I've missed you so incredibly much. Where have you been? I don't think i can express to you how much I've missed you and how much I want to tell you. I don't know if I could ever write a poem or a story again but I know that I can count on you to be my confidant and keep it a secret, like you're supposed to. I only let you glisten in front of a few special eyes. You're my baby. You're my life. You are me. I love you.

Lately, shit has been kind of fucked up. Shit has been fucked up beyond belief. I deserve more than what I have right now, but who doesn't? I don't have the same problems that I once did, but they make me feel the same way. They make me feel like I'm lost in the woods without any wooden signs to follow and every time I take a new path, it is accompanied with thorns and huge shadows of the monsters that lurk beyond the trees.

School is terrible. I don't like what I'm doing there. I'm wasting my time trying to be someone that I'm not. I want to write already. If only I could just show them you, I'd get a career in writing as soon as possible. You're my gem. My diamond. Diamonds are a girls best friends. Diamonds can stand for anything. you are my diamond. I'm sitting there in class two days out of the week, not even thinking about you. I'm thinking about how shitty it is that I have to sit there and learn something that I'll never use in my life. Once a man told me that I must brush up my skills on many subjects because they will help me in my writing career. I want that statement to not be true, but I know it is. I know it's true because if I am going to be a writer, I need to know what I'm writing about. I need to sound beautiful and elegant. I want to paint a picture in the readers' minds that I am just like them. Math is terrible. Statistics is terrible. That class is terrible. It gives me anxiety. I have butterflies every time I walk up the stairs to the 3rd floor. I want to throw up and run away as fast as i possibly can. That isn't supposed to happen. I'm smart. Where did I go? Do you know?

My relationship is in a rocky state. Around this time it always is. I don't understand why? What is it about this weather and these months that make this time harder than it should be. Time is time. It should not affect what I do and who I love. But, it does. It really does. He gets angry whenever I bring up the bad time. I'm going to name it that, "the bad time." I think about it alot. I think about it because I know that this is where I was 5 years ago. This is where I was when I was on the computer looking at things I shouldnt have looked at and there it was. There he was...not loving me like I loved him. This time is the same. This is the beginning of what once was. I can't stop thinking about it. He reassures me that it hasn't happened. Believe me, I believe him. But, the fact that it happened still confuses me. What was going on with me? Was I not loving him the correct way? Was I boring? Did I turn dumb during that period? Did I gain weight and gain pimples all over my face? Was I away in arizona too long? What? What is it? he doesn't like answering that question. He doesn't want to answer any questions about it. I've made him feel bad enough about it. But I don't think I'll ever get closure, so I'll always wonder. What does she have that I don't? In order to flirt with someone, while you're dating someone, you have to know that that someone has something that your significant other doesn't have. There has to be something missing. How can you look into the eyes of the person that loves you and turn around and tell someone things that the person you love would expect to hear? How does your brain let you do that? How does your heart? I don't get it. Like I said, these questions will never be answered. I think it's different this time than it was last time, for both of us. He's had this happen before. I don't think he was caught before, but it bothered the other girls that he talked to girls at all and even if they became angry, he never stopped. I know this because I was there. I was his best friend. I saw it all in front of me. I was there. Now I'm in their shoes. Now I'm playing their game. What is my next move? Do I pick up the die and roll or do I leave the game and ask for a rain check? Do I believe him even though I was the product of the mess that once was? None of these questions will ever be answered. I love him too much to give him up. I love him too much not to believe him. He could be lying and saying he was going out with his friends when in reality, he was hanging out with many girls. I'd still stick around. That's how sickening it is. I'm sick. I don't have a fever. No need to take my temperature. I can't connect the possibilities because my heart has always belonged to one person and one person only. If I am dating someone, no one else exists and no one else should get in the way. That's my motto. But, people think and act differently. Him and his friend talk secretly because her boyfriend doesn't like him. Honey, I know the feeling. I don't like you. But he continues to be her friend because that's how he is. He doesn't understand the meaning of "no." He doesn't know how to stop talking. He doesn't know how to stop being overly friendly. That's him for you. You know him a little too well now.

I'll keep pondering all of this and it won't ever help the situation. He gets mad when i ask. He gets mad when I bring it up because I need to be over it already. yes, sir. Your orders are clear, sir. That's how I feel.

My life is a big wreck right now. I feel bad for making people think about the bad shit they've done. I feel bad for being stupid. I feel bad for not wanting to sit in a 2 hour math class. I feel bad because I feel like my mind won't ever change. It doesn't develop and if it does, it develops with certain things in mind.

So, if I offend you, I'm terribly sorry. I respect you more than you know. I love you. You are my diamond. Wish me luck.