Tonight, I used my big thunderous singing voice. I sang. I'm choking up because I SANG! I sang. I sang. I sang. Instead of using the little tiny 5 year old voice that I thought could always pass for good singing, I yelled, and I screamed, and I sang. Ugh, how much more could I possibly tell you my lovely reader?! I wish you could have been here to hear it. It was like an eye opener, a heart wrencher, a stomach turner. It was so much more than i could possibly feel with my own ten fingers.
I recorded it but there is no possible way you could get the full effect of how wonderful it was. Ah. It doesn't matter to me if it was all tuned into the music behind me, because I finally had the guts to sing. I got off my bed and i told myself to do it.
Im shaking because this is something new for me. Start off a couple songs here and a couple songs there. Next thing you know ill have my own guitar sitting in front of me. Oh what a joyous day this is!
Im going on and on about some stupid experience I had today but I dont regret it one bit! because I know that this is one thing down and 328408324828342830 more to go.
i wish you could have been there. I wish you could have heard it. i wish you could have felt it. i wish you could have been right by my side.
ah. the possibilities
29.6.09
28.6.09
it happens
You would tell him your secrets. You would tell him you miss him. You would tell him to go over. You would tell him to call you. You would tell him that he was one of a kind. You would ask him about his love life. You would plan to talk to him every night. You would ask him to visit you. You would ask to visit him. You would be the "cool new" person that you are around him. You would update him on everything that happens in every waking second of your life. You would be worried when one night he doesnt respond to your flirtacious comments. You would make him tell you he misses you as well. You would make him fall for you. You would say some comment that created butterflies in his stomach. You would ask him what he's doing every second of the day. You would make him think that you don't care. You would like him to care. You would like him to kiss you. You would like him to hug you. You would like him to hold you. You would like him to be yours. You would like him to be by your side. You would like him to hold your hand. You would write about him in secret ways. You would finally let him know that you want him. You would continue to make him sit on the edge of his seat everytime he sees you. You would invite him out. You would tell him you love him. You would.
You would because it's who you are, and it's all you know. And because of that, I have lost. I have lost and you have won. You have won what the world saved for me in this moment. You have won what meant more to me than the world itself. But you dont mind, because he is now yours, and I'll sit here and act happy for you and him. I'll give him a high five and I'll flash a smile towards you. Because in your hand is the hand that was supposed to fit into mine. Next to you, is the boy who wasn't supposed to be next to me, but just happened to be next to me. But I'll always be happy and never tell a soul because that's who i am, and you would because that's just who you are.
You would because it's who you are, and it's all you know. And because of that, I have lost. I have lost and you have won. You have won what the world saved for me in this moment. You have won what meant more to me than the world itself. But you dont mind, because he is now yours, and I'll sit here and act happy for you and him. I'll give him a high five and I'll flash a smile towards you. Because in your hand is the hand that was supposed to fit into mine. Next to you, is the boy who wasn't supposed to be next to me, but just happened to be next to me. But I'll always be happy and never tell a soul because that's who i am, and you would because that's just who you are.
25.6.09
the king has left the building
In 4th grade I wanted to be you.
Me and Keith wanted to be you. We planned out our costumes. We practiced singing, and I tried learning the moon walk.
Your albums were stored in my grandma's cupboard, and one day I was scavenging through everything she had, when I found them. I begged her to put them on because she said you were EPIC. Yes, I used the word epic. The moment she put you on, wooosh my whole life flashed before my eyes. I pleaded for her records. But, instead she burned me all of your cd's and for a whole year it was all i listened to.
Who's going to lead the way? You musical genius, you.
I know you'll be there.
22.6.09
new orleans' nights
louis armstrong plays while i sit and wait in the heat. waiting for something to happen. waiting for my life to start. oh wait, it has started. but he always knows how to make the moment move, move along with every stride i take and every move i make. the jazz fills the air and im one with him. i am sitting in carnegie hall tapping my foot and sipping on champaign. My hair is pinned up into full curls and im wearing a beautiful gown, when a young dark hair man steps up to me and asks me for a simple dance. I accept. The night is smoothly sought through while louis keeps on playing.
imagination takes me a great distance.
this day seems to go on endlessly. i see things i dont wanna see and on comes the feelings of doubt.
doubt.
allyson, you need to open up more. Your not where you used to be.
i know but how can i not? how can i let myself be who i want to be when the people i loved hated it.
so louis keeps on playing and my mind wanders the street of my future. i see buildings made of goals, i see parks filled with ambition, i see markets selling experiences in places that are far away from here. I only see this because I am dreaming. Dreams can be thrilling and dreams can be frightening. I am frightened of my dreams, because I never know when they'll come true and when they fall to the bottom of the barrel.
