theories and things like that

Theories start to form in my head about why I think the way I do. I have a loss of some type of chemical...I know it...I'm wrong. It's just me being who I am and I have no problem with it.

Things have been drained out by unhappiness lately but I have no way to control them. Part of this makes me feel in control. Loss of control gains control. A mixed up type of world that only I belong in. If you understand, you can share it with me. But if you don't, I can't make up any excuses and I have to leave you behind. Leaving you behind isn't a problem, missing you is the only problem.

My legs and knees are starting to hurt from the cold. I've forgotten what sweat is. I don't know what sun shine means to me anymore and some how, I miss it. Instead of it being so cold at home, I wish it was wet. I wish all of the rain would fill up my lungs and leave me breathless. It still does and I don't need to feel the overwhelming feeling of drowning. Are you jealous? Do you want what I have? I don't have much but I promise I'll share. I might be greedy at first but I know that once we find each other in the mist of forgotten memories, we'll be perfectly fine. We'll be the best of friends.

I don't understand how you haven't noticed how much I've missed this. This whole thing is part of the days where I was better off with and without you. It was more towards the "with." I feel like I'm trying to reconnect with my past. Not so much as to hold on, but to connect. I feel disconnected. I feel like my chord has been unplugged and I'm plugging myself into all these electrical fixes so that I can be someone. If not me, then someone. This is leading my way back to my socket. I am now here and I have plugged myself in. The current is flowing through my body and the flowers are growing inside of my brain and stomach. I have seen the worst today but I think it's awaken me to reality and to stop wasting my fears in my nightmares. If that even makes sense... I'm listening to music from the past and I can feel the rhythm. I feel everything. I can feel his voice penetrating my body and her soft fingers pressing the keys on the keyboard and making all of us feel like we're all related somehow, some way.