Do you remember reading about the girl who wanted to keep her place at the club, so she let her girlfriend take the boy she wanted. But even though she fell into submission, the boy and girl still knew that they had noticed each other. I read that story. Did you? It was so truthful. I feel that I need to write a story about my life that I feel is so truthful to the bone that it would ruin my reputation, even if it didn't ruin my reputation, it would ruin who I've wished to become.

We have all of these social network websites that it is so rare not to know the names facebook, myspace, tumblr and twitter. I find them all highly annoying. I've been on all of them except for one; how ironic. I'm slowly losing my confidence as I am on each one. The more the trends keep going, the more we all follow each other on another website.

As I woke up today, I felt that my world was melting. The night before I had experienced a emotional breakdown that could only come from the thought of my future. I woke up and tried to picture myself in a comfortable world. My boyfriend was still asleep and I felt foreign to myself. My body wasn't mine and I knew it was going to take a toll on my emotional state. I wandered around the house wondering what I would be doing today. I couldn't go over my boyfriend's house because my dad was home. He wouldn't allow me visiting him again. It's almost every weekend that I go over. I wonder if he notices. If he does, well then cheers. If he doesn't, I'm shit out of luck. My mom tells me to wait to see him tomorrow. I'm fine with this idea, it would be nice to spend Halloween with him anyway. I come back to the computer and hear that my phone has received a text. "Baby i love you." It's from him. I reply and the next text message reads, "text me bitch." I hate when he calls me a bitch more than I have ever hated anything that he does. I rarely ever hate anything that he does so this is a big deal to me. Every time I hear it, I try to come up with something that will trigger anger in him, but it's very rare that he gets mad too. Actually that's not true, he gets mad at almost everything. Already the day feels like it's falling apart and I feel that I am not myself in any way possible. I bring my breakfast into my room and hope that we don't fight. We do. We fight over him buying another vinyl. When will the fighting end? Who knows. I stop eating my breakfast from the sick feeling i get when I find us fighting. Immediately after, I find out that the family will be taking a trip down to my grandparents house. I start to wonder what I'm going to wear. New boots or skirt or try to find a shirt that is decent enough to wear, but I hope that I wont have to resort to wearing my new shirt. At the same time as I am thinking of these things, I'm also thinking about 50 other million things too. It's ridiculous how much I can think. I wonder if I go to a psychologist and I tell them how much I think and how quick something can trigger and never ending thought process of stories after stories and scenarios after scenarios and a million other things, if she would say I had something psychologically wrong with me. I'm sure we all have something wrong with us. You're selfish, I'm indecisive. As the day goes on my confidence level drops. It dwindles to about 20%. I find my thought process running at a maximum speed when I am the most vulnerable. I don't want to go on facebook. I do not want to check my twitter. I almost feel uncomfortable being around my own family. This isn't depression. I'm not sad. I'm not unhappy. I don't think about all of the bad things that could and should happen to me. I just like to think about the happy and sad all at once. So much of it makes my emotions run high and low and all around to the point where I feel confused and uncomfortable because I'm not sure what to be at the moment. Why am I telling you this? I'll be the only one reading it anyway... I tell you because this is the only sense of help that I'll get and it's the only one that I can prescribe to myself. When I am writing, there is only one thought in my head: GET OUT EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT AT ANY MOMENT THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF WORDS. And that is exactly what I do. I don't know how many typos I naturally have when I am writing. I bet if I let myself keep writing and writing without stopping and backspacing, that my words would almost be unreadable. That's how quick my mind changes. It has no time to think about grammar and silly things called periods, it just wants to be heard. Am I selfish in this way? Possibly. But i'm not looking for someone to judge me or to tell me to stop feeling this way because most of the time, it doesn't work. I don't stop and I don't care what one thinks because either way, I'll get back to this point some day. Am I really done? Nope. But this is where I stop because my fingers hurt and another good song is coming on. I leave you with this until next time. Don't tell me who you are, I'd rather not know.