"The world's largest scientific research facility-- Switzerland's Conseil Europeen pour la Recherche Nucleare (CERN)--recently succeeded in producing the first particles of antimatter. Antimatter is identical to physical matter except that it is composed of particles whose electric charges are opposite to those found in normal matter.
Antimatter is the most powerful energy source known to man. It releases energy with 100 percent efficiency (nuclear fission is 1.5 percent efficient). Antimatter creates no pollution or radiation, and a droplet could power New York for a full day.
There is, however, one catch...
Antimatter is highly unstabble. It ignites when it comes in contact with absolutely anything...even air. A single gram of antimatter contains the energy of a 20-kiloton nuclear bomb--the size of the bomb dropped on Hiroshima.
Until recently antimatter has been created only in very small amounts (a few atoms at a time). But CERN has now broken ground on its new Antiproton Decelerator--an advanced antimatter antimatter production facility that promises to create antimatter in much larger quantities.
One question looms: Will this highly volatile substance save the world, or will it be used to create the most deadly weapon ever made?" - Angels and Demons by Dan Brown














First time I read this I couldn't help but sigh deeply and say, "wow." The technology and the knowledge of man kind these days have become extraordinarily massive. Every single day more and more information leaks out and creates more and more danger for us in the world. Are we really unlocking the mysteries of the universe or are we unlocking an evil that will rest on our conciense for decades to come?

beautiful places/destination 3

Yesterday I went to the arbortetum with the best. It was incredible and amazing. The trails, the flowers, the trees, the birds, every single little thing made the day perfect. Even sitting on a small bench under some shade, overlooking the pond was beautiful. Being there with him and having nature there with us made the day something that was beyond the usual "fun." Getting lost most of the time, the map not helping one bit, made the adventure so much more exciting. The trails led to bamboo tunnels and secret passage ways to other hidden trails. There was so much experience that we're going back a second time to try and finish what we started. We ran under sprinklers on one of the trails to cool ourselves off from the unstoppable heat. We saw peacocks and unsupervised kids try and harm them. But it was all put to a stop thank gosh. We raced up big stairs that were located right next to a water fountain that michael jackson visited, yes THE michael jackson. Secretly, I dont think that was the most interesting part. We found little huts made of branches and carved our names in them. Every part of the day was just a never ending adventure. The place is beautiful in its own way and with both of us laughing and having a good time just made it so much better. The walking, the sweating, the getting all muddy, and wet were worth every moment.


Destination 3:

destination 2.

pictures could only do so much. the beauty that is captured in these photos become overwhelming when captured with the human eye.





7-24-09

There are certain times when I wish you couldn't see me. There are times when I wish she stood by your side. There are times when I wish things were a little easier.


But like at these times, they are hard enough to sit through and watch.


For now, I'll let things be. For now, I'll "go with the flow."


stupid me, stupid you. Oh, all the dreams we could possibly fulfill. Silly us. Can you walk with both your hands tied behind your back and your feet walking in opposite directions? I can. Oh how i am the perfect hands tied behind my back with my feet walking in opposite directions walker. Can you keep up with me? Can you look in to my eyes and tell me that the world will spin on its axis day and night? if you can, I'll be your best friend and tell give you what i have.


My stomach constantly hurts because of you. Because my mind wanders and I wonder when I'll ever lose you in the darkness. My foot will slip off the slippery rock of unconciousness and when I wake up you'll be gone. You'll be there but not walking down the isle of memories and unforgotten pasts. My stomach hurts.


Days are left to pass until I finally have to make the decision. Should i stay or should I go? I said I would stay. I'm staying. You doubt me. I'm staying.














why in the world do i write of things that make sense to noone but me?











ps. the best's butt is MMMMMHHHHMMHHHMM. just like him. :]

