzzle. I find everything when it's all in pieces.

My room has a whole wall that is a book case. This excites me but fails to leave me happy. I will soon move away. Two years is not enough. Portland State waits for me. I have been getting so much recognition towards my writing that many people are telling me that Portland will have a significant effect on my writing and my mind. Who knows? Maybe books will fill my bags when I come back home. Maybe notebooks will be filled completely with ideas for my next pieces. Writing is my home away from home. My home will soon be further out from here but still in his arms.

I don't like talking about him because I know everyone knows who he is. He's this guy who someone can mistake to be quiet and shy and simple. He is the most complicated person I have ever met in my life. It feels as if every time we talk I'm trying to untangle a big ball of wire. But every time I pick it up I laugh and I smile and I learn new things, not only about him but about myself and the world around me. It's so cliche to talk about your own boyfriend in a blog and make all these vague poems about him and tell simple stories of your relationship with no names included. I do this at times because I just like the vagueness in some of my stories. The puzzles that I have to create come to life only in my mind and they leave people with their images of my life. He criticizes me more than anyone I have ever met but he encourages me more than all of my friends put together. Today is our one year and it feels like it was just yesterday that I was playing with turtle and I had him tickling me with a buzzer in his hand. It's all so vivid. My shirt. My first words when I had seen him. The way he didn't dare look at me but only stared at the computer. The way I tried to fight the way he'd tickle me until I was sitting on the bed with him. The way our faces met and that was it. He was confused about the way his feelings came rushing to him the first time we kissed. I remember everything. Almost everything.






I have to do an arrangement of a piano piece that I received in an email today for my Music AP class. This is interesting. I added a new singer and I'm working in my own piano accompaniment. It's all so difficult. Hello to my new arrangement of Ode To Divorce.


I have only about a week or two till I get ready to graduate. It came faster than I thought and I will be off to college with him in about a month. Intro to Philosophy. Make me think and rewind my thoughts to a time of enlightenment.

Language Fiend

The magazine is well under way and it makes me fairly happy to know that shit is always getting done.

We are also fairly happy to know that many people want to distribute for us. If only things were that easy. We have to buy the prints but Shelly came to the rescue a couple of days ago. She insisted that I hand her the original hand made copy of the zine to copy and print as many as we need. This is wayyyy too cool because I thought we'd have to keep lagging.


We're hoping to make issue 3 as big as they come. Interviews galore (make wave!!) too syked for that. Bryce from Chalk Talk ended up being in the band so that made it alot easier for us. Plus good music going all around makes us happy.


Lots of reviews from bands who have heard us from either friends or through our myspace. Jesse is especially syked on a few of them but what makes it better is that Remainder asked us to do a review on their new release.

Everything is coming together way too perfectly. Can't wait till the guy in London gets his issues to see what he thinks about this whole DIY project.



Hail. Language Fiend.

fuck searching for you

for the past couple of weeks you've been gone.



i dont think ive talked to you in about two months.


i would have thought you would have contacted me by now.



sometimes this worries me because you have always needed a shoulder to cry on.





maybe you're doing just fine. i sure hope so.




remember the time we saw each other at marbles and you did nothing but stare. we werent friends yet. we couldnt be. it was horrible. i felt like talking to you and asking you how life was and how your girlfriend was but i didnt have the guts. you left and i didnt see you after that until i was leaving. you were nice enough to give me a big hug and say "sorry i didnt talk to you. its not the right time." I knew exactly what you meant. it wasnt. we were too busy fighting over the way things ended up. our values and morals clashed.


i wish we sat down and just made fun of people who walked by the front of my house like we used to when we were friends.

"hey look at that fat girl. HEY FAT GIRL DONT WEAR TIGHT PANTS!"

Now I'm head over heels for a guy that's made me want to be everything that I've ever wanted to be, and he may be the one to make me feel like this for the rest of my life.

I hope you find the same.

the phone is always dead to me

I'm sitting here trying to pretend like I'm okay.


I wanted to stop lying to you and telling you that everything was okay. I don't regret letting you know my insecurities but when I sit by myself and think about things I wonder if maybe saying a couple of words would ruin everything.


I've stopped being the girl who cries whenever a decision is made that I don't like.
I don't keep quiet anymore. I don't feel the need to keep my mouth shut.
I'm stronger and I've learned my lesson.
If I feel uncomfortable about something you ask politely and you make sure that in the end of the conversation I feel like I'm right at home.




Being best friends worked. It worked so well.

I'm being so vague and I know you read through it all. I know you know I'm talking about you. You don't even have to hear me say it. You can read my expressions through a simple "oh" or a "yeah okay". It really is amazing.



I try to think maybe it's just because you're a really great guy, and we'd both agree that nice guys always finish last. But this time around I know it's because you know me so well.




"does he ever get the girl?"
"i got her here with me right now"




As fucken cheesy as we are it's pretty funny.

"wow we're so hesh babe. too punk. totally the best indie couple ever."
"ew shut the fuck up youre disgusting."


