the right mood

I was taking a drive towards rio hondo today and I realized I was in that sort of blogging mood. What is a blogging mood, you say? Well, I'd be honered to tell you. It's the type of mood where you have nothing to say but absolutely everything to say. Your heart desires the need to feel the keys press down under your fingers and to hear the clickity clack that it makes when you press them. The desire to tell about everything around you and the nothing around you. Its the mood you have when your taking a drive and a really cheesy song comes on that always puts a smile on your face, makes you wanna scream the words. Its the mood you have when you realize summer is just right around the corner and your running as fast as you can just to get there so that all the weight of the world will be lifted off your shoulders. Its the mood that just makes you want to sit and listen and say, "wow...I've never heard that before."

It's the mood that makes everything go away as soon as you say the words that are dieing to find a voice somewhere, in some place.


So here I am, taking a drive, letting the wind flow through my fingers, when I realize that I'm almost ready to join the people of the real world. It seems like a whole other species that's creeping the streets. I don't feel the need to join them just yet, I wanna be afraid of the dark forever. I wanna sit under a tree and be able to breathe in the air without thinking about how horrible the world is just over the little picket fence. I want to be able to talk about things that no one understands, things that have no purpose, but just need to be said. But, my time will come. And maybe I'll still be afraid of the dark till the day I pass. Im crossing my fingers hoping for this. It'll be my only connection to the world of innocence.

I get a call today from my woman.(marlene) Oh how I miss the days where I'd cry on her shoulder and she'd tell me I was amazing and that the idiots i dated weren't even worth a glance. She understood exactly who I was. Weird or not. Ugly hair or not. Ugly face or not. She was there and I couldn't have appreciated it more. Now, she's off with the other species living life, not knowing what day it is. (i'm totally not joking, she really doesn't remember what day it is sometimes.) But, I'll always remember the freedom she had, having a structure built right before her in an institution that everyone resents when they're there. oh I miss her.

this summer calls for work. work work work work work. allyson your too busy for me. ally take a break already. allyson where have you been. ally what have you been up to i havent heard from you in months. well hello life. a sixteen year old with the schedule of a 30 year old with a job in management. maybe even more hectic, who knows. who really cares? while the kids are out having fun, attending bonfires, partying, going out to eat, I'm sitting here reading for an online english forum. If i don't do this correctly I'll risk my chances in not being accepted to a good school.
ugh i hate responsibilites. I should be having fun getting right for nights out on the town, talking to the addition to my life (hes the best ive ever had), and kicking my shoes off, running barefoot in the sand. But no time for that. allyson you got work to do!!!!

so im sitting here typing wondering why I'm not watching a good documentary, starting on Language Fiend, listening to Lester Young, or even just reading a good book. Which reminds me I got a new one by Chuck Palahniuk today. Im so excited that Im saving it for a time when all is quiet in the house and I have a little world all to myself. I hear he's quite the writer. mmmm...oh back to my thoughts! and I think to myself its because you took the time out of your day to tell maybe about three people what your thinking. (thats how many people i think actually read my ridiculous words) and i appreciate it so much. Even if none of these people read it, even if noone read it, Id be happy to know that there is someplace some where where I belong. where my words belong, if I may.

the night grows on me and Im starting to love it more and more. I wonder how much owls love the night. Do they wish they could wake up during the day? hmmm. I'll ask and get back to you on that.

my words are flowing out a little too randomly but maybe its good that people know whats flowing through my head. strange thoughts yes, but good thoughts ofcourse.

this week is going to spent crossing my fingers hoping I see him. Friday or next monday. He's probably loving this right now because he always likes to see me write about him. But I love writing about him so its no burden on me at all. So many things have changed. My heart and my head. I wouldnt be caught dead telling him this in person because I'm so closed up. I blame it on the years of ignorance when it came to beaus and just dating in general. I was the girl who finished last, and from what i remember, he was the boy who finished last. maybe things will go right this time, if not always but for a while. i guess I just got lucky...


things just seem to be going right. i didnt need to follow the rainbow or talk to mister sandman or pray for it. It just came to me and I couldnt be happier. So ill leave these final words with a smile on my face, a warmth in my heart, and a happy tone in my voice.

lets not leave with a sigh but with an expectation for more free thoughts and unstructured words.