7-18

Im watching the lights pass me by in store windows while listening to the summer we went west. The beats, the rhythms, the melodies, all play in my head while im traveling back to a place I call home. I see people trying to make a living, I see people who are living, I see myself in the mirror and see nothing but a girl on the verge of finding something more than herself. Shes finding the secrets of the past, future, and present. The freeway holds a shortcut to our destinations but it will never hold a shortcut to our destinys. The trees are swaying along with the wind and my hair is flying around me creating a blindfold. I think about the people in my life and how they play a part in my life like a minor role in a musical. They are barely noticed but they help create the plot. I see the city lights from above and I know that I am happy.. They flicker and I am reminded of the person who creates a feeling of overwhelming happines in me. Where did you come from? Why are you here? When will you leave? I see the picture in my head of me and you laying together doing nothing but communicating in a language that noone else could understand. The sounds of our words being dressed by our voices, and the movements of our bodies all create a small portion of a big picture. The picture isn't finished, oh no, not yet. I breathe in the air, forgetting about the pollution. I breathe in the air forgetting about our troubles. I breathe in the air and appreciate what the world holds for me. I'm no longer like the rest. I am apart of the people who see beyond our everyday surroundings. Will you call us artists? Will you call us the forgotten? Will you call us real? I am only what I was meant to be. I am allyson and I will no longer be portrayed by your superfluous names and awkward symbols that only play a part in the book of people. Forget me. Forget my past. You will forever live in names and symbols but I wil venture beyond these boundaries. I will create a world far away from yours and history will begin right where we left off. But, we will not be biased, we will be educated. We have stopped but this isn't a miniscule journey. It's funny how my journey plays into yours. Maybe while reading this, I am leading you through another path. Maybe looking at pictures of my family will lead you to my path and we will meet up and learn from eachother. Who knows? I wont die without changing at least one persons path, and neither will you. I'm going to stop now because my thoughts are becoming to intricate and detailed like that of a painting that sits under a museum light. But maybe someday you will be able to pick out every color and stroke. And ill be standing next to you, smiling, ready to guided you to the next painting and holding your hand along the way. Until then I'll let you read whats on my mind, and that will be good enough. It will forever be good enough.

the album is well under way, and I definitely cant wait to be in line to buy it.




oh the beautiful music.

I'm not completely sure whether I wanna cry, stomp, and scream, or be jumping up and down shouting absurd and harsh words at my neighbors a couple doors down. It's official now, I'm leaving. Ah. My heart is beating fast and it's hurting. new things have positive and negative sides. I'm hating it. Alot. I don't even know what to write thats how completely speechless I am about everything thats happening. I have my friends, the boy I adore, and a good education, am i willing to leave them all behind for my own room and a new experience? No. But it isn't my choice. Nope not at all. I'm trying to find the positives to this, I really am. But living up these up coming days till the big move will have to do for now.





It will just have to do?

join me for another night of pure amazingness?

The night sky is glistening tonight. The moon looks fresh and new. I'm sitting on a stool leaning onto a table watching my grandpa sway from side to side singing in spanish, loving everything. It's his special day and I have come to celebrate it with him. I see no troubles in his mind. He dedicates a beautiful spanish song to my grandma. She smiles because she knows even after so many years the love is still in the presence of their marriage. I laugh because everyone around is singing having a good time, and at this moment I wish i knew the words too. I wish I could join along with my relatives and be apart of the family. The guitar is being strummed and the words are flowing out beautifully.

I'm watching the stars carefully. I see planets, I see moons, I see galaxies, I see a whole other universe. I am watching the skies knowing a little bit more that galileo galilei. I am excited and scared, but also breath taken. I wonder if he felt the exact same way. Were you scared? Were you breath taken? I guess I'll never know.

After minutes pass I know that I am no longer thinking about the mysteries above my head. I am thinking about the feeling thats being created in my stomach by some strange force. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster and it just won't end. I keep going higher and higher only to fall all the way to the bottom once again. Where are these feelings coming from? Am i happy? Am i sad? I'm not sure. I Know for a fact that these thoughts werent on galileo's mind when he watched the stars. But people have already solved the problems that he once had no answers to. So I need no answers. Fellow philosophers I need your assistance. My thoughts are being controlled by some overwhelming moral insecurity in me. I don't know where to start. Why am I thinking this way? She says I have every reason to feel this way but it is also my fault for not questioning for not confronting. What do i say? Is that really the problem? Or am I just over thinking everything around me? So many questions.