louis plays the music of my heart. he plays the music of my state of being at this exact moment. I only hear what i want to hear and it is his trumpet playing in the middle of a dark club. where murmurs of sin and murmurs of love float around. smoke is flowing through everyones body. drinks are spilled and consumed in numerous amounts. he plays and i hum the rhythm. i close my eyes and i am there participating in the activities in the club, but to know I am not alone gives me comfort. I am now happy with who i am, and where I will be.
oh louis, you are one in a million.
imagination takes me a great distance.
this day seems to go on endlessly. i see things i dont wanna see and on comes the feelings of doubt.
doubt.
allyson, you need to open up more. Your not where you used to be.
i know but how can i not? how can i let myself be who i want to be when the people i loved hated it.
so louis keeps on playing and my mind wanders the street of my future. i see buildings made of goals, i see parks filled with ambition, i see markets selling experiences in places that are far away from here. I only see this because I am dreaming. Dreams can be thrilling and dreams can be frightening. I am frightened of my dreams, because I never know when they'll come true and when they fall to the bottom of the barrel.
louis plays the music of my heart. he plays the music of my state of being at this exact moment. I only hear what i want to hear and it is his trumpet playing in the middle of a dark club. where murmurs of sin and murmurs of love float around. smoke is flowing through everyones body. drinks are spilled and consumed in numerous amounts. he plays and i hum the rhythm. i close my eyes and i am there participating in the activities in the club, but to know I am not alone gives me comfort. I am now happy with who i am, and where I will be.
oh louis, you are one in a million.
20.6.09
carry this picture
"your all that and a bag of chips."
It's the only place to start and the only place to end. Somewhere deep inside I know that I never want this feeling to go away. As dreamlike as it sounds I want to keep these butterflies in my stomach forever. The way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he explains things, the way he tells his opinions on certain things, the way he lets me be me, and the way he's just himself, makes me wonder why I didn't notice it first. Why it took me two years to see all of this. Small crushes were consuming my thoughts but never did the thought of actually following up on it ever go through my head. He was too far away. He was better than what I needed. He was more than I ever wanted. Just too far away...
Now, two years later here I am sitting here able to call him mine. Able to say that he has my heart and I have his. A complete dream I tell myself. I'm laying somewhere on a couch, on a bed, in a car, in a tent, anywhere, just dreaming. But I'm not. I finally realize what luck I have. he says, "it's not luck you deserve me." But constantly do I find myself falling short of anything he deserves. So i pinch myself, i throw water in my face, and still this overwhelming feeling still takes over my body, mind, and soul.
Years pass and I was hung up on a disaster. 3 years spent sitting around waiting for someone who was far from what I needed, but they were what I wanted. A complete waste of time. No regrets I tell myself, and so I accept it, move on, and just say I'm stupid for sticking around. The thought of being with this person took over my thoughts, thats all I wanted and I would not rest till I had it. But he came along, and stopped it all... No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, "I think I'm going to meet someone today and become close to them, and tell them all my secrets." No that wasn't the plan at all. I was looking for a meager conversation to pass the time, but I found more than that. I found a guy who talked of his experiences, who told of his feelings, and announced his dreams. I was blown away, I couldn't help but fall, I couldn't help but think that I wanted this guy apart of my life, but the timing wasn't right. No the timing was never right, till now.
As few beaus I've had and as few guys I've let in to my heart, never has anyone made these feelings come upon me. I dream now, and I feel the possibility of these dreams coming true is very strong. It builds and builds every day into this beautiful monument. The dreams they create some sort of goal for my future. But once the goal is reached does it stop? Does it end and does the love fall away? No. Definitely not. its more than infatuation and its more than most foolish teenage kids have experienced. I have been one of them. I have planned to feel the world under my skin with someone, I have asked to be able to say "forever." But never have I believed in it so much as I do now.
The way he makes me feel. Oh the way he makes me feel...
Everytime he's in my presence I cant help but smile and feel appreciated. He gives me this overwhelming joy that finally I have found someone who will not make the mistake in making me fall for false words. He's more than all that. I find myself sitting alone and thinking to myself, "could I ever be happier than I am now?" All the false words that were told to me before were to achieve some kind of winning prize. Oh we all know what the winning prize is, so I will not go on and tell of excess details. I can lay in bed, sun beating against my face, blankets shoved to the side, breathing coming to a slow pace, and never doubt that this feeling is real. I tell him countless things everyday. I share my dreams, my goals, my plans, and my opinions. He takes them into account. He never judges me. He teaches me things. I listen to his voice during endless conversations and I know that no voice could make me rethink my thoughts on love more than his.
Oh how im blabbering on and on about him. But there is a reason for it all. No one, anywhere, in any place. on the streets, in a house, at a park, has ever made me feel the way I feel today at this exact moment. I'm not sure if it is foolish to feel this way but I know that when I wake up every morning and I feel the warmth of the sun, and hear the birds singing in the morning, and hear the people of the world in my ears, I am waking up to a keeness stronger than no other.
so i finish with this..
