So this is the first time in a long time where I feel the need to write in the morning. There is this morning sunlight urge that makes me contemplate the thoughts that are going through my head. I watch some certain movie, I hear certain things and then i suddenly feel like I need to write. I hope this kind of thinking always stays with me, even in my old age.
I usually don't see myself getting old. When I told someone very close to me this, they hushed me because I think it was very taboo to talk about death. I'd rather die young then actually see all the people I completely care about leave me. I guess I like beating people to the chase. I've always been this way, and this mentality was picked up far before I was old enough to think for myself. But, I guess it's very unusual to think about what would happen after you've left. I don't mind it much and I appreciate everything I have. But I want it to stay this way. I want to appreciate the things I HAVE not the things I HAD. Maybe someone will understand this but for now I'm on my own.
I'm sitting in my room listening to Kevin Devine. There was no doubt or second guess to what I should listen to when I thought about bringing my lap top inside my room to write. I guess just certain people fit certain moods at certain times. I think the last time I felt this way I wasn't listening to anything. Everything was quiet and everything was peaceful outside. I guess it fit that time. But right now I needed some kind of mellow soundtrack to play. No, not the soundtrack of my life. I hate the way that sounds. Because not a few songs could fit my life at all. Only bits and pieces of some. It would sound like complete shit if I put it all together. But I guess no one's is perfect.
I was thinking about the situations I've been through with relationship types. Lets describe them:
1. First boyfriend. One of those relationships where you hold hands and hug. You never kiss. OH NO OH NO! That's absurd. We were too shy. Most of the time I'd walk home alone because I was too shy to ask him to walk me home. People felt that I'd never get another boyfriend this way. He wrote me cheesy letters that said, "If you were a book, I'd check you out. Love (insert name here)." And then we both decided to end it because we both knew he wanted someone else. He wanted a close friend of mine. And that was that. I didn't cry. I was mad but in my head I thought wow if that was this easy and I'll just be mad when we break up then I can do this.
2.First kiss. This relationship was all sparkly and pretty. Actually, now that I think of it, it was rather quite stupid. It was dumb and it lasted for about 2 weeks. I met this guy about twice and he was one of my good friend's older brother. He thought I was cute and he asked her to introduce me. We hung out once. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I had my first kiss and anything was totally out of the question. I knew he wanted more but it wasn't gunna pass for me. Everything was off limits. I was still shy and after a while he stopped calling me. He stopped showing up to my class. He just completely cut off contact with me. Until one day he called to tell me he wanted to be friends. I cried for a day. and I was done. Next day he had pictures up with another girl.
3.Oh it is love. I like naming these relationships. It's kinda fun. Well this one was what you call "OH MY GOD IM SO IN LOVE!" I am actually smiling when I think about this one because it's so funny to think about how I let my guard completely down with this one. I let him tell me whatever he wanted. I let him do whatever he wanted. But in the beginning all he wanted was me until he saw the other girls walk by, and saw the other guys drinking and hitting on those other girls. It was all the perfect picture. While I thought i was having fun and in love, he was having fun and loving others. It was fun and cool at first. We were the closest of friends who just got caught up and started liking eachother. The first months we laughed and went places and then after that it turned into long nights and long talks. It was done after the third time of that special phone call named the "I got something to tell you" phone call.
4. Do what ever you want. This was the relationship that never really meant anything. I never cried. It was fun to have this person around. We joked around. He did his own thing and I did mine. We laughed. But that was it. There was nothing special. After catching him having a little more fun than usual, I said I needed to go and that was it. Did and done.
5.Dating phase. This is the time where I dated people. I wouldn't even call it dating because to some of them, I didn't even want them to kiss me. I didn't like getting their phone calls. When they found something else I didn't cry. I laughed and said congrats. And to this day, I say thank you to all of them. My guard was up and I promised it would never be let down. Maybe one of these guys would have gotten a chance to actually date me. But it wasn't there. The wall was up and like I said, it wasn't coming down.
6.What the hell am I doing? Now this is the one that puzzles me. After dating these guys that I had no intention of being with. I remember that I have this best friend that has talked me through each and every one of these phases or relationships. (whatever you want to call them) I always flirted with him. I had the hugest crush on him but I knew it would never be anything. We never hung out. We talked on the phone once in a while. We told each other our secrets. He came to me to tell me about his relationships and the girls he liked. and i did the exact same with him, and the boys I liked. I'd tell him to find me a guy that would be perfect for me and he'd just say, "I'm right here." I'd laugh and think nothing of it because that's how we played around. Now look at me, nine months in from our first kiss. Talking to him all day everyday. Laughing at the way he dances and sings to me. Going over his house to spend our time sleeping all day. It's funny actually. Now I don't wanna get cheesy or anything. Because it's not over yet. Not that I know of at least. But even if it is. I'll always consider him my best friend.
That felt good to write about. I'm laying on my bed on valentines day and my hair is messed up and i have shorts on with a wife beater. It's a beautiful day outside. And this isn't my favorite holiday. But it's good enough to actually be enjoying it. Tomorrow is another day to have infinite feelings. It really is.
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