The stars are still glistening. The moon is still shining, but a slow grey haze is starting to cover it. My stomach ache is getting worst. She knows what she's doing, I know it. She know's what she's getting, I know it. She know's that she's getting it, I know it. I'll sit back and wait till my destiny confronts me and welcomes me into its home. I'll be ready then. I hope. I smile for the bravest of the braves. I'm not perfect. I'm not worthy of such gifts that I behold. But then, what do I really have? What brings them in? I don't act like I know what your talking about. I dont pretend to understand that your different. I just accept it, and move on. So what is it? What is the answer I'm looking for?


I look at the people around me. I search because I'm not content with not knowing the truth. The truth will hurt me? Better hurt than clueless.



I want to dance. i want to dance in front of everyone. I want to scream. I want to scream in front of everyone. I want to smile and laugh in front of everyone. I want to show you that I'm never going to be them. I'm never going to be what you expect me to be. Remember when you read that one person sets the standards for the people you will love for the rest of your life? I remember. I will never fit those standards. His or hers. I don't know if this scares you. It scares me. I am never the person who will set anyones standards. I am the person who you watch the time pass by with. I am the person you go to when your feeling on top of the world. I am the person you go to when your feeling at the bottom of the sea. Tell me about your happiness, tell me about your sorrows. I am only one. But it'll never be the same. I promise it won't be.



Im not sure what im trying to say. Im clueless. This breathtaking moment has lasted but 10 minutes and I have countless words to describe what i felt during those 10 minutes. Why does this always happen? I have so much to say in such little time. Is this bad? Is this good? Im not sure if i care anymore.


I find that i have this craving to hear words that will bring me back for more. I want to read them I want to feel them I want to see them I want to taste them. I want them to be my words. But, when will it ever be that good? Will it ever be?


i look at them. I remember your face. Your awkward face. Looking at me with eyes. With doubtful eyes and I understand, I can read you like a book. i say certain words and I know that memories pass through your head. As you read these words you understand what I say. You smile because I understand you. I fashion some sentence in my head that will sound something like, "Dont worry, I know it's not perfect but I'd never want it to be perfect. I'd just want it to be right, and new." And when you look at me again you'll know that I would never tell a lie. I would never do anything to make you doubt my words ever again. Even though your feelings haven't gone away, you don't feel the need to go. You dont feel the need to make yourself sure. And I'll remember that every time you look at me.


I snap back into place. The words still flowing out of his mouth. The guitar strumming everyone singing along and laughing. I know im back to reality and I think about the people Ive met and the people I wanna know. Im living the life. Maybe not what you would expect "the life" to be but its exactly what I expect it to be. And ill wait till it ends and a new one begins. I laugh and go along with everyones jokes. the stomach ache goes away. Your still here. Every single one of you. And the moon is still glowing. beautiful and bright. I can't wait for the night to end just to hear the words all over again.






"You beautiful girl, I'm sorry for the sorrow I have pushed upon you. But you will never know how much you changed my life and how you brought out the brightness of the moon, the gleam of the sun. You were the gleam in my eye and everytime I feel the sun against my skin and the moon against my soul, I'll know that someone as amazing as you was once in my life. And i thank you."

Young baby

I watched him closely as he played with his hands creating tiny toy guns out of them. I smile as he makes small voices imitating the soldiers on his video games.

"run soldier run! Shoot! Hurry men we dont have alot of time! Ahhhhhhh!"

This little boy is my last connection to innocence. He is all i have to lead me to the world where all seriousness is gone. Politics. Economic issues. School. All of it, gone. I sit in the back of the car still watching him aim at street lamps naming them the "bad guys." i cant help but smile because noone notices his enthusiasm like i do. I see through that tiny little body of his a man thats going to be something great. My eyes get teary. He doesnt complain about anything. He has his imagination and off he goes. Sometimes he likes to take me on the journey to the world of innocence with him but lately ive been just too busy or too tired. But this never bothers him. He doesnt feel the weight of being pushed to the side. He's six, and hes got a whole long ways to go. As we pull up to the house i catch him whispering, "daddy, do you think i can push the pedal to make the car go?" my dad laughs, "get the hell out of my car you crazy guy!" and he waits for me while i comr around the car to open his door. He takes my hand and prepares for a big leap to the ground. Looks at me, smiles. Jumps! We laugh and i feel the warmth in my heart that noone could ever recreate. He is me and i am him. I stand on the stairs remembering a time at an old family party, and it brings tears to my eyes...