I know I cant explain how i feel to you in person, or on the phone, but I want you to know that it's here. All of the butterflies, and the overwhelming sensations you give me, are real. I would never lie to you about that. I'm so closed up because of the past but with you, everyday, I open myself up more and more. I don't know what it is, that makes me want this to last forever. Maybe its the way we can always talk about things other than us. Maybe its the way we can laugh and laugh and laugh but have our times of seriousness when its vital. Maybe its the way we can express ourselves in words that are incomprehensible to the minds of society today. Or maybe its the way that we plan to live the lives of free people, with open hearts and open minds together. I dont know, I cant pin point it but as long as its here it doesnt matter to me. I couldnt ask for anyone better. Your one of the most amazing people that I have ever met. You make me want to do everything I've ever dreamed of with you. My goals were only a fantasy but as soon as you came along, you pushed me to follow them and to achieve them for my happiness and only my happiness. I'm not sure where people like you come from but all in all, your timeless and completely wonderful. Im not sure how many more adjectives I can use to explain you, I can probably use all the synonyms for amazing and still fall short of what I feel you really are. Im glad you've given me the chance to show you that there's more than lies and broken promises and false dreams. Even if this finishes in the blink of an eye I will always love you for the person you are, no matter what. i will always stick by your side more than any other. Because I know you will do just the exact same for me.
I love you, and I hope after you read this you finally understand how much I care for you. I hope the biggest smile is planted on your face and your thinking, "wow, she really does love me." Because that's my job. No, actually its not my job. Because people get sick of jobs and careers . (our conversation about careers confirmed that) So I'll say I do it because I want to do it, and to make you happy makes me happy. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all this in person, but for now I hope this satisfies your thoughts on my love for you.
It's the only place to start and the only place to end. Somewhere deep inside I know that I never want this feeling to go away. As dreamlike as it sounds I want to keep these butterflies in my stomach forever. The way he talks, the way he smiles, the way he explains things, the way he tells his opinions on certain things, the way he lets me be me, and the way he's just himself, makes me wonder why I didn't notice it first. Why it took me two years to see all of this. Small crushes were consuming my thoughts but never did the thought of actually following up on it ever go through my head. He was too far away. He was better than what I needed. He was more than I ever wanted. Just too far away...
Now, two years later here I am sitting here able to call him mine. Able to say that he has my heart and I have his. A complete dream I tell myself. I'm laying somewhere on a couch, on a bed, in a car, in a tent, anywhere, just dreaming. But I'm not. I finally realize what luck I have. he says, "it's not luck you deserve me." But constantly do I find myself falling short of anything he deserves. So i pinch myself, i throw water in my face, and still this overwhelming feeling still takes over my body, mind, and soul.
Years pass and I was hung up on a disaster. 3 years spent sitting around waiting for someone who was far from what I needed, but they were what I wanted. A complete waste of time. No regrets I tell myself, and so I accept it, move on, and just say I'm stupid for sticking around. The thought of being with this person took over my thoughts, thats all I wanted and I would not rest till I had it. But he came along, and stopped it all... No one wakes up in the morning and says to themselves, "I think I'm going to meet someone today and become close to them, and tell them all my secrets." No that wasn't the plan at all. I was looking for a meager conversation to pass the time, but I found more than that. I found a guy who talked of his experiences, who told of his feelings, and announced his dreams. I was blown away, I couldn't help but fall, I couldn't help but think that I wanted this guy apart of my life, but the timing wasn't right. No the timing was never right, till now.
As few beaus I've had and as few guys I've let in to my heart, never has anyone made these feelings come upon me. I dream now, and I feel the possibility of these dreams coming true is very strong. It builds and builds every day into this beautiful monument. The dreams they create some sort of goal for my future. But once the goal is reached does it stop? Does it end and does the love fall away? No. Definitely not. its more than infatuation and its more than most foolish teenage kids have experienced. I have been one of them. I have planned to feel the world under my skin with someone, I have asked to be able to say "forever." But never have I believed in it so much as I do now.
The way he makes me feel. Oh the way he makes me feel...
Everytime he's in my presence I cant help but smile and feel appreciated. He gives me this overwhelming joy that finally I have found someone who will not make the mistake in making me fall for false words. He's more than all that. I find myself sitting alone and thinking to myself, "could I ever be happier than I am now?" All the false words that were told to me before were to achieve some kind of winning prize. Oh we all know what the winning prize is, so I will not go on and tell of excess details. I can lay in bed, sun beating against my face, blankets shoved to the side, breathing coming to a slow pace, and never doubt that this feeling is real. I tell him countless things everyday. I share my dreams, my goals, my plans, and my opinions. He takes them into account. He never judges me. He teaches me things. I listen to his voice during endless conversations and I know that no voice could make me rethink my thoughts on love more than his.