That's who we are normally and I know I wouldn't change it for anything.


But then I think if the tables were turned would it be different. Would you have the same insecurities? Would you tell me that you felt weird inside? What would you say?

I'd hope you'd say something.

I dont want to explain because I know I have trust in you. A deep trust that goes beyond being my boyfriend. It's a trust that comes with being my best friend.


let me tell you about my bessstt frieeenndd...




FUCK OFF! YOU PAN!

overwhelming dreams in emotions are

The world was all over the tv screens. From one home to the next. The tv blared the world news. We all were horrified. I, being so young yet so educated, knew every thing they were talking about. The leaders. The Party. The world being one whole Party. It was the most terrifying thing we had ever heard of. We needed to find a way out. So we chose to take as many sleeping pills as possible.

We all walked to the grocery store. We saw the changes happening. It was only a couple of days until everything went grey. We needed to be gone by then. We each bought one capsule and found a way into convincing ourselves that we deserved it. Me, my mother, my grandmother, my grandfather, my aunt and her boyfriend all needed to escape before the world collided. Before we all became one.

We were angry. My grandmother and mother had already bought a pill a couple of days before because they claimed that they knew the possibilities if anyone ever found out that they were finding a way out. They would be captured and they would be helped and kept alive. We were angry silently but deeply.

I swallowed the pill. I became overly drowsy in a matter of seconds. My grandmother held me as we all tried walking back home. She helped me walk so that no one would figure out our plan. We all wanted to be silent and gone.


I walk into my house feeling the need to listen to my brother's conversation with my mom.

"Mom, will you buy it for me when I get back from Arizona?"
"yes i'll try."

I was confused. My heart tore at my insides.

"ma, whatd he ask you?"
"he asked if i can buy him something but i dont even think ill be alive by the time he comes back"

My brother and sisters were staying. They were too young to feel the difference beating through their veins like we would. We were too educated to develop a strong confidence in the new world.

Day by day i was growing more and more tired. One day I would fall asleep and that would be it. I would no longer be apart of the world. I needed to confide in my mother.

"I'm scared. day by day i become more and more tired. I don't know if i made the right choice"

She hugs me tightly, and whispers..."just go to sleep...."



And I awake.

I'm looking at people's faces. They're a bit scary, a bit beautiful. I think about how deeply they feel on certain issues: economics, music, literature, global warming; and I think about how careful we are about one another and how we are careless about ourselves.


The evasive side of you makes me feel happy.

I'd want to post pictures on here and tell you vague stories about my life and/or feelings but then I'd sound like every other girl trying to make a living writing, or looking so cool for their boyfriends or listening to music they'd never listen to in a million years but do it anyway cause the scene manual says so.

I feel that a difference needs to be made in my life. I feel like I'll need the power to move somewhere and be someone.


I'm not too worried about anything else but myself lately. This is what happens when you grow up. You want to be a grown up. I want to live in the woods and the mountains and I want to write poems and stories about the animals and the trees but mostly the wind. We all think we hate you but in the end you're our best friend.


I want to be jealous sometimes but I can't force myself to be. I despise people because in the rule book it says I have to. I fall back a little when you mention names or when you talk about things because I don't want to hear about people. I want to hear about the world. We always have the best conversations when we talk about the world, music, politics, and life. It's the way we work. I try to be jealous and sometimes I want to be because I shouldn't be comfortable but then I realize that I have connections too. Maybe you may be uncomfortable about how often I mention them but it's only because I feel that they have taught me so much, even if they treated me like dirt. We all learn. It's life. get used to it.



I want to write a story about someones life and live it with them in my words.


Let's get an interview with a stranger and I'll tell you my story too.

Me and jesse are best friends, just thought i'd let you know.


this makes me fairly happy inside.




be my boyfriend and best friend. and things will be alright man.

so today i decided to wear my prom shoes. get this, it's not prom. But they were comfortable and everyone knew when i was walking throughout the house because they could hear the tippity tapping of the shoes on the wood paneled floors.

We celebrated logan's birthday and bryana's birthday. I've been cooped up in this room all day. I woke up at 9 and decided to call jesse, which only lasted about 2 minutes, and then went straight to work on studying.


These past couple of days have wore me out tremendously. It's getting ridiculous. I think about the packing I will have to do and all the stress that will be put upon me once I start applying for summer online classes.

SO many good shows coming up this june, july, and august. I think about all the good music that will be heard and all the enjoyable times that will be experienced. It's going to be one of the best summers ever.

One more month of highschool and I'm done.



I need a camera to film these last couple of months. That's it. I'm taking my recorder to school to record these last moments. Maybe ill enter them into the zine. ONly the special conversations of course. My recorder will be my new best friend.



This is going to take some time to get used to.



red hair dont care. (so clever)



remove me from the world remove me from history.
telling time and reading the books of the world
the wind blows and the moon shines but ill still be locked up
ill find my way out soon but it wont be until the sun shines when it is night time.