I was sitting in my cousins room and walked outside briefly to reach for a drink when i hear my mom say, "allyson your brother is looking for you!!" so i see him running looking lost and confused like i was the keyholder to the gateway home. "ally i was looking for you!" i tell him i havent gone anywhere that ive been here the whole time. He looks at me. I see nothing but sadness and loneliness. "why were you hiding from me ally? I was calling you." i take a deep look at him. I kneel down and take both his hands. "i would never leave you or hide from you ok?" and he smiles, kisses me and runs off to play.


I regain conciousness. I feel lost without him by my side. I run up the stairs to tell him i love him. "love you too ally." and i know as long as i have him with me every single day nothing will be bad. Nothing will ever hurt me.

So i will watch him grow up and leave me here alone but i'll know that whenever he tries looking for me again, ill be there.

Usually, I'm not very fond of telling about the things I do during my days. It seems to....unprofessional when it comes to my writing. I don't know what i mean so don't ask. Should I try to explain? mmmmm, sure. I mean that it just sounds pointless. Every single day people listen to one's daily doings and half of them are uninterested. I don't want you to become uninterested. On the other hand, with me, its very different. I like to hear about people's days. For some reason it gives me comfort to know that I am having a conversation with that person. It makes me feel at home. But today it feels different. I feel like actually telling you about the things I did. Trust me, its not interesting but I think once you get the gist of the ways I spend my time you'll become interested, or at least i certainly hope so.

And so she opens her eyes to a new day and breathes in the air that will magnify the direction that her behavior will go in today.....


I hear the phone vibrating next to me. (oh, how i despise cellular phones) It's my alarm reminding me that its a new day and that my thoughts need to start up again. They need to start their process of bouncing off the walls of my head trying to find a comfortable place to sit and wait for them to be noticed by my concious state of mind. I remember that I'm supposed to be having breakfast with my best friend at Ihop. Im excited, yet too tired to do anything at the moment. I have no money and I have no kind of craving to start walking my butt all the way to ihop. I love how when I plan things they never go the way i plan them. (thank you literary element-foreshadowing) We argue about how she's gunna pay for me and i completely refuse. I never like anyone to pay for anything for me. NOTHING. So you know if we were ever to go out, you'd never have to dish out any money. I get up and walk to the computer. Its become my home. A dangerous obsession. "technology makes you feel like you have friends." It couldn't be any more true. It makes me feel like im surrounded by people who care. A mirage. When you wake up and regain conciousness you realize that nothing is real and everything is really not what it seems. Hello everyones life story. I join a community on the circa website. I feel like the new kid in the class. No one responds to your posts. Everyone knows eachother. You try to find something clever to say so that everyone will catch on. You try to kind of go along with everyones conversation but they ignore you. Thats how its going so far. And i laugh because it really does make you feel like your the newbie. But ill be fine. Trust me. I always am. After checking this I start download unbelievable mood changing music. Audience of one. I could swear to myself that something new has started up in me. I love when I get these feelings. I cant talk. I cant think. I cant think because my mind is all over the place. on the walls, sitting on the chair, sprawled out on the floor, in the restroom, laying on my bed. I cant control myself. My voice has been banished and all I can do is sit listen and love. Such a beautiful feeling. Sometimes I wish I felt like that all the time. But I dont want to grow tired of it. I look at the clock and it is 1:30. I need to get ready for school. (how ironic, we're going to be friends just came on, amazing song) I tie up my hair, throw on pants, put on shoes, grab my books and I'm off. I never feel the need to get all fancy and pretty for anyone. Not that it's possible for me to get pretty but we are not here to talk about negativities or insecurities. I get to class and Im lost. I have no packets. I have no information. Why did i miss school yesterday? The question runs through my head a million times. I was tired. I was busy. Oh well. I laugh. My teacher laughs. The students laugh. Im having a good time. I hear a young girls laugh and i cant hold in my laughter. It reminds me of the best. He'd laugh and laugh and laugh. Changing the sound of his laugh every single time. I love how we can just lay there and never have to worry about finding anything interesting to talk about. We entertain eachother with nothing. Thats how its supposed to be. And so i walk out of the classroom having to contain my laughter. Its getting to be too much for the class. Their clueless. They werent there. It was my memory and not theirs. We all have things we cant share. Not even if I wanted to. And so i walk back inside with a huge smile upon my face knowing that at least his laughter is around me a couple times during the day. The class ends and I come home. Two hours later I am ready to attend night school at rio. The rules clearly state. "if the teacher does not show up after 15 min. you are allowed to leave as long as you fill out a sign in sheet" So i fill it out and off I go. Waste of time yes but maybe it was supposed to be that way. Not to mention my pretzels getting stuck in the vending machines. Gosh how I wish there were automats around here. Thatd be too siick. The only thing I can do is wish. I come home and complain about my on going need for time to myself. I have plenty of it. Im just lazy. Ive come up with the idea of making a stop motion film. A short one ofcourse but I havent gotten any good ideas yet. Wanna share some? we can be partners. Who knows we can even be friends? I get on the computer again and end up talking to the best. My night will consist of studying the french revolution and talking on the phone. For a while will this be my routine and I really dont have a problem with it. Im comfortable and im uncomfortable. I wish there was something that interested someone about me. I wish i had a little "umpf" in my personality. No i dont wanna change my physical appearance. But I just wish someone saw something in me that was different. That they felt was beautiful in its own awkward silly way. I dont know if anyone will ever see the interesting side of me but maybe these simple words will do the trick. who knows? for now I'll continue to listen to the phenomenal music i obtained today and talk to the people I love. The best wishes to you and finding a rich literary voice. as always....