Oh how im blabbering on and on about him. But there is a reason for it all. No one, anywhere, in any place. on the streets, in a house, at a park, has ever made me feel the way I feel today at this exact moment. I'm not sure if it is foolish to feel this way but I know that when I wake up every morning and I feel the warmth of the sun, and hear the birds singing in the morning, and hear the people of the world in my ears, I am waking up to a keeness stronger than no other.
so i finish with this..
I know I cant explain how i feel to you in person, or on the phone, but I want you to know that it's here. All of the butterflies, and the overwhelming sensations you give me, are real. I would never lie to you about that. I'm so closed up because of the past but with you, everyday, I open myself up more and more. I don't know what it is, that makes me want this to last forever. Maybe its the way we can always talk about things other than us. Maybe its the way we can laugh and laugh and laugh but have our times of seriousness when its vital. Maybe its the way we can express ourselves in words that are incomprehensible to the minds of society today. Or maybe its the way that we plan to live the lives of free people, with open hearts and open minds together. I dont know, I cant pin point it but as long as its here it doesnt matter to me. I couldnt ask for anyone better. Your one of the most amazing people that I have ever met. You make me want to do everything I've ever dreamed of with you. My goals were only a fantasy but as soon as you came along, you pushed me to follow them and to achieve them for my happiness and only my happiness. I'm not sure where people like you come from but all in all, your timeless and completely wonderful. Im not sure how many more adjectives I can use to explain you, I can probably use all the synonyms for amazing and still fall short of what I feel you really are. Im glad you've given me the chance to show you that there's more than lies and broken promises and false dreams. Even if this finishes in the blink of an eye I will always love you for the person you are, no matter what. i will always stick by your side more than any other. Because I know you will do just the exact same for me.
I love you, and I hope after you read this you finally understand how much I care for you. I hope the biggest smile is planted on your face and your thinking, "wow, she really does love me." Because that's my job. No, actually its not my job. Because people get sick of jobs and careers . (our conversation about careers confirmed that) So I'll say I do it because I want to do it, and to make you happy makes me happy. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all this in person, but for now I hope this satisfies your thoughts on my love for you.
19.6.09
different person
sitting here. the movie is finished. i feel connected in some way. i listened, i watched, i thought, i felt. his words flow through my body. his goals, his freedom, his beliefs, his light, will all play a part in my life now. the end titles start moving up the screen and im speechless. my words are now his. i lay here watching everything around me. my thoughts are pointless. everything plays out like a small low budget movie. only the best kind ofcourse. i dont know why this feeling has overtaken everything in me.
it was nothing but a movie allyson.
i know. i know. but I woke up to something new. to something that was never there before. ive been sitting here waiting for something to become of me. he knew that wasnt the way life was supposed to be. and i learned. oh you bet i learned.
the sheets are wrinkled around me. the sun is beating against my face. my eyes wander the room for some sort of magical being thats creating this feeling. beads of sweat fall down the side of my face. my body roams the bed, never willing to stay in one place. nothing but the music of the world is playing in my ears. my hair is falling around me. i dont wanna lose the feeling but i know as soon as i open the bedroom door it will vanish as fast as i can say "please stay."
the feeling does not reside in my stomach. its found its home in my arms, legs, chest, fingers, hips, and feet. it seems like everything is moving in slow motion. everything is fuzzy and unclear but in the best way possible. the fuzziness makes me dizzy and i dont want it to end. my eyes keep searching and searching for the source of this state of being. but i can never find it. and then i realize, its not visible. its me and everything thats created me. thats what it is. im realizing it, i am the creator of it. so i smile because never have i experienced such a beatiful sensation flowing through my veins, through my body, through my mind, through my soul, through my heart. i laugh in the awkward silence of the room, because its such a silly thing to think that some magical force is giving the greatest feeling ever experienced. its just who i am, and i have found myself in everything around me.
so i thank the man who brought me the realization of it all. he didnt need to change anyones mind. he didnt plan to save the world from a boring, monotonous life. but one out of three people are feeling what i feel at this exact moment. my lips have not moved since the small box's light shut off in front of me. i touch my lips wondering when the right words will be said. but my lips arent the ones who come up with what i need to say. i do. and at this moment, i couldnt ask for anything better.
it was nothing but a movie allyson.
i know. i know. but I woke up to something new. to something that was never there before. ive been sitting here waiting for something to become of me. he knew that wasnt the way life was supposed to be. and i learned. oh you bet i learned.
the sheets are wrinkled around me. the sun is beating against my face. my eyes wander the room for some sort of magical being thats creating this feeling. beads of sweat fall down the side of my face. my body roams the bed, never willing to stay in one place. nothing but the music of the world is playing in my ears. my hair is falling around me. i dont wanna lose the feeling but i know as soon as i open the bedroom door it will vanish as fast as i can say "please stay."
