It's been a while since I've actually wrote to you and it feels almost weird to write something addressed specifically to you when I know that I've had hidden moments of code words in most of my posts. I think that a lot of this has to do with the way we've been going lately and I'm sure that you understand where this is coming from as well, well at least i hope you do. I'm not quite sure where to start so I guess I have to just pick a place where I feel most comfortable.
It's been over two years now that we've held down this thing called a "relationship." How cheesy of us to even be considered one. I look back at everything that I had ever claimed that I had wanted and you fit the picture so perfectly that I couldn't hold back my words when I wanted to show you that I was exactly what you needed. I look at you today and I don't think I could ever have anything more than what I have now. It's a typical girl move. It makes me ashamed because I'm not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to think that I can get someone better than you and you'll only get worst. I don't believe this at all. You put up with everything that comes out of my mouth and I put up with everything that comes out of your butt. (literally). So what are we doing now? How do we define ourselves? How much longer do we call this "us"? Sometimes I get lost in the fog of titles and bullshit that society has mapped out for us. I'm going to be 19 and you're going to be 21. We're practically adults from here on out.
I regret telling you that I had reserved a place for you in my heart and on my list. I had mapped you out like a state and knew that somewhere along the road I was going to get you. I wish you had done the same for me but I know what you're going to say, you're going to say, "I'm with you now, so shut up." I have these really scary dreams that one day you're just going to walk right out of my life like if you never knew me and all of my antics that you love so much. My silly voices. The way I look when I flip you off. The way I can't watch scary/action movies. I know you love them all so much. I don't know if you could ever live without me. You have this side of you that could never be opened until you come with the very special key. I only see it once every few weeks/months. You confess the deepest love for me and that you weren't sure where you'd be without me because you know that no one could deal with you for as long as I have, but then there is that small moment when I agree and you run back to your shell. You are like a turtle. You stick your head out in hopes that no one points and notices and when they do, you run back inside your shell. Your shell, the protector of everything you have ever lived for. You are a turtle.
Sometimes I don't like telling you how I feel. I remember it being so easy to open up to you. I remember being able to spill every single emotion out onto the table, while you examined them and talked to me about them so that we can classify them as silly, serious, or sad. You really knew me inside and out. Now, I can barely look at you without hoping that you can't see what I'm thinking or feeling. You yell at me and tell me to be quiet. You criticize me for thinking selfish things and you tell me to stop being a cry baby. Who knew that my best friend, the person who would appreciate every single thing I told them, couldn't deal with it anymore? He couldn't listen to the way it rolled off my tongue anymore because it annoyed him and disgusted him. He didn't want anything to do with it. I want to tell you I love you and that you mean the whole entire world to me but you laugh in my face and tell me to stop being so in love. I want to tell you that I hope I spend the rest of my life with you but you turn your back and tell me that I'm dumb. So instead of keeping on acting like I care, I get mad at everything in hopes that you'll be the one to open up your heart. I hope that every time I'm mad you'll pull me by the arm and hug me and say that I mean a lot to you. Sometimes I look at myself getting mad and I laugh at myself on the inside because I know how stupid it is. I'm not even lying. I do know when I'm getting mad over stupid things but I keep on keeping on because that's the only way I'll get you to respond without laughing in my face. Sometimes I want to take you out on a beautiful date and be the cheesy person in the relationship and buy you flowers and chocolate and buy you clothes and buy you fancy things and treat you like the king that you are but half the time, I hide it because I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed and that if you ever left, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I'm noticing that a lot of my actions are based on what your thoughts are about me and my actions. You influence me in such a humongous way that I can't help but think about what you're going to say next whenever I pull something stupid, or do something good for the both of us. I know you so well that I can almost repeat the exact words that will come out of your mouth before you even say them.
Who are we going to be in a couple of years? Who will we marry? What will our children look like? Will we still be friends? Will we ever move in together? So many questions that I don't even bother thinking about because I have a feeling that you don't care.
I love you so much and I don't think you understand the full potential of my love. I'm the kind of person that is willing to go completely out of her way to make sure their significant other is happy. I'm the kind of person that will stoop down on her knees and beg for forgiveness but you will never ever see that side of me because it is weak and I never want to be weak around you. You have too much power over me. But, the type that I'm not is the one to hold on. If things are gone then things are gone. I will cry and I will be hurt but who wouldn't? I won't stop eating and I won't stop sleeping because I've done those things without you by my side or on my mind. All of this stuff is too much for you to handle. All of this stuff will never be said to you in person because I can't do it, and if I did you'd laugh and you'd go onto the computer and tell me about some babe girl on tumblr and how I should look like her. I guess that's my opinion on things and I hope that you see them a bit different.
