Please understand that everything I say and do has a meaning.
I'm constantly searching for something to uplift me and leave me paralyzed but I miss it by a second.
I always miss it.


School is coming to an end and I know that once I leave I wont be coming back. I won't miss it and it won't miss me. I'm no one special and school had no significant effect on me. It only taught me that some are more mature than others. Is this the real goal of the education system?

I'm still looking for a job. I need funds for the zine and shows and my car. I'm moving away in a month and boxes will be filled with memories and everyday used things. It's incredible how many things I will find once I tear everything apart. It's the opposite of a puzzle. I find everything when it's all in pieces.

My room has a whole wall that is a book case. This excites me but fails to leave me happy. I will soon move away. Two years is not enough. Portland State waits for me. I have been getting so much recognition towards my writing that many people are telling me that Portland will have a significant effect on my writing and my mind. Who knows? Maybe books will fill my bags when I come back home. Maybe notebooks will be filled completely with ideas for my next pieces. Writing is my home away from home. My home will soon be further out from here but still in his arms.

I don't like talking about him because I know everyone knows who he is. He's this guy who someone can mistake to be quiet and shy and simple. He is the most complicated person I have ever met in my life. It feels as if every time we talk I'm trying to untangle a big ball of wire. But every time I pick it up I laugh and I smile and I learn new things, not only about him but about myself and the world around me. It's so cliche to talk about your own boyfriend in a blog and make all these vague poems about him and tell simple stories of your relationship with no names included. I do this at times because I just like the vagueness in some of my stories. The puzzles that I have to create come to life only in my mind and they leave people with their images of my life. He criticizes me more than anyone I have ever met but he encourages me more than all of my friends put together. Today is our one year and it feels like it was just yesterday that I was playing with turtle and I had him tickling me with a buzzer in his hand. It's all so vivid. My shirt. My first words when I had seen him. The way he didn't dare look at me but only stared at the computer. The way I tried to fight the way he'd tickle me until I was sitting on the bed with him. The way our faces met and that was it. He was confused about the way his feelings came rushing to him the first time we kissed. I remember everything. Almost everything.






I have to do an arrangement of a piano piece that I received in an email today for my Music AP class. This is interesting. I added a new singer and I'm working in my own piano accompaniment. It's all so difficult. Hello to my new arrangement of Ode To Divorce.


I have only about a week or two till I get ready to graduate. It came faster than I thought and I will be off to college with him in about a month. Intro to Philosophy. Make me think and rewind my thoughts to a time of enlightenment.