the feeling does not reside in my stomach. its found its home in my arms, legs, chest, fingers, hips, and feet. it seems like everything is moving in slow motion. everything is fuzzy and unclear but in the best way possible. the fuzziness makes me dizzy and i dont want it to end. my eyes keep searching and searching for the source of this state of being. but i can never find it. and then i realize, its not visible. its me and everything thats created me. thats what it is. im realizing it, i am the creator of it. so i smile because never have i experienced such a beatiful sensation flowing through my veins, through my body, through my mind, through my soul, through my heart. i laugh in the awkward silence of the room, because its such a silly thing to think that some magical force is giving the greatest feeling ever experienced. its just who i am, and i have found myself in everything around me.
so i thank the man who brought me the realization of it all. he didnt need to change anyones mind. he didnt plan to save the world from a boring, monotonous life. but one out of three people are feeling what i feel at this exact moment. my lips have not moved since the small box's light shut off in front of me. i touch my lips wondering when the right words will be said. but my lips arent the ones who come up with what i need to say. i do. and at this moment, i couldnt ask for anything better.
16.6.09
the right mood
I was taking a drive towards rio hondo today and I realized I was in that sort of blogging mood. What is a blogging mood, you say? Well, I'd be honered to tell you. It's the type of mood where you have nothing to say but absolutely everything to say. Your heart desires the need to feel the keys press down under your fingers and to hear the clickity clack that it makes when you press them. The desire to tell about everything around you and the nothing around you. Its the mood you have when your taking a drive and a really cheesy song comes on that always puts a smile on your face, makes you wanna scream the words. Its the mood you have when you realize summer is just right around the corner and your running as fast as you can just to get there so that all the weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders. Its the mood that just makes you want to sit and listen and say, "wow...I've never heard that before."
It's the mood that makes everything go away as soon as you say the words that are dieing to find a voice somewhere, in some place.
So here I am, taking a drive, letting the wind flow through my fingers, when I realize that I'm almost ready to join the people of the real world. It seems like a whole other species that's creeping the streets. I don't feel the need to join them just yet, I wanna be afraid of the dark forever. I wanna sit under a tree and be able to breathe in the air without thinking about how horrible the world is just over the little picket fence. I want to be able to talk about things that no one understands, things that have no purpose, but just need to be said. But, my time will come. And maybe I'll still be afraid of the dark till the day I pass. Im crossing my fingers hoping for this. It'll be my only connection to the world of innocence.
I get a call today from my woman.(marlene) Oh how I miss the days where I'd cry on her shoulder and she'd tell me I was amazing and that the idiots i dated weren't even worth a glance. She understood exactly who I was. Weird or not. Ugly hair or not. Ugly face or not. She was there and I couldn't have appreciated it more. Now, she's off with the other species living life, not knowing what day it is. (i'm totally not joking, she really doesn't remember what day it is sometimes.) But, I'll always remember the freedom she had, having a structure built right before her in an institution that everyone resents when they're there. oh I miss her.
this summer calls for work. work work work work work. allyson your too busy for me. ally take a break already. allyson where have you been. ally what have you been up to i havent heard from you in months. well hello life. a sixteen year old with the schedule of a 30 year old with a job in management. maybe even more hectic, who knows. who really cares? while the kids are out having fun, attending bonfires, partying, going out to eat, I'm sitting here reading for an online english forum. If i don't do this correctly I'll risk my chances in not being accepted to a good school.
ugh i hate responsibilites. I should be having fun getting right for nights out on the town, talking to the addition to my life (hes the best ive ever had), and kicking my shoes off, running barefoot in the sand. But no time for that. allyson you got work to do!!!!
so im sitting here typing wondering why I'm not watching a good documentary, starting on Language Fiend, listening to Lester Young, or even just reading a good book. Which reminds me I got a new one by Chuck Palahniuk today. Im so excited that Im saving it for a time when all is quiet in the house and I have a little world all to myself. I hear he's quite the writer. mmmm...oh back to my thoughts! and I think to myself its because you took the time out of your day to tell maybe about three people what your thinking. (thats how many people i think actually read my ridiculous words) and i appreciate it so much. Even if none of these people read it, even if noone read it, Id be happy to know that there is someplace some where where I belong. where my words belong, if I may.
the night grows on me and Im starting to love it more and more. I wonder how much owls love the night. Do they wish they could wake up during the day? hmmm. I'll ask and get back to you on that.
my words are flowing out a little too randomly but maybe its good that people know whats flowing through my head. strange thoughts yes, but good thoughts ofcourse.
this week is going to spent crossing my fingers hoping I see him. Friday or next monday. He's probably loving this right now because he always likes to see me write about him. But I love writing about him so its no burden on me at all. So many things have changed. My heart and my head. I wouldnt be caught dead telling him this in person because I'm so closed up. I blame it on the years of ignorance when it came to beaus and just dating in general. I was the girl who finished last, and from what i remember, he was the boy who finished last. maybe things will go right this time, if not always but for a while. i guess I just got lucky...
things just seem to be going right. i didnt need to follow the rainbow or talk to mister sandman or pray for it. It just came to me and I couldnt be happier. So ill leave these final words with a smile on my face, a warmth in my heart, and a happy tone in my voice.
lets not leave with a sigh but with an expectation for more free thoughts and unstructured words.