I will get teary eyed after I'm done writing this and I reread it because it is so personal and so real to me. This is who we both are and I would never change it for the world.
It's been over two years now that we've held down this thing called a "relationship." How cheesy of us to even be considered one. I look back at everything that I had ever claimed that I had wanted and you fit the picture so perfectly that I couldn't hold back my words when I wanted to show you that I was exactly what you needed. I look at you today and I don't think I could ever have anything more than what I have now. It's a typical girl move. It makes me ashamed because I'm not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to think that I can get someone better than you and you'll only get worst. I don't believe this at all. You put up with everything that comes out of my mouth and I put up with everything that comes out of your butt. (literally). So what are we doing now? How do we define ourselves? How much longer do we call this "us"? Sometimes I get lost in the fog of titles and bullshit that society has mapped out for us. I'm going to be 19 and you're going to be 21. We're practically adults from here on out.
I regret telling you that I had reserved a place for you in my heart and on my list. I had mapped you out like a state and knew that somewhere along the road I was going to get you. I wish you had done the same for me but I know what you're going to say, you're going to say, "I'm with you now, so shut up." I have these really scary dreams that one day you're just going to walk right out of my life like if you never knew me and all of my antics that you love so much. My silly voices. The way I look when I flip you off. The way I can't watch scary/action movies. I know you love them all so much. I don't know if you could ever live without me. You have this side of you that could never be opened until you come with the very special key. I only see it once every few weeks/months. You confess the deepest love for me and that you weren't sure where you'd be without me because you know that no one could deal with you for as long as I have, but then there is that small moment when I agree and you run back to your shell. You are like a turtle. You stick your head out in hopes that no one points and notices and when they do, you run back inside your shell. Your shell, the protector of everything you have ever lived for. You are a turtle.
Sometimes I don't like telling you how I feel. I remember it being so easy to open up to you. I remember being able to spill every single emotion out onto the table, while you examined them and talked to me about them so that we can classify them as silly, serious, or sad. You really knew me inside and out. Now, I can barely look at you without hoping that you can't see what I'm thinking or feeling. You yell at me and tell me to be quiet. You criticize me for thinking selfish things and you tell me to stop being a cry baby. Who knew that my best friend, the person who would appreciate every single thing I told them, couldn't deal with it anymore? He couldn't listen to the way it rolled off my tongue anymore because it annoyed him and disgusted him. He didn't want anything to do with it. I want to tell you I love you and that you mean the whole entire world to me but you laugh in my face and tell me to stop being so in love. I want to tell you that I hope I spend the rest of my life with you but you turn your back and tell me that I'm dumb. So instead of keeping on acting like I care, I get mad at everything in hopes that you'll be the one to open up your heart. I hope that every time I'm mad you'll pull me by the arm and hug me and say that I mean a lot to you. Sometimes I look at myself getting mad and I laugh at myself on the inside because I know how stupid it is. I'm not even lying. I do know when I'm getting mad over stupid things but I keep on keeping on because that's the only way I'll get you to respond without laughing in my face. Sometimes I want to take you out on a beautiful date and be the cheesy person in the relationship and buy you flowers and chocolate and buy you clothes and buy you fancy things and treat you like the king that you are but half the time, I hide it because I don't want you to think that I'm obsessed and that if you ever left, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
I'm noticing that a lot of my actions are based on what your thoughts are about me and my actions. You influence me in such a humongous way that I can't help but think about what you're going to say next whenever I pull something stupid, or do something good for the both of us. I know you so well that I can almost repeat the exact words that will come out of your mouth before you even say them.
Who are we going to be in a couple of years? Who will we marry? What will our children look like? Will we still be friends? Will we ever move in together? So many questions that I don't even bother thinking about because I have a feeling that you don't care.
I love you so much and I don't think you understand the full potential of my love. I'm the kind of person that is willing to go completely out of her way to make sure their significant other is happy. I'm the kind of person that will stoop down on her knees and beg for forgiveness but you will never ever see that side of me because it is weak and I never want to be weak around you. You have too much power over me. But, the type that I'm not is the one to hold on. If things are gone then things are gone. I will cry and I will be hurt but who wouldn't? I won't stop eating and I won't stop sleeping because I've done those things without you by my side or on my mind. All of this stuff is too much for you to handle. All of this stuff will never be said to you in person because I can't do it, and if I did you'd laugh and you'd go onto the computer and tell me about some babe girl on tumblr and how I should look like her. I guess that's my opinion on things and I hope that you see them a bit different.
I will get teary eyed after I'm done writing this and I reread it because it is so personal and so real to me. This is who we both are and I would never change it for the world.
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