Tschüss.

brave days and long legs

I sit here with only one thought in mind: You are the open door to a new life. I come here with an open mind and closed hands. My words forever stuck in a worm hole, filled with exclamation marks and periods. I call every day to see if the sun has awaken you, but it always fails. My dreams are sending small signals to the outside world to let them know I am here and I will never leave. I promised. The cars drive by honking and honking, and I lay here on my bed, drinking a glass of water, wishing that these noises could be captured into a small box and be put away for safe keeping. I am no longer alone in this tree house, looking at the birds, singing with them, the song of life and carnivals. I like to have fun too. I will never forget the days where you spelled out forever. But, I will always forget the days where I sat here with nothing in my mind but a broken down machine looking for something to replenish, something to create. I wonder when these feelings will go away. I'll never know. You say knowledge always hurts the best and I say it makes the best stronger. That is why we are the best. We can take what the weak can't. We can see what other's cant see. We will always be ahead of the game. One step above the other. Living the life we dreamed we'd always have. The phone is ringing and my heart beats faster and faster wondering when I'll get the message that you have fallen asleep for good. Such morbid fantasies. I'm tired of these long, hot, dreamless days. I'm searching for a new me. A new profile. Give me blonde hair and green eyes. I'll create a new story. A new world. I'll be the opposite of what I once was. My books are filled with ideas, and adventures. I write like if I am one of them. One of my favorites but I will never be that good. I will never have the talent that they have, the talent that I crave. You silly child, find your career, or you'll end up to be nothing. So i sit in the rain and think about all the words I must write to get me somewhere. To get me into a shelter, with food, and clothing. I think about the thoughts and ideas that will keep me from stealing and ending up where the "normal" aren't ought to be. Who can call me normal? Who can say I will be amongst you? I'm writing of thoughts and nothing but thoughts. Normality is far from my world and I appreciate its presence when it is necessary. In my life nothing is necessary. Therefore, presence you are no longer welcome. The rainbow glistens and the children play with no worries. I watch. I smile. Time machines could set me back to this time in my life. Running under sprinklers. Playing house. Riding bikes. Technology has ruined me. It has created me. Has it created these words? Who knows? but it helps me breathe. I am no longer paranoid of the outside world. I am one with everything around me. Mother nature, greetings! So i will say hello and goodbye, and wave only to the most important people of my life. But i will be happy in my mind. Because I know that you have read these words. You have read every single thought running and flowing through my mind at this single moment. I will be greatful and reward you with all that i can give, for taking your time to read this. And for now, until next time.












Tschüss.