It's the mood that makes everything go away as soon as you say the words that are dieing to find a voice somewhere, in some place.
So here I am, taking a drive, letting the wind flow through my fingers, when I realize that I'm almost ready to join the people of the real world. It seems like a whole other species that's creeping the streets. I don't feel the need to join them just yet, I wanna be afraid of the dark forever. I wanna sit under a tree and be able to breathe in the air without thinking about how horrible the world is just over the little picket fence. I want to be able to talk about things that no one understands, things that have no purpose, but just need to be said. But, my time will come. And maybe I'll still be afraid of the dark till the day I pass. Im crossing my fingers hoping for this. It'll be my only connection to the world of innocence.
I get a call today from my woman.(marlene) Oh how I miss the days where I'd cry on her shoulder and she'd tell me I was amazing and that the idiots i dated weren't even worth a glance. She understood exactly who I was. Weird or not. Ugly hair or not. Ugly face or not. She was there and I couldn't have appreciated it more. Now, she's off with the other species living life, not knowing what day it is. (i'm totally not joking, she really doesn't remember what day it is sometimes.) But, I'll always remember the freedom she had, having a structure built right before her in an institution that everyone resents when they're there. oh I miss her.
this summer calls for work. work work work work work. allyson your too busy for me. ally take a break already. allyson where have you been. ally what have you been up to i havent heard from you in months. well hello life. a sixteen year old with the schedule of a 30 year old with a job in management. maybe even more hectic, who knows. who really cares? while the kids are out having fun, attending bonfires, partying, going out to eat, I'm sitting here reading for an online english forum. If i don't do this correctly I'll risk my chances in not being accepted to a good school.
ugh i hate responsibilites. I should be having fun getting right for nights out on the town, talking to the addition to my life (hes the best ive ever had), and kicking my shoes off, running barefoot in the sand. But no time for that. allyson you got work to do!!!!
so im sitting here typing wondering why I'm not watching a good documentary, starting on Language Fiend, listening to Lester Young, or even just reading a good book. Which reminds me I got a new one by Chuck Palahniuk today. Im so excited that Im saving it for a time when all is quiet in the house and I have a little world all to myself. I hear he's quite the writer. mmmm...oh back to my thoughts! and I think to myself its because you took the time out of your day to tell maybe about three people what your thinking. (thats how many people i think actually read my ridiculous words) and i appreciate it so much. Even if none of these people read it, even if noone read it, Id be happy to know that there is someplace some where where I belong. where my words belong, if I may.
the night grows on me and Im starting to love it more and more. I wonder how much owls love the night. Do they wish they could wake up during the day? hmmm. I'll ask and get back to you on that.
my words are flowing out a little too randomly but maybe its good that people know whats flowing through my head. strange thoughts yes, but good thoughts ofcourse.
this week is going to spent crossing my fingers hoping I see him. Friday or next monday. He's probably loving this right now because he always likes to see me write about him. But I love writing about him so its no burden on me at all. So many things have changed. My heart and my head. I wouldnt be caught dead telling him this in person because I'm so closed up. I blame it on the years of ignorance when it came to beaus and just dating in general. I was the girl who finished last, and from what i remember, he was the boy who finished last. maybe things will go right this time, if not always but for a while. i guess I just got lucky...
things just seem to be going right. i didnt need to follow the rainbow or talk to mister sandman or pray for it. It just came to me and I couldnt be happier. So ill leave these final words with a smile on my face, a warmth in my heart, and a happy tone in my voice.
lets not leave with a sigh but with an expectation for more free thoughts and unstructured words.
10.6.09
my flower.
I'll be seeing you in every lovely summers day, in everything that's light and gay. I'll always think of you that way. I'll find you in the morning sun, and when the night is new.
I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you...
the days blow through like an unsettled wind. you lay there silently wishing it was all over. your loved ones pass through greeting and leaving, greeting and leaving. they look at you like a fragile object, one with grace and beauty. the days grow tiresome, the nights grow longer, your sleep grows heavier. your dreams are filled with better days and nights. they tell stories of freedom from pain. your mind wanders hoping and believing you'll get through it all. your beautiful smile lingers in the days before all this. the way you walked with pride, never letting a soul tell you, you couldnt do what your heart desired. the way you talked like you experienced so much, but you never were willing to stop learning more.
oh how the nights grew more and more silent... oh how the days grew more and more restless...
your body made of porcelain, hanging over the edge waiting to shatter.
your laughter bounces off the walls, haunts the rooms, and floats through the air like a signal of celebratory times. your movements never stopping, never letting walls get in the way. your ears never stop listening to the conversations roaming the house. your voice gladly willing to put a sense of calmness in ones heart.
oh how we'll miss the times.
oh how we'll miss your wind.
oh how we'll miss the love in your heart.
oh how we'll miss the never ending brightness in your smile.
oh how we'll miss you....
You will always be a flower in my eyes.
"Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep im tired and i, i want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep and then leave me alone don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone don't feel bad for me i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i will feel so glad to go
sing me to sleep sing me to sleep i don't want to wake up on my own anymore
sing to me sing to me i don't want to wake up on my own anymore
don't feel bad for me i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i really want to go
there is another world there is a better world
Well, there must be well, there must be well, there must be well, there must be well ...
bye bye bye bye bye ..."
Juanita sanchez
june 9, 2009
I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing you...
the days blow through like an unsettled wind. you lay there silently wishing it was all over. your loved ones pass through greeting and leaving, greeting and leaving. they look at you like a fragile object, one with grace and beauty. the days grow tiresome, the nights grow longer, your sleep grows heavier. your dreams are filled with better days and nights. they tell stories of freedom from pain. your mind wanders hoping and believing you'll get through it all. your beautiful smile lingers in the days before all this. the way you walked with pride, never letting a soul tell you, you couldnt do what your heart desired. the way you talked like you experienced so much, but you never were willing to stop learning more.
oh how the nights grew more and more silent... oh how the days grew more and more restless...
your body made of porcelain, hanging over the edge waiting to shatter.
your laughter bounces off the walls, haunts the rooms, and floats through the air like a signal of celebratory times. your movements never stopping, never letting walls get in the way. your ears never stop listening to the conversations roaming the house. your voice gladly willing to put a sense of calmness in ones heart.
oh how we'll miss the times.
oh how we'll miss your wind.
oh how we'll miss the love in your heart.
oh how we'll miss the never ending brightness in your smile.
oh how we'll miss you....
You will always be a flower in my eyes.
"Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep im tired and i, i want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep sing me to sleep and then leave me alone don't try to wake me in the morning cause I will be gone don't feel bad for me i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i will feel so glad to go
sing me to sleep sing me to sleep i don't want to wake up on my own anymore
sing to me sing to me i don't want to wake up on my own anymore
don't feel bad for me i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i really want to go
there is another world there is a better world
Well, there must be well, there must be well, there must be well, there must be well ...
bye bye bye bye bye ..."
Juanita sanchez
june 9, 2009
6.6.09
the night of joy
the clock strikes 10...
the fans grow anxious...
the equipment lays still on the floor...
the lights dim...
the people yell....
rodrigo walks onto the stage with a white blazer, picks up his guitar and starts strumming...
the night is filled with excitement, whispers, laughter, smiles, kissing, singing, and musicians who take your breath away. they play and not one person is in time with anything else but the music. bodies sway back and forth calling the night with their movements, asking for it to never end. they sing in foreign tongues telling beautiful stories of chasing time. Tempo a gente dem...quanto a gente da...we sing with our mouths full of admiration. we dance with our hearts full of music. spotlights roam the stage claiming the fame of every person it shines upon. lights flash trying to capture the moments in a still frame. the bodies freeze, no noise is heard. they look as if you could jump inside it and the show will begin from the moment it stopped.the drinks run down their throats creating a haze. calming the nights with soft tones and slow movements.
the music comes to an end, noone is willing to accept this fact. ENCORE! OTRA! ENCORE! OTRA!
the musicians walk down the stairs creating the mood of admiration once again. they strum. they sing. they drum. they dance. the moment lasts a couple minutes longer in everyones minds. the venue has melodies bouncing off its walls, running through its veins. this is not the first night that this happens but in everyones opinion, this could very be the only night its occured.
as the song ends, the fans grow impatient. wishing they could keep their fascination for a moment longer. they walk off the stage. we wait to see if something out of the ordinary may happen. as nothing occurs, we slowly walk out discussing how our feelings are bubbling in our stomaches creating a sick overwhelming feeling.
the night ends and we all go home with the memory of the white blazer walking onto the stage...
the fans grow anxious...
the equipment lays still on the floor...
the lights dim...
the people yell....
rodrigo walks onto the stage with a white blazer, picks up his guitar and starts strumming...
the night is filled with excitement, whispers, laughter, smiles, kissing, singing, and musicians who take your breath away. they play and not one person is in time with anything else but the music. bodies sway back and forth calling the night with their movements, asking for it to never end. they sing in foreign tongues telling beautiful stories of chasing time. Tempo a gente dem...quanto a gente da...we sing with our mouths full of admiration. we dance with our hearts full of music. spotlights roam the stage claiming the fame of every person it shines upon. lights flash trying to capture the moments in a still frame. the bodies freeze, no noise is heard. they look as if you could jump inside it and the show will begin from the moment it stopped.the drinks run down their throats creating a haze. calming the nights with soft tones and slow movements.
the music comes to an end, noone is willing to accept this fact. ENCORE! OTRA! ENCORE! OTRA!
the musicians walk down the stairs creating the mood of admiration once again. they strum. they sing. they drum. they dance. the moment lasts a couple minutes longer in everyones minds. the venue has melodies bouncing off its walls, running through its veins. this is not the first night that this happens but in everyones opinion, this could very be the only night its occured.
as the song ends, the fans grow impatient. wishing they could keep their fascination for a moment longer. they walk off the stage. we wait to see if something out of the ordinary may happen. as nothing occurs, we slowly walk out discussing how our feelings are bubbling in our stomaches creating a sick overwhelming feeling.
the night ends and we all go home with the memory of the white blazer walking onto the stage...
4.6.09
tenacity
My stomachs hurting while I'm typing this. Words seem useless right now. Tears want to be shed but I won't let them, no not this time. I'm not sure when I'll stop believing, but I know I have now seen what was in front of me. What has been in front of me this whole time. Ignoring it.
Ignoring how she feels. Having no clue what he feels.
How he felt before, how she felt before.
Her words are neon lights with short but descriptive words. They are loud at night, and attract attention throughout the day. She remembers how it felt. She remembers how she wants to feel. She remembers how so many nights were spent laughing and thinking to herself, "How did I come across someone like him?" She remembers it all, in fear of never being able to find that again. Her eyes shine with worry. Her eyes shine with guilt, wondering why she ever did what she did. Especially the nights where they make eye contact but never say a word. She wonders if it would have been different if she just held on tighter. He was her special prize.
He laughs. He jokes. He lives. Does he pretend? Does he remember the nights of laughter and realization? Does he recognize the way she surprised him with the things she said, how she always had something to say? He's not sure. He goes on telling of his life, his goals. Oh, how he never looks back. The nights deepen, he wonders when the phone will ring and he'll hear her voice. He won't know what to say. He'll be shocked. He'll be mad. He'll be relieved. She never forgot where he was. She remembered just the way he said his words, and how he knew when he was ready to say what needed to be said. He thinks... He waits... He's confused, but as he reads her words, his heart aches. She remembers... As he reads her words, he becomes speechless... As he reads her words, he feels the need to hear her voice once again... As he reads her words, he drops everything he's doing and follows the neon lights.
So as they both wonder what words to say, what ways to move, I sit here and think about what I'm doing.
Should I leave and go on as I had been. Or do I fight?
I've never fought a day in my life. Never physical or mental.
Do I tear down the neon signs, and put up my own?
I'm horrible at art.
Where will I go?
I can't read maps.
Would I act like I can not hear or see anything?
I have perfect hearing and my glasses fix my sight.
20 ways to show that I'm still here.
10 ways to show that I'll never leave.
oh yes, i did promise. and the promise I will keep.
Ignoring how she feels. Having no clue what he feels.
How he felt before, how she felt before.
Her words are neon lights with short but descriptive words. They are loud at night, and attract attention throughout the day. She remembers how it felt. She remembers how she wants to feel. She remembers how so many nights were spent laughing and thinking to herself, "How did I come across someone like him?" She remembers it all, in fear of never being able to find that again. Her eyes shine with worry. Her eyes shine with guilt, wondering why she ever did what she did. Especially the nights where they make eye contact but never say a word. She wonders if it would have been different if she just held on tighter. He was her special prize.
He laughs. He jokes. He lives. Does he pretend? Does he remember the nights of laughter and realization? Does he recognize the way she surprised him with the things she said, how she always had something to say? He's not sure. He goes on telling of his life, his goals. Oh, how he never looks back. The nights deepen, he wonders when the phone will ring and he'll hear her voice. He won't know what to say. He'll be shocked. He'll be mad. He'll be relieved. She never forgot where he was. She remembered just the way he said his words, and how he knew when he was ready to say what needed to be said. He thinks... He waits... He's confused, but as he reads her words, his heart aches. She remembers... As he reads her words, he becomes speechless... As he reads her words, he feels the need to hear her voice once again... As he reads her words, he drops everything he's doing and follows the neon lights.
So as they both wonder what words to say, what ways to move, I sit here and think about what I'm doing.
Should I leave and go on as I had been. Or do I fight?
I've never fought a day in my life. Never physical or mental.
Do I tear down the neon signs, and put up my own?
I'm horrible at art.
Where will I go?
I can't read maps.
Would I act like I can not hear or see anything?
I have perfect hearing and my glasses fix my sight.
20 ways to show that I'm still here.
10 ways to show that I'll never leave.
oh yes, i did promise. and the promise I